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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People bringing food to a party???

217 replies

WanderingStar1 · 26/05/2017 23:15

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 26/05/2017 23:30

Blooming heck, OP, chill out a bit. Paper plates, cutlery, paper cups, accept all offers of food.

Only1scoop · 26/05/2017 23:30

Bloody hell
Some graciousness and gratitude wouldn't go amiss
Plus some paragraphs

BaronessEllaSaturday · 26/05/2017 23:32

in my circle of friends it would be normal to take a dish of something to the type of event that it sounds like. no it wouldn't be expected to discuss it with the organizer.

Theresnonamesleft · 26/05/2017 23:32

Not enough cutlery. Grin plastic is
Your mate. They probably think your batshit about the food, knowing plastic exists for exactly these reasons. Only a martyr would think about using normal cutlery and plates that need washing up.
And shock bloody horror the birthday person wants something more than a hog roast, bit of salad and some limp cucumber sandwiches for the veggies (wtf is that about. There's more appetising things than cucumber sandwiches for veggies.

practicallyperfectinmyway · 26/05/2017 23:32

Have you worked out the logistics of approx 80 old-ish people (is this right?) queuing up for a roast pork roll? My mum who's 80 would rather have a small plate of food brought to her, and sit and eat at a table. She's not dexterous enough to balance a plate of food ok her lap, not spill her wine/drink and chat to the person next to her.

I don't mean to slight your hog roast efforts but your target audience will not be into a big filled pork roll in a napkin.

Please rethink.

ChasedByBees · 26/05/2017 23:35

In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday.
....
. - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first,

It's not your party. It's hers. Of course she should be able to bring / make food. You've taken over to such an extent that the person who's birthday it is is scared of you? You need to rethink how you're acting here.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 23:38

Op have you not really hosted parties before and that's the issue? You're clearly out of your depth. Accepting all help is a good thing when that happens.

Original poster
WanderingStar1 · 26/05/2017 23:40

OK so I have overreacted!! Thanks for the reality check. And no I have never shouted as MIL, she's a lovely lady and we get on well, but she is permanently worried about upsetting people so very non-confrontational. And I am a bit stressed about it all because we really really want it to be dry weather, so maybe that's making me on edge! Thanks all for putting me back in my place (and I did apologise to SIL on the phone for my stroppy text, and we agreed to liaise over arrangements next week, so hopefully all is forgiven...)

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 26/05/2017 23:41

Well THAT'S going to be a fun party Hmm . Jesus.

OP, they are being polite and helpful, you are being weird and a control freak!

In future, please don't offer to host!

Grinch84 · 26/05/2017 23:44

What an utter delight you sound!!!

You are being VERY unreasonable.

Show some bloody respect.

LagunaBubbles · 26/05/2017 23:46

Plastic cutlery is not a new invention.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 23:49

Wow. If they hadn't bothered then you probably would have thrown your toys out of your pram too

If you can't do something with good grace, then don't do it at all

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2017 23:56

If you've apologised, all good.

Just make sure you have enough appropriate seats - not too low, arms so they can lever themselves up, stable - for large numbers of older folk.

Otherwise, try not to stress too much. If you can relax about it all will be well.

Kind of you to host!

Liiinoo · 26/05/2017 23:57

It sounds like you have taken a chill pill. DSIL sends very understanding. I hope it all pans out and you have a lovely time.

For the record, we have hosted several dos in the past when I have said 'No need to bring anything, it's all under control' and still people turn up,with their signature dish/sandwich/salad etc even if they know I have hired caterers. I put the food offerings out on display and see what gets eaten. If there is a lot left over at the end of the night I scrape most of it into the compost, show the donor the almost empty plate and comment on how tasty it must have been.

The exception to this is a local acquaintance who makes the best sandwiches I have ever eaten. Her donations are always welcome even if I am cooking a roast dinner and anything left over from her platter is stashed away in Tupperware to sustain me throught the next days tidying up.

Original poster
WanderingStar1 · 26/05/2017 23:59

Just read some of the other comments - maybe we do need to rethink the food? It's a total range of ages with some older people and then all generations down to toddlers. The problems is tables - we have already got plastic plates (nice solid ones) and have lots of chairs, but thought it would be hard for people to eat 'knife and fork' food without a table to put their plate on. We've hired glasses, and cups and saucers and a tea urn, but didn't think people would want to eat off their laps? Hopefully the older people will be able to sit at a table but that won't be an option for everyone hence the 'finger food' plan? It's not just pork rolls - it's sandwiches, quiche, sausage rolls, and loads of other stuff - but it isn't a gravy dinner and never could be. (and please don't now tell me we should have hired the village hall as it's too late.......in many ways I wish we had... ). Any other ideas?

OP posts:
AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 26/05/2017 23:59

Crikey, OP. Glad to hear that you have backed down. It rather sounds like you may have form.

lostpigeon · 27/05/2017 00:01

jesus wept

ChasedByBees · 27/05/2017 00:07

Well what would your MIL like to eat? She's the best person to know if any limitations and ways round them.

Flatpackback · 27/05/2017 00:10

Stop right there. You are losing your grip. Find it and hang on tight.

Seeingadistance · 27/05/2017 00:14

Do you have room for tables?

If you do, then you could always ask your local church (are you or a friend/family member a church-goer?) or village hall if you could borrow a few folding tables.

2014newme · 27/05/2017 00:14

You have chairs for 80 old people?

Original poster
WanderingStar1 · 27/05/2017 00:19

Angelica yes maybe I have a bit of form for being slightly snappy with MIL Blush as she forgets things then refuses to admit it etc, (and says things like - "I can't believe you let your babies go without socks but then I loved MY children....) but I can honestly say I have never 'shouted' at her. We normally get on well, it was her daughter I was cross with, but yes - I'm in the wrong - and we'll chat again tomorrow and I will be suitably apologetic! But I did honestly think it was rude to plan to take food to a party uninvited - but now I have found out it's OK, so have learned something new!

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 27/05/2017 00:21

Perhaps you have been sending out your stressed vibes about doing all this AND the food so they actually thought they were being helpful. Personally if the majority of the folks are older than 75 I'd knock the (expensive) hog roast on the head and just have sandwiches, sausage rolls, quiches and the salads that MIL would rather have and that perhaps she knows her peers would like.

(cheapest hog roasts round here are usually £500 a pop)

NoSquirrels · 27/05/2017 00:21

It's fine! You need enough chairs & places ata table for the older crowd. Get them seated & sorted, enlist help to do so. Everyone else mills around and will cope. It'll be fine. You have a tea urn- what more do you need? GrinBrew

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/05/2017 00:22

People manage just fine with eating knife and fork food on their laps, I saw a very elderly lady in the early stages of dementia coping very well with that only last year. The trick is to have plates that don't collapse at the slightest pressure. If you have that you are good to go.

Yes, it would have been a good idea if they had checked first, but you have 80 people at the party and I think you are going to be glad to have the extra food.