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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People bringing food to a party???

217 replies

WanderingStar1 · 26/05/2017 23:15

AIBU? In a foolish moment agreed to host Mil's 90th here next Saturday. We have a big garden and an area where people can park, but if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house! Anyway - that's maybe stressing me out a bit (although marquees and gazebos on standby) but my issue is the food. We haven't the tables or cutlery to do a sit down meal so opted for a DIY hog roast sort of thing (rolls and pulled pork, plus apple sauce and stuffing) plus other finger food such as carrot sticks, cherry toms, sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps etc. I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings') so that was great. Bit of a wobble on wed when MIL said my DH had agreed to provide forks so people could have coleslaw, potato salad etc!! I said no way as we have no tables so they can't have anything but finger food, which she seemed OK with (and she knew that anyway!). Then tonight DH came home and mentioned that his DM and Dsis were also making sausage rolls, quiches and salads. I've been slaving away over this sodding party for weeks and got really cross - along the lines of - a) it's fucking rude to turn up at someone else's party with food, without agreeing it with the host first, and b) I'd be delighted to have someone else do stuff but would not be happy to spend all saturday making sandwiches/sausage rolls only to find I didn't need to!! So texted SIL at 10.30 tonight to say she needed to sort everyone out as I found it pretty offensive that people were planning all this without speaking to me! Yes I was stressed and yes I was probably a bit OTT! Anyway she rang back all nice and reasonable and I was a bit cross and shouty ("would you like to do a sunday roast and have someone turn up with a tray of roasties in case you hadn't done enough...???"), then she said MIL didn't like to speak to me about it as she was scared I would shout at her!! So feel a bit crap that I'm so horrible but actually both of them need to grow some, and I do get a bit snappy occasionally! Grrr!! But AIBU to feel peed off that people think they can just turn up at a party and bring food? I think the problem is that MIL is a bit forgetful and has told everyone we aren't doing anything except the pork rolls (despite being switched on enough to make sure I would make cucumber sandwiches for the vegetarians) so has maybe organised a secret backlash against our meagre fare - but surely her daughter and friends should have talked to me? Fuming - but also thinking you'll all say she's 90 and I should be kind and tolerant.......

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 06:23

Sorry, should have RTFT. You have had a rethink, so that's good. Standing in line for pulled pork may not be the best idea for 90 year olds, after all.

Babyonboard101 · 27/05/2017 06:24

Your husband is also the host so they did arrange it with the host. And hes her son so would make sense to talk to him. And I think it's lovely to bring food to a party, shows people care

Westray · 27/05/2017 06:37

Sounds a horrible party for elderly people.

Hog roast for 80? Finger foods?

Is that really what your MIL would like?

A traditional sit down afternoon tea or Sunday lunch for 12 people would be more appropriate.

GinIsIn · 27/05/2017 06:49

I think if you can possibly borrow tables you should - it's not like octogenarians are going to want to do lots and lots of milling around so a comfortable permanent base for them for the party would be better.

FWIW I would find it extremely rude to turn up to a party or dinner party empty handed so horses for courses.

Lastly, you seem to be taking this very personally as an affront. It's not about you - it's MIL's party. Having offered to host it you need to suck it up and do it how she wants it, not how you do.

HotelEuphoria · 27/05/2017 06:51

If you can't find plastic forks or a big table to host all these oldies where are they going to sit. My DD is 85 his knees are knackered he can't stand for longer than a few minutes.

misses point of thread

putdownyourphone · 27/05/2017 06:56

Since when is it rude to turn up to parties with food? The more food the better I say.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2017 06:57

Do you know if they all have their teeth? People with false teeth will struggle with hog roast especially in rolls and even more so if the bread is crusty. It's always best to serve more easy to eat melt in the mouth food. You're hiring glasses as in glass. How Is anyone supposed to put their glasses and plates down? Possibly half of them won't be able to bend down to put them under their chairs and maybe another quarter or more will have shaky hands and unable to do it. Elderly and/or disabled people need tables. I would be hiring plastic glasses and tables and chairs.

HateSummer · 27/05/2017 06:58

You sound like my sil. And no one likes her.

Sconesnotscones · 27/05/2017 07:07

I will make her a bday cake but she and various friends said they'd also make cakes and brownies etc (as old people like 'puddings')

Try just a little harder: I am sure you can be even more patronising.

daisychain01 · 27/05/2017 07:12

if it rains we're stuffed for getting 80+ old dears into the house!

Ghastly ageist mentality.

Dailystuck71 · 27/05/2017 07:13

OP, you've not come across well in your thread but I think you get that.

I think you need to get together with SIL and get a plan together. Establish exactly what food to do. Will guests really manage hot roast rolls? Sandwiches and cake might just be easier all round. Both on guests and you as organisers.

Dailystuck71 · 27/05/2017 07:15

And are you sure your place is the best option? Village hall might be better? Usually they have tables and chairs plus you can still cater.

Temporary2002 · 27/05/2017 07:37

You can rent chairs, or borrow chairs, but people of all ages do need to be able to sit down. One of our neighbours borrowed the patio tables and chairs from several neighbours when she was having a family reunion.

Good luck, I am sure it will be fine. As for ideas....will you have pictures of her life around, music and decorations? A special chair for the birthday girl with a table beside it for her gifts?

glueandstick · 27/05/2017 07:43

Borrow the tables from the village hall. Ours hire them for £1 each.

glueandstick · 27/05/2017 07:45

And get yourself to ikea and buy cutlery. It's cheap and donate to somewhere afterwards. And slightly sturdier plastic picnic plates. It seems the whole lot do the rounds in the village and are at every party.

Temporary2002 · 27/05/2017 07:47

We had everybody write a memory of my step grandmother for her 90th, we included a card and addressed (to her daughter, the hostess of the event) envelopes in the invitations, then they were put on display in a scrapbook on a table. You could leave a guest book and a pen on a table with instructions inviting the guests to wite a memory of her in it.

Underthemoonlight · 27/05/2017 07:54

Glad to hear you apologised to your sil that's appaulling behaviour she is trying to contribute to her mothers party and you who have married in is texting her abruptly and shouting at her on the phone. You have no right to speak to her like that regardless if your stressed. Had you been my
Sil I would have put you in your place. My own sil (my db wife) talks down to people and always shouting and berating my
Db, when we went on holiday she thought it was ok to speak to my other brother in the same way she got a shock at his response and thankfully I wasn't there to witness it otherwise I would have said something. My point of my story is there should be an element of respect and talking to someone in a reasonable manner the fact your mil was too frightened to say anything speaks volumes, I think you need to address how you handle things.

witsender · 27/05/2017 07:55

Tbh, you need something 'wet' like coleslaw with pulled pork. It only needs forks as well.

wowfudge · 27/05/2017 08:13

That's a very telling comment to the OP that she has only 'married in' Underthemoonlight. Presumably SIL didn't offer to host.

Legma37 · 27/05/2017 08:14

Pony, I agree, it is extremely rude to turn up to a party empty handed, but surely a nice bottle of wine or some chocolates is more appropriate than a plate of food that has not been discussed by the host first. Most people on invite say 'can I bring anything' and at this point the host can advise on a suitable dish or can just simply say to bring themselves.

Quartz2208 · 27/05/2017 08:15

When my dh family did his grandmas 90th all the children/grandchildren brought something for the food two dishes each and chairs/tables etc. An aunt physically hosted it but all the family threw the party

The other point is they did liaise with one of the hosts your dh, if you were going to be angry at anyone (and I am not sure you needed to) it would be him. Clearly cutting him out the conversation is the best way forward

diddl · 27/05/2017 08:24

For that amount of people I'd be wanting as much help & edible contributions as possible.

In fact if I was offereing the venue, that would be me done!

I have never mastered eating from a paper plate with a knife & fork as the plate just bends!

Ok with just a fork though.

IcingSausage · 27/05/2017 08:24

Oh my goodness OP, you're getting a ridiculously hard time. For what it's worth I don't think you sound 'awful' and nor does your party sound 'horrible'. Good grief. You're doing a lovely thing hosting your MIL's 90th birthday party, hosting and catering for 80 people.

You've made it clear you have a range of ages coming so a hog roast sounds delicious to me. Plus you've got loads of other stuff so no worries about dentures etc. And you've said MIL has been involved in the planning so clearly this is what she wants.

You obviously got a little stressed (understandably) and you've apologised to SIL, I'm not sure what else people want from you!!

I really hope your party goes well, I'm sure it will be excellent and MIL will love it, it sounds fantastic to me.

Vonklump · 27/05/2017 08:26

OP, I think you just sound stressed, not mean. In the real world people get stressed and snap at people. Then say I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, I was stressed/exhausted.....

It doesn't make you horrid.

Agree plastic forks, tables if you can get them, with a spare one for any food people have brought.

Young people to serve is another great idea.

A bottle of wine chilling in the fridge for when everyone has gone and you can sit down and relax? Or is it just me that does that.

Hope the day goes well.

FrenchMartiniTime · 27/05/2017 08:30

Eh? You can buy 100 paper plates and plastic forks from ASDA for a fiver.

It's not rude to bring food to a party, I actually think it's the norm and quite polite. Plus it's a quiche and tattie salad, pretty simple stuff.

You shouldn't have taken this party on if you were going to be so anal and stressed. You were bang out of order to shout at your SIL and your MIL now probably thinks you're a loon.

As a PP said, you sound like hard work.