What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

I am on time. I don't mind 10-15 mins late provided the person running late communicates it with me at the point they realise they are going to be late and not when I am already sat twiddling my thumbs.

What pisses me off is the use of the word binary - it seems to be word of the month.

I agree with the OP!

It's kind of normal to be 5-10 mins late within my friends and I think it's good not to get too stressed out about it

Why so much anger here?

I notice with friends that its always the same person who is late. So its funny that fate always conspires against them but never against the others. I hate when that late person breezes in all excuses as if their life is so important that boring me would never have all that excitement so could be on time..lm not hung up on a few minutes but why dont you change it around every now and then and actually be early so dfs are not always the ones waiting.

When I moved back to my home town I found I didn't know anyone.

I reconnected with an old work colleague who was a bit of a 'princess' but very charming.

She was always always inexcusably late - sometimes hours.

Always played the laid-back/relaxed/children card too so if I raised it it looked like I was being uptight/unsupportive- it's an incredibly manipulative strategy.

Nevermind that I had things that I could have been doing, but I respected her time enough to prioritise.

After a while I used to say, text me when you're there and I'l meet you - she hated that.

Live in a smallish town where it takes 20 mins to get anywhere

When I got there she was always visibly tense at having to wait.

One day she decided that she had arranged to meet me somewhere at 11am.

I had never agreed to this.

She texted me at 1055 telling me she was running late - I told her I wasn't ready as I hadn't agreed to that time and would meet her there when I was ready.

I decided to treat her in exactly the same way she treated me and got ready in my own time and met her there.

I felt awful and guilty every single second for doing it but I knew the friendship was on the slide so it was more of an experiment.

She texted me at 11.15 (so already 15 minutes late to her own arrangement) - pissed off.

I got there at 11.45 and gave her exactly the same excuses/non apologies that she had fed me for 18 months.

She was furious- I made my excuses and left - she ended up following me down the street making loud and angry comments.

She tried to maintain the friendship but I faded her out - there were other factors but this issue really symbolised everything that was unhealthy in that dynamic.

I spoke to a mutual friend about it - he said it happened to pretty much all of her female friends.

Consistent lateness is now a red flag - to me it says I am more important than you and we should both treat me as such - and that's not what I want or need from any relationship.

Being habitually late is rude. I'm an 'on time' person and, of course, I've been late to things but only when it is beyond my control e.g a 10 min journey takes 25 mins due to various traffic issues/train cancelled etc.

When people start to expect you to be 10+ mins late - you have a problem. It may not be voiced - your friends may look relaxed about it - but after months/years of it your lack of respect for their time will be noted. If they are anything like me they will lose some respect for you too. It is hard to respect someone when they don't respect you - and ultimately friendships will start to slide.

At least you let the person know as soon as you can...

I'm big on punctuality. Don't know why, but if someone is more than five minutes late I'm constantly checking my phone to see if they're stuck in traffic or just cancelling.
Icontain, I wish I had the courage to do that!

5 to 10 min is fine for me - so long as sometimes you are early too - "a few minutes between friends" would imply a bit of give and take - not a whole bucket of take.

Occasionally late, while sending a text to say I'm going to be 10 mins late sorry, and apologising/explaining when you get there "sorry dc spilled x down their top just as we were walking out the door" is ok

Regularly late and thinking your friends who were there early/on time should should "get a life" or get over it is either incredibly self centred.

Occasionally late, while sending a text to say I'm going to be 10 mins late sorry, and apologising/explaining when you get there "sorry dc spilled x down their top just as we were walking out the door" is ok

Regularly late and thinking your friends who were there early/on time should should "get a life" or get over it is either incredibly self centred

Precisely.

OP and her ilk are rude, selfish, self absorbed individuals that I don't have time for.

yawning801 Thanks - it was horrible whilst it was happening but I'm glad it did because it gave me a solid reason to fade the relationship out.

I actually never saw her again.

There were other red flags but this confirmed that she didn't view me as a friend - more of a fan/lady-in-waiting.

Nah....

5-10 minutes late is fine OP.

It's always wrong to be late without good reason. What you are saying is 'my time is more important than yours' and it's very very disrespectful.

Icon you are exactly right.
Its all about how important they are.
They are superior because they don't stress about rushing around being on time like the plebs.
God forbid you keep them waiting though.
I have found that is a pretty consistent trait with chronic latecomers. They are really not laid back about being kept waiting.

I had a friend who would be outrageously late. Like a fool I would hang around for her. One day I just stopped. I would leave soon after the meeting time and get on with whatever activity we had planned.
She was furious. Couldn't understand it. What the hell did we think we were doing, she got there and no one was waiting for her, so she was an hour late (we are not talking about waiting at a coffee shop or soft play, more waiting on a street corner).

It was bloody great. I would never put up with it again. Once or twice and with decent excuses is different from deliberate lateness.
I have a kid with SN and so do most of my friends so we all take that stuff into account. I wouldn't dump someone who had proper reasons.

I agree with posters that it's not laid back.

It's at best rude and at worst manipulative.

I would always aim to be on time (actually 5 minutes before) and then if there's a travel hiccup there's still a good chance that you've not left someone hanging about. I would be ringing with apologies if something happened open route that meant I would be 10 mintures kate.

I get it that OP doesn't share that attitude to other people. And that's her choice, and presumable works in her life. But things like planes, trains, doctor's appointments and times to pick up/drop off at schools don't accommodate lateness well. So is a 'oh I'm so laid back that 10 minutes late doesn't matter' person actually messing up their life by dealing with the fallout of lateness there? Or missing their holiday because they were late for a plane?

Aren't friends you like just as important as those things? Well, for that person, the answer is no. I would never rely on such a person, and they would only ever be an acquaintance, not a friend.

This has reminded me.

I used to work for a Therapeutic Service. It was pretty intense working with all those analytical therapists.
One of my colleagues was discussing her recent therapy session (it is mandatory for some therapists).
She had turned up late to her appointment and her therapist asked 'So Claire, at what point did you decide you were going to be late?'

That has stuck with me because it is so often true. We do decide that we are going to be late (not always but often). Another five mins in bed, quick noodle on FB, change outfit, another cup of tea, stop for a chat etc.

I personally think it's a terrible attitude. You CAN be on time when YOU think it matters. Your friends clearly just don't. You can backtrack and sidestep all you like, but by your own admission, you can be and are on time when it "matters" - ie, when you're being paid to be on time. Everyone else can just go jump.

And while we're at it,
It is absolutely disgusting to blame your kids for you being consistently late. Hundreds upon thousands of parents the world over are having kids and managing to figure it out, budgeting their time so that they are still on time, despite the added responsibilities. You are not late because you are a parent, or because of your children. You are late because you are lazy and selfish.

I repeat. Plenty of people are managing to figure it out, even with children. You are not bothering, because you are lazy and selfish.

And I actually believe you when you say that sometimes, stuff happens. But I'd bet money that "stuff" doesn't happen every time you're meeting a friend, and never when you're going to work. If your child has a blowout as you're trying to leave, then you TEXT the person you're meeting and say "oops! Little Petunia had a blowout, might be a little late!" But I would also bet money that Petunia has neither the concept of time nor the bodily control to stage one of these blowouts EVERY TIME you're trying to leave to meet a friend, and yet never when you're on the way to work.

My bottom line is this.
If I say meet me at 10, I expect to see you at 10.
If for some reason you can't be there for 10, I expect a text letting me know.
If I am not worth the literal less-than-pennies it costs to send a text to me to let me know the plan have to change slightly, then you are not worth the mental and emotional effort it costs to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't care enough about me to show even the most basic of manners - and Petunia will not wither and die in the thirty seconds she has to wait in her blowout while you send that text.

10 mins late is quite late if you don't let people know

People with normal manners (which includes being considerate of other people and not tying up their time unnecessarily by lateness or for any other reason) have no reason whatsoever to 'unclench'

People whose manners are different will never 'get' the impact of rudeness by lateness. Which is probably part of the same, boring selfishness.

emmyrose tells me "If you were my employee I'd have sacked you the first time you couldn't be arsed getting to the flight on time. Any fees incurred for ticket changes etc would come out of your pocket."
As I clearly explained earlier, I am no one's employee - I am self employed and senior in my field so my clients sort of have me, or nothing. If I missed a flight then of course I would have to pay and I wouldn't be paid for my time - you can't read the post let alone read the thread!

I also specifically said earlier that this is not something I can turn on and off, and then that was used as evidence against the OP who is putting forward a different argument. Anyway, so if I am going to miss flights I can miss ANY flights, its nothing to do with whether or not I am at work.

I see I too am being pulled into this thing where posters pick out a sentence from an explanatory post and decide to be outraged about it! I thought I had a good contribution to make about lateness but really no one is interested, they just want to be OUTRAGED!! You can do that by reading the Daily Mail you know guys, lots to be appalled about there. I thought we were having a discussion yet no one has wanted to talk.

Ah so we have punctual people who prefer not to be dicked around by people who don't give a shit as:

Beige
Uptight
DM readers

The 'I don't give a shit if I'm late because things happen' crew have thrown quite a lot of insults themselves

They are superior because they don't stress about rushing around being on time like the plebs.
God forbid you keep them waiting though.
I have found that is a pretty consistent trait with chronic latecomers. They are really not laid back about being kept waiting.

But MrsDV I am always stressed about time, its like a sickening vice around me, I hate being late. However, I am completely laid back about others being late - it wouldn't bother me if they did it every time.

Oh I give up. Best go or I'll be late for something.

"10 mins late is quite late if you don't let people know"

10 mins is nothing, unless you're waiting outside in the cold or something.

Depends where you're meeting. If it's softplay or the park I don't mind as you join in when you arrive. If we've arranged to go for a walk that's really annoying, as I'll be hanging around somewhere waiting for you. And I hate waiting in cafes- I have a small window while toddler is happy to sit still, so if you're 10mins late that window is gone!

Up to 10 min is totally fine, more than that and it starts to get annoying