What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

10 minutes is no issue if you are meeting for a coffee or soft play with a group.
It can be an issue if you are meeting a single person and they are uncomfortable sitting on their own.
It can be an issue if you are meeting somewhere with no shelter or seating.
It IS an issue if you are meeting for a show, train, actual meeting etc. AND if its habitual.

What you are doing is passing on your worries about being late for a train etc onto the people waiting for you. No wonder alwayslatepeople can be so laid back about it all. They pretty much hand over all that pleby stress to those hanging around at the station/stage door for them.

Huh. Some soft play places have timed entry, or get full to capacity quickly - ten minutes late can mean either paying to go in, then finding the friend can't get in when they arrive, or waiting for the friend and then all children missing out because the place is now full for the next two hours. Ten minutes is also a very long time with fractious children wherever you are, especially if they and you have no idea how long you will be waiting, whether to get on without the friend and let them catch up, or just hang about. Hanging about in a car park or not knowing whether or not to start queueing is just fucking irritating. Late people should just aim to be early... then they might be on time.

Also
people who say that they are 'only ever about 10 mins late' are usually way underestimating how late they are. I suspect their friends would tell you they are more likely to be 20 mins late at least.

StaplesCorner

Other threads, and indeed sites, are available if this one doesn't suit you. But the reason for your complaint seems to be that there is insufficient attention being paid to you and your reasons.

And I think that's a facet of the same time of selfishness that leads to lack of consideration for others, and inability to act in a considerate manner unless forced to (by a set and enforced timetable)

Being late is wasting someone else's time and thus self-important and selfish. You should never deliberately waste other people's time, only your own. You know that to be the case for interviews and medical appointments, now get your head out of your self-important arse and stop thinking friends are unreasonable for not wanting their time to be wasted by somebody else. They do. Enjoy your company, not hanging about waiting for your company.

It's another

OP AIBU
MN YES
OP NO IM NOT
MN YES YOU ARE
OP FLOUNCE

yes being consistently late is rude and disrespectful. It clearly defines you as thinking your time is more important than other people's.

DH is always late. Drives me crazy. And he genuinely thinks it's fine as everyone knows he's always late. Grrrrr.

I can't understand the people who are so uptight at some people being 5 minutes late, but can understand the people who are pissed off at often being held up by people who are regularly 20-30 minutes late.

You can't predict how long every journey you ever take will be, unless you're within walking distance of your meeting point. I don't know about other areas but buses and trains often don't turn up when they're meant to - as a regular Thameslink commuter whose trains only run every 15 minutes anyway, you can arrange to meet someone, check their website to see services are on time and within 2 minutes of train being due it can end up being 10 minutes late or cancelled. To people who would say get an earlier train or find an alternative route, you can't always do that each time.

If someone was regularly 15-30 mins late I would either stop meeting them or not turn up on time myself depending on how much I valued them.

I think people need to stop stressing about someone being 5-10 minutes late and people that are regularly later by 30 minutes plus need to accept that friends might stop making plans to meet them. I am shocked about some of the outraged responses on here though.

I would rather someone stole £10 from me rather than ten minutes.

I'm pretty confident, at this stage of my life, I'll see another tenner- but as the saying goes - I'll never get that ten minutes back.

Difference between being late unintentionally and being late because it doesn't matter to you enough to be on time

Staples I am like you, I am always on time myself as I don't like to get flustered, frequently really early and have to hang around places, but I don't mind a small amount of lateness/not being on time from a good friend. Especially with mobiles, so it's hardly a big deal if they text you.

I wouldn't like the 45 min/hour late thing at all. But I really don't have any friends who do that, we are all of the 'set off on time, sometimes things go pearshaped' variety.

I am always the first one at meetings at work, sitting around, this doesn't bother me though as I know I'm not going to get flustered and anxious rushing there (as I hate that). I don't feel morally superior to those who come in at 5 past, though, I just wouldn't want to be them, no seats, pushing past, mumbling their apologies.

Difference between being late unintentionally and being late because it doesn't matter to you enough to be on time

exactly.

And how come OP is "usually" late. "aim to be on time but ... end up late" etc, etc. If you gave a damn you'd be early as often as late.

Do you never aim to be on time and everything goes smoothly and you get there early? Because that's what often happens to people who really aim to be on time.

The whole ' I can be on time for important stuff but not for friends passes me right off.

Basically you are saying your time isn't as important as mine so you can wait for me. You arent as important as me so you can wait for the privilege of seeing me.

Real reasoms for lateness once in a while are obviously ok but persistent lateness nope get bloody organised quicker. If I can be on time so can you.

Running on time is something I find difficult. For example, if I have to be in work by 8:30, I aim to be earlier so I can get some little things done before then, but find that by the time my natural level of lateness kicks in, I'm just about on time. For regular things like that I have a routine and I can tell partway through the process that e.g. I haven't had breakfast by 7:40 I'm on course to run late and can manage that.

With a social arrangement, there isn't that routine which makes punctuality harder to achieve. Depending on the time of day, I'll be in a different state of readiness, I might be dependent on DH getting in, we'll be meeting in different places so it's not always a known time to get somewhere, sort parking so there's more variables that make room for error.

I do add buffer times but seem to get it wrong on my estimates. I know it should take 2 minutes to brush teeth but I'll then forget to factor in extra time for something like flossing out a stuck bit. Then there's the danger of allowing too much buffer time, feeling relaxed and distracted because I've got plenty of time on my mental schedule then ending up late at the end. I'll also check the time, think I'm doing OK, and get that time fixed in my head which doesn't update with real time which gets me in a false sense of security.

I do the stress of forcing myself out for work/ appointments etc, but it's not the mindset that I'm in for a social engagement. My timekeeping is quite good by family standards. My friends naturally run late too and we are relaxed around each other. If we're doing something like a meal at 7:30, we'll arrange drinks first so that there is a time to group up first rather than getting stressy over 7:30.

It was great when the ILs had DCs and they stopped turning up to our house so early and catching us in a sweaty frenzy of finishing the vacuuming after hours of cleaning the house down. When we arranged for them to come at 12, we meant at 12, not 11:30 when we are not ready. I'd rather have someone arrive at 12:30 when I've aimed to be ready at 12 as then I can sit and relax rather than still be preparing.

On a side note: school pick-up 3:15. School 200 yards away. 2 minute walk. 4 at DC2 pace. Aim for "exit mode" i.e. socks/ shoes at 3:00, out of the house at 3:05 so 10 minutes to do something that takes 5 minutes. DOUBLE the time required! DS2 may go like a rocket. He may go at a normal pace. Why does he have to have a sudden personality switch at 2:59 that means he's in a stroppy teary mess and being overtaken by slugs as he's dragged into the playground at 3:17. ARGH!

"Nobody is saying that someone who not NT is being rude by being late."
I have chronic Swiss-cheese-brain due to bipolar disorder and a host of other issues... I know that this is a problem and I plan accordingly. I try to be 5-15 minutes early for anything... and I wind up being late anyway. I'm also the person who turns up for appointments on the wrong day. But if you don't have to know that I'm not NT then I'm not going to tell you. Because it's none of your business. And it's not the most interesting thing about me, but some people seem to think it should be. I'm certainly not going to trot it out as an excuse for being late.
But don't worry. Because if I have to factor in whether or not you'll be upset by me being late, my anxiety will get the better of me and I'll cancel. I know there are people who think I'm just a flake, but, honestly, what other people might think of me doesn't bother me as much as some people probably think it should.

"If you had one bus an hour, and no other way of getting home, what would you do?"
I live in a rural area where the buses run far less frequently than that. What I do is sit down and wait the 3 or 4 hours I have to wait until the next one comes along.

@Elanetical
"I have spent a lifetime being told I'm rude for being late, and NOT having people consider that there are reasons for lateness that are unavoidable."

There are no reasons that are unavoidable. None at all. They just need to be overcome. Most people who are consistently late don't consist themselves late until the time that they should be somewhere has passed. They forget that they have to travel, perhaps park, walk to the venue, pay for entrance, find the person they are meeting, etc., and that all takes time.

If you want to be on time, you need to work backwards. Set the time you want to be at the place you need to be and ready to do the activity you are going to do, then allocate time to each step of the process that will allow you to achieve that. That will give you your timeline.

Example:

I start work at 8pm on a night shift, but I like to get a parking place, have a casual walk up to the unit, get into the unit and see what patients we have, how the day shift have got on, which patient I'm allocated, and have a cup of tea before the shift handover. So:

8pm: handover
7:50: cup of tea
7:45: in to handover room
7:35: arrive on unit
7:30: walk to unit
7:25: park
7:00: leave for work
6:45: dry hair
6:30: prep uniform with equipment/get dressed
6:15: wash/shower/wash hair
6:00: eat dinner

So if I want to be ready and do all the things I like to do before I start work, I have to start getting ready at 6pm, and leave the house at 7pm. Crucially, my timeline has enough slack that if something goes wrong, I can skip the casual stroll to the unit, the chat and the cuppa, and I know that really, as long as I leave the house by 7:30, I'd have to run, but I'd still make it to work on time.

NinjaLeprechaun
"Itry to be 5-15 minutes early for anything... and I wind up being late anyway."

Then can I suggest you try to be 20-30 minutes early? 5-15 minutes really isn't any time at all. That's just a car pulling out in front of a bus, or a traffic light turning to red.

Once again I give the scenario where if someone said you'd get £5 million if you turn up at a certain time, but not a second late, I GUARANTEE you that all of those 'I can't help it' people would miraculously be cured. And if it's 'only a few minutes' then why don't you use them to be early? Self centred to a person.

I think what's missing from the descriptions by those who regularly leave people waiting for them to turn up is the simple thought

"I don't want to be late"

I can't be late to anything, it makes me anxious! But I have no problem with other people being late, especially if it's 10 mins or so. more than 15 - 20 without good reason or regularly is a bit cheeky though. As a one off it's fine obviously.

But I don't want to be late, and I do work backwards. I'm just not accurate in my estimates of time and miss out micro-stages of getting ready such as hunting down the hairbrush because it was last used chasing down a reluctant child then got put down as my focus was trying to herd him out at a punctual time so didn't put it in a usual place, thus "brushing my hair" took 7 minutes not the intended 3.

My immediate memory for very short term mundane things is also terrible so I can't remember if I did something or thought about doing it, so I might be hunting for a purse to swap from bag A to put in bag B having forgotten that I've already done it.

Why ask if you're convinced you're right?