What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

Ur caring, not the selfish, rude twat ur being painted as

Agree with the vast majority, however much you try to alter what you said in your OP, to what you said in your 2nd post.
It is incredibly rude to be habitually late when you've arranged to meet someone.
No-one is talking about the odd occasion when something unavoidable happens to delay you - of course people understand that, and of course people would rather you were safe and not rushing. However, that isn't what you asked in the first place, when you were talking about usually being 10mins late

If my dc are involved I am always 10 minutes late. I can start getting ready an hour earlier than I need to but it never works
On my own I can be 10 mins early or late but I manage that. For important stuff I do OK and am my friends' Ms Reliable. One of my friends is so regularly an hour or more late that I'm the punctual one

Whenever I read these sort of posts I'm always thankful for my friends! None arrive in time. We are all late. We also all have v small unpredictable children! Generally we'll arrange to go round each others houses 'when x wakes from their nap in an hour or so'. I love them. None of us feel guilty.

Find new friends if they are huffy!

Now I'm off to watch a film with OH -30mins later than planned but luckily he's still here and not stomped off the sofa. I'll then spirit him away for some lovely jiggy time- thank god have no schedule for that! Night all.

Hey. Look at me. While ur all so invested in the thread, I'm going to watch a film and have sex. Because I can get sex.

Must have been a shit film if you managed to fit both it and sex into that window between posts. Either you turned it off or he didn't last very long. Anyway, welcome back.

I hate being late personally, but my best friend has form for it. I don't care, we expect it and he gets little dogs - all good natured! And would rather he was 10 mins late than me getting arsey about it and ruining dinner or something. It just doesn't seem like a big deal for me.

I think 10 minutes here and there occasionally between friends is acceptable.

20 minutes plus without an apology and a reasonably good excuse is pushing it.

Meh, it depends.

Meeting someone you don't know? Be on time.

Meeting someone you know but leaving them e.g. standing in the street? Be on time.

Let's meet up (as a group) in the pub tonight, say 7:30pm? I'd text if I was going to be more than 10-15 mins late. But then, I also know that I and my pub meeting friends if getting there first (which I sometimes do) would just grab a table & a drink and whip out a kindle until the first person arrived.

I am generally on time, but not often early. DP is always running at the last kick and it drives me potty but not so much with friends (who know his ways), as with things like bloody opening hours at the tip - so incredibly stressful.

FWIW I've quietly suggested to a few friends that if timing is important they give the real time to me and I give him one half an hour earlier. Then he'll bloody well be ready on time.

I'm with you OP. I turn up 15 mins early for work without fail, this involves a huge effort on my part. Everything else I might be early on time or late, I try hard not to give specific times, but might for example say 2ish instead. I've no problem with others turning up early on time or late either life is too short. If I'm more than 10 mins late I text.
Years ago I eventually fell out with a friend who I regularly walked my dogs with who if I was a couple of minute late or more bizarrely a coupe of minutes early calling round to her house would sulk for the first 10 minutes of the walk. It just became too tedious in the end.

I'm late for everything. Have been forever. Actually the more important the occasion, the more likely it is that I will be late, or make it by the skin of my teeth, all panting and sweaty from running. Usually holding back tears while I'm driving. I get home from work late every day, because I have to make up the time from running late every day. I literally have clocks in every room in my house, I set alarms - you name it.

I have no concept of time. Most people get by using guesswork, as to how long things will take them to accomplish. I honestly cannot do it. I have neurological problems, which mean I have no real executive function, I have severely impaired ability to plan and organise, poor memory, and very slow cognitive response, which makes me react and perform tasks much more slowly than your average person. If I try to perform more quickly, I usually drop things, trip up, mess everything up and have to start again.

I usually laugh and joke about always being late 'oh haha, what am I like, I'd be late for my own funeral etc etc,' but it actually impacts hugely on my life, and cause huge amounts of stress. Some days are worse than others, and it feels like I'm wading through quicksand. Most people have no idea that I have this condition (dyspraxia/and possible high functioning autism) so they just probably think that I'm an arrogant dickhead that values my time above everyone else's. If mumsnet is to be believed anyway. It's estimated that one in ten people are dyspraxic to some degree.

Meeting friends or family I wouldn't care about up to 15 minutes. 15 to 30 minutes, I would be ok as long as they texted or called. I wouldn't want to wait more than 30 minutes though.

With my PIL. If you arrange to meet for lunch at 12pm, they'll be there at 11.30am and annoyed if you aren't there at 12.01pm. If they say they'll be at your house around at 2pm, they'll usually arrive at 1.15pm. I find it annoying. SIL, if she says she'll be there at 2pm, she'll often arrive at 4pm if she arrives at all.

I think people are a bit odd about getting upset about 5 minutes.

Backforgood I haven't altered what I said at all but was trying to elaborate and respond to some of the accusations. People seem to like to nit pick on wording, as you have, to make their point but have completely misconstrued what I was trying to ask. Genuinely I find it very interesting that so many people would get so annoyed. Many of you seem very binary - late/ not late, important/ not important. Just because I said work is important, it does not mean my friends are not. I think everyone here knows exactly that but don't let common sense get in the way of a good argument though. You all know that going to a hospital appointment for e.g. Is "important" and meeting for coffee and cake is not.
As for people who turn up early - get a life! This was part of my op - if they had to wait longer because they are early - do you get to be more annoyed?
I'm glad there are other people who run late/ people who are reasonable and not care about a few mins - life happens! These are people who live in the real world.
Just reading about people who are having panic attacks and anxiety because they're late just confirms my thinking - what's the point in feeling like that? Especially for a fun day out? I'd hate to meet up with some of the people above, getting there and then being met with this hostility! What fun!

The best and fairest boss I've ever had had a mantra..

To be early is to be on time...
To be on time is to be late
To be late is unacceptable

This isnt about lateness at all, but about you being a selfish and self absorbed piece of work.

Thankfully you are not one of my friends, and I know this because none of mine would treat me as you do yours, like an extra in the film of your life.

Your whole attitude disgusts me.

Why ask the AIBU question when you're not open to truly listening to what the majority of posters are saying to you?

You're getting so defensive at everyone who has an opposing view to you. Saying that we're hostile and don't live in the real world.

If you're not willing to take in and digest what most people are actually saying then why ask in the first place?

Most people so far have said YABU.

Having friends that just accept you as you are means I don't worry about this issue much.

If I am anxious about something I often find being organised very difficult and then get stressed about letting people down by being disorganized and late, and it just spirals. Like when friends get annoyed if you cancel things quite often and they see you as flaky, so you worry about being sure to make it, and then that turns into disorganization, and then the stress isn't worth it so you cancel things.

I realized that I just needed friends that understood that sometimes I had mental health issues and didn't fall out over things like this.

My friend is so good that if she thinks I am being too avoidant because I get caught in a feedback loop, she'll come over and let herself in and make a cup of tea and ask if I want to talk about it. This lack of judgement means that I spend less time anxious and thus am late less, cancel fewer meet ups and am able to support her when she needs me to go to her house and wrap her like a duvet burrito and tell her she'll be okay.

I don't get stressed about appointments at doctors or getting in to work, so it's not an issue of being late to everything unless I'm basically unwell enough to have to cancel or call in sick anyway.

Punctuality, and the importance thereof, is apparently very highly cultural. In some cultures being on time would be seen as quite odd and probably uncouth.
One place I used to live the running joke was that if somebody told you they'd be there before noon on Tuesday, you should make sure you know which Tuesday they meant.

Raisinshoes well said.
Personally I think that people who are chronically early are far ruder than people who are chronically late. It's pretty much a miracle that I get anywhere on time, but I'm rarely more than 5 minutes late. If I'm putting every effort into being on time and I know that the person is going to be waiting for me no matter how hard I try, then it's just going to stress me to the point that I'm probably going to be even later.

I'm like you. I expect people with kids to get there early/ late by about 15 mins and don't see the problem. I only know people who are relaxed about this kind of thing. If I'm there early I just get on with the activity and know kids can need sudden toilet trips/ have mishaps making the other mum late.
I'm living in NZ and not encountered people who would care - could it be more important in England ? I've forgottten.

Consistently being late is rude. A one-off and you've texted/phoned an apology before you're actually late is a consideration we all need on occasion. But not often.

I had no idea people cared so much about 5/10 mins and I'm on time to places. I wouldn't even class 5 mins as late. You never know exactly how long the tube/bus will take. None of my friends would care. If you're in a cafe/pub by the time you've got a drink and sat down they would be there.

Later than that you need to text and apologise. I do have a friend who's always about 30 mins late and that is annoying.

Rabbit, you say you are right to be relaxed rude about timing, because who wants to get all stressed about being late, but you are causing other people stress by being late.

If you are meeting somewhere you can just get on with the fun- like a soft play centre, then it's not so bad. If it's somewhere you pay to park, or they have to wait outside, it's not ok.

If you text me to say you are going to be ten minutes late when I've just set out having rushed to be on time, then that doesn't help me feel better at all. I'll be thinking of all the things I could have done in that ten minutes.

It's totally different if you are visiting someone's home- ten minutes is neither here nor there, they can make use of the time.

If it's about 'how things turn out' then sometimes you will be early, sometimes on time, sometimes late. You are consistent,y late, which means you disrespect them and consider them less important than you,

I'm going against the grain here. I'm late for everything, my lateness is non-discriminatory; friends, boyfriends, parents, the lot. But the people who know me & accept that this is part of my make-up don't get into a flap about it.

For instance, I will arrange to meet friend at 7. Friend then thinks, 'ah, we're on ddssdd time, I'll turn up at 7.15' . Or, if there is, say, a trip to the cinema and film starts at 8, we will arrange to meet at 7, to give ddssdd time to get her shit together. And if people are late for me? It doesn't really matter...

I have always been like this. For everything. Maybe it's genetic, who knows? But it is not a sign that I don't care.

I'm a very chilled person and not a lot ruffles my feathers. I'd say the sticklers for lateness are maybe a bit uptight?! And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

ddssdd And in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

Have you ever worked? Had a doctor's or dentist appointment?

as for people who turn up early - get a life!

You are quite the charmer, aren't you OP? I also have bad anxiety about being late for things. But to say that people who are on time are 'beige' and 'need to get a life'? I think being late is the least of your issues