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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's a few minutes between friends

590 replies

NottheWhiteRabbit · 26/05/2017 21:12

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
NottheWhiteRabbit · 28/05/2017 13:00

Bearlet seem to have explain things in a better way perhaps. People didn't like my phrasing, or have hung on to certain parts of post but decide to leave out parts that can't be used to get outraged by.
BeyondthePage I can be on time, I have been early occasionally and am some times late but when I am late it's usually no more than 5 mins. (As stated in op) Posters earlier in the thread decided to interpret that based on their own bad experiences.
Easy to get to work on time as someone has commented before, you do it every day, you have a routine, you know where you're going. And work is important, not just because you are paid to be there, but your colleagues rely on you. Friends are important too but having coffee and playing is not important. Work can't start unless I am there at the right time, but fun things can start with or without me.
Getting to places on time is great. Being extra early to waste your own time when you self proclaim to be very busy and doesn't want to waste time - doesn't make sense.
There are a lot of double standards on here, seems one can assassinate a stranger's character but a response in kind is not permitted. I enjoy a lively debate, conclusion is some people think few mins late is ok, some don't.
Some people just want to find a thread and be contrary or swear at people. It has made this less fun.
But thank you to posters who have offered their perspectives.
Not wanting to reiterate myself too much or having to spell out every literal detail but there may be a need here - I don't purposely upset the friend who got "huffy". She wasn't having break down because I was a bit late either, but noticeable a bit off, she has been late too but I don't get annoyed, I wouldn't even ask for a reason. She chooses to stand outside and she has arrived early. Making the waiting much more than it needed to be. So there was the situation that made me think of the post in the first place.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/05/2017 13:15

Work can't start unless I am there at the right time, but fun things can start with or without me
But don't you understand how irritating that can be? Say it was a group of people you were meeting and they have to decide... do we go on in without you, or shall we stay here, has anyone heard from her, I wonder if there is a problem blah blah. No, of course this isn't for 5 minutes but for more, it can cause consternation.

You have summed it up OP. You would hate to get there early. You have to understand that getting there early means when the appointed meeting time occurs, that person is on time. Whereas you.... you don't want to ever be early (or you'll feel you need to get a life) so you will always err on the side of late to avoid that. Thereby causing others to hang around.

I must add to this... 5-10 minutes not a problem. My post although addressed to you, really applies to the habitual late people more than 10 mins.

Also have to say... if I'm there early I don't add that time into it all. I would only think of someone as late from the appointed time, not my choice of time if I'm early.

TheRealPooTroll · 28/05/2017 14:05

Agreed. If it's so little hassle hanging around for friends and you can just begin the fun by yourself then why not get there early yourself and begin the fun while waiting for your friends to arrive?
The reason you don't want to do that is the same reason your friend was huffy with you. If they'd have wanted a coffee or whatever alone they would have done that instead. If you are meeting up with kids the 5/10 minutes of being harassed as to where you are probably isn't the most enjoyable experience for them.
Everyone can be late every now and again for reasons beyond their control. And people are generally quite understanding when it's not very often. But aiming to be slightly late is selfish and pretty annoying.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2017 14:13

"they have to decide... do we go on in without you"

That's easy. Don't meet outside!

I waited 45 minutes for a friend last night. We were eating and people were discussing whether we should wait for him. When he arrived, he said "I wish you hadn't waited for me", but expecting the waiters to come around twice would have been impolite and confusing for them.

On the other hand, if it were drinks, I wouldn't have minded at all.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/05/2017 14:17

conclusion is some people think few mins late is ok, some don't

In other news I believe the pope is Catholic...

Why the mild faux surprise that some will agree and some won't? How odd Confused

Roussette · 28/05/2017 14:18

It depends what it is doesn't it? For instance, there was a group of us going to a party for another friend, big birthday etc and we'd got this special present we all wanted to take in together as it was very funny. One habitually late friend is late. Do we go in without her etc etc

RTKangaMummy · 28/05/2017 14:31

With things like flights, trains, doctor and hospital appointments we are always on time

But totally agree with @NottheWhiteRabbit with friends or family we are much more relaxed about time

We just say approx 10am so anywhere between 9.45 and 10.15

Things like M25 play havoc with times, sometimes completely clear and sometimes a complete traffic jam so even if we leave early we can end up texting to say we are in M25 car park (obviously the passenger texts not driver)

Early people drive us up the wall especially if coming to our house, we think that is much ruder so if we were expecting people at 10am we would expect them between 9.45 and 10.15 but deffo not at 9.30, just go for a walk or wait in the car please Angry

Roussette · 28/05/2017 14:45

But it's absolutely fine if you stipulate between 9.45 and 10.15 and come anywhere within that time. No one can get arsey about that.

It's when you are meeting someone elsewhere at a particular time and are perpetually late.

Crowdblundering · 28/05/2017 14:46

I have ended friendships for this reason Blush

Original poster
NottheWhiteRabbit · 28/05/2017 16:25

Liviadrusilla
In other news I believe the pope is Catholic...

Why the mild faux surprise that some will agree and some won't? How odd 

Reason for stating the obvious is that people in the punctual camp is not allowing people to ok with slight lateness. People who are late have to be horrible people. I, however, think it's great if you're on time, Being early to every single thing is a waste of time but ultimate their choice, but just don't be a martyr about it.
You'll never be convinced that you're uptight and inflexible, and I won't accept being a bit late for friends (and family) is selfish and disrespectful.
I'm genuinely surprised people need to be aggressive about it, not surprised that people may disagree with me.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/05/2017 16:29

Nobody is being aggressive. Being late is sometimes unavoidable. Not being bothered to turn up on time isn't so great.

Is it really such a shock that people have different opinions though?Confused

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/05/2017 16:29

And Tbf I think it's your wording that annoyed people rather than the sentiment behind it

Original poster
NottheWhiteRabbit · 28/05/2017 16:38

TheRealPooTroll
If everyone turns up on time, great - that's ideal. If your friend is late by 10 mins and your kids are kicking off in that time, it's inconvenient, I'm sure it is, but if you turn up early, it's possible your kids can get fractious in the 10 mins prior to meeting time also? In this scenario, why is being early better for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
NottheWhiteRabbit · 28/05/2017 16:45

Again livia, I'm not surprised people disagree. You've chosen again to ignore that part of my post.
I've re-read my op a few times, I guess it's the danger of the written word, the tone have to be assumed, your preconceptions on the subject either makes you read it negatively or not.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/05/2017 16:52

why is being early better for you?

Because I don't want my friends hanging around for me even if my DCs are fractious.

I am to be early or on time. I don't aim to be on time or late which is what you do!

Original poster
NottheWhiteRabbit · 28/05/2017 17:06

So I'll try and using different wording and see how that goes, I'll use a case study method:
If I am going to an interview (important) and it's a distance away, say it'll take an hour to get there, perhaps involves driving on m25, I will have to make sure I get there on time, by checking traffic, leaving an hour or more earlier, prepare everything the night before etc - because the consequences of being late is great.
But if I was meeting friends to take kids to the soft play (not important- not compulsory) and the place opened at 10, it takes 30mins to get there, I will leave at 9.30. So if all goes smoothly, I'd be exactly on time . But if a nappy explosion happens, that would then make me late. The consequences of this is that friend had to wait 5/10 mins, in real terms, that isn't a long time.

By what people are saying, you should give yourself an extra hour for every outing in case you get a nappy explosion. And everyone should do this. Following this logic, if a nappy explosion doesn't happen, my friends and I would all arrive at 9, all sitting there, an hour early, waiting for the place to open. With the kids. That's better than 1 person having to risk a possibility of waiting 5mins?? Only this way, you can be a respectful friend?

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/05/2017 17:09

I've always said that 5-10 minutes is not a problem, shit happens Grin

But any more than that, i.e. 15 minutes upwards is just down to not allowing enough time and not caring that someone could be hanging around waiting. I agree that there's a big difference between job interview and meeting friend etc.... but if someone was repeatedly say 20 minutes late meeting me, I would get a bit pissed off to be honest.

Alter · 28/05/2017 17:27

I feel extremely rude when I turn up late and it stresses me out keeping the other psrson waiting. I always make contact if I am going to be even a few mins late. But I know others are quite reaxed about it so it must depend on how you've been bought up and your approach to things, not one easily overcome.

SaS2014 · 28/05/2017 17:28

If as a one off you are late its fine, its easily forgivable as anyone can have a bad day. But to always be late, or very regularly late is just rude. And it something that annoys the hell out of me. i
have a friend who is like this, and its anything from 10 mins to 45 mins late regularly. to the point where i just assume whatever time she suggests she will not be on time ever. and its not just now that she has kids cos she was just as bad before she has them.
its rudeness i'm afraid, nothing more! YABVU!!!

Myshitdontstink · 28/05/2017 17:30

YABU! This drives me insane, however I have one friend who is never on time and I've known her 15 years, so I'm always 15mins late to meet her and still usually there first!
I think you can get away with it more with closer friends who will make more allowances!

Scarriff · 28/05/2017 17:30

I had a friend like you who was chronically late. Because I loved her I used to arrange to meet her in places where I could sit down, order a drink and so on. Then one Sunday when meeting her for lunch I forgot the venue and 40 minutes late. She was fuming, wouldnt believe I hadnt done it on purpose and remained angry all evening. It ruined our friendship as I began to understand that her lateness was a statement about her view of the world and of my friendship. Not a nice one either. Find a way to respect your friends. Be timely.

jayne1976 · 28/05/2017 17:39

Fate doesn't go against you for timings of getting for work etc - just for meeting friends! So you could be on time if you so wished

MoronsandNeurons · 28/05/2017 17:39

I think anything later than 10 minutes without communication is rude. But I also think anything more than 10 minutes early without communication is equally rude.
But late people are usually late to everything, including cinema/work. So it doesn't really add up. It's ok to be 10 minutes late every now and then, but it should be the same standard across the board, not just lax with friends unless it's been arranged as a casual thing.

Craigie · 28/05/2017 17:42

I literally couldn't be friends with you. Being late it so fucking rude.

RaqsMax · 28/05/2017 17:43

So what you are saying is that you have no problem being punctual when it matters to you (for an event, for business), but that your friends don't matter enough to you to extend to them the courtesy of being on time.

Do you seriously think that it is OK to leave them waiting for 20 minutes dancing attendance on you? Well, it's not OK. It's bloody rude and inconsiderate. (You admit to 20 mins; so I bet you are often later).

Regretfully, this lack of basic manners seems to be a modern tendency. Well I'm calling it out for what it is. RUDE!

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