What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

"I understand that 20 minutes is the acceptable amount of time to wait before leaving. (can't remember why but perhaps someone could back that up?)."

Yes, I would agree with that.
I've waited up to an hour for some friends though if we're meeting in the pub. I don't mind having a drink by myself and reading my book.

sorry op that i have anxiety and i need to get a life because i like being on time

glad youre not my friend

Going off thread completely here. Badlad when did it become 'look at me' to say that I have a loving partner I want to spend time with?! I make no apologies for attempting to be lighthearted. I have 3 gorgeous children, a job I love and feel supported in which fulfils me, wonderful friends and family and a partner who is fantastic in every sense of the word, including in bed- and I'm not going to apologise for any of that either. Is nobody allowed to be happy or lighthearted on a thread?

Is this you and Mr. Jiggly?

gorgeous sexy time

Wheeze

@TheFirstMrsDV Our head of department (Public Sector) was always late for meetings.

An ex-colleague of mine used to always do this, he was no more senior than anyone he was meeting but with him it was a pure power play dick move.

And the worst part was that how own management thought it was funny and "just Jim being Jim". Never mind the fact there are a dozen or so other people repeatedly losing working time hanging on calls and in meeting rooms for Jim to decide he's marked his territory enough and deign to show up.

Awful awful man. And he had one of those single long grimy little fingernails too, which is just gross.

Interesting to note that all the people who don't think lateness is an issue do actually have a limit. To a person they all seem to have said "I don't mind x minutes" lateness, and some have gone further by explicitly saying "but y late is too much".

So being late DOES piss them off, they just won't admit it because they are late and they know it's rude.

Sorry, I didn't answer ur question.

Badlad when did it become 'look at me' to say that I have a loving partner I want to spend time with?!

It's usually when people reach adulthood, and realise that having sex isn't actually anything unusual - in fact, most people do it regularly. So they grow out of having to bring it up in conversations that have nothing to do with it.

I've told this before but worth repeating.
We used to go out with a friend on Friday night and we went to pick him up every week at 9. Exh would go in to get him,quarter of an hour/ half an hour later he's ready. In the meantime me and FIL sat in the freezing car, whilst ex had a chat with friend's parents etc. That was bad enough.
Every week I'd drive everyone home as I don't drink and every time I'd drop him off he'd hop out the car, thank my ex hubby and never thank me. One night I lost it, got to our house and told him he was bloody rude, not only with being late every bloody week but never saying thank you. My exh got snotty, told me that he'd drive him home, even though he'd been drinking. Told him not to be so stupid, friend's in the back of the car saying he'd walk home from our house etc. I drove him home ( he had the grace to thank me this time!) and i said I'm never driving him home again. Bit of a frosty drive home!
Next week he got ready on time, we weren't waiting for ages but when ex asked me if I was gonna drive everyone home I said no. I meant what i said and for 7 years i never drove him home again.

I imagine it's quite easy to be laid back about time keeping when you're never the poor mug who's kept waiting.

And kooky means eccentric or odd, wildbhoysmama , not whatever the chuff you think it means.

"To a person they all seem to have said "I don't mind x minutes" lateness, and some have gone further by explicitly saying "but y late is too much"."

Well I said I've waited up to an hour for a friend to arrive at the pub. It was a Sunday afternoon, I wasn't busy, but of course it depends on the circumstances.

I've been surprised at how strongly people feel about others being late. Do we have a consensus?

In a social context:

Rude:

Being more than 5 mins late when someone is waiting in the cold/hot/rain (and if truly unavoidable let them know "on way" or rearrange so they go somewhere better).

Being avoidably late when you're picking someone up or being picked up and it makes the other person late.

Being avoidably late when you don't know them well.

Being avoidably late when people
can't do what they're there for without you (e.g. tennis, football).

Arriving at someone's house for lunch / dinner / coffee/ play date at all early (I'd say don't even linger outside in case you're seen). Unless you know them very well and even then, ask.

Arriving at someone's house for lunch / dinner / coffee / play date more than 15-30 mins late depending on the formality of the occasion and unless it's how you and your friends roll.

Isn't it all about communication? Which is easier than ever. If it doesn't matter we could say "2-2:30".

Choose our friends so we all have the same attitude. Be considerate but be forgiving.

Sorry that OP took such a pasting, it was an interesting question and I've been astounded by the passion!




lazy - I broadly agree, but would never arrange to meet outside unless it's very good weather. Why would you?

Sounds reasonable lazy, I have done the 2 to 2.15 thing for casual meet ups especially when DC were small and it didn't matter if you were sitting in the park by the swings waiting. But you look like a berk if you're standing outside Costa for more than 5 mins like you've been stood up. I wouldn't go in and order my coffee because it would be cold by the time the late friend turns up.These days there is no reason for me to be more than 5 mins late other than a traffic accident i.e unforeseen circumstances.

shots I think I got even more wound up because he was nearly always the only man at the meeting.
The idea of all these grown, professional, busy women being kept waiting by this utter cock of a man enraged me.

@NottheWhiteRabbit - how would you react if you were late, and your friends decided not to wait for you? Would you be cross because they had disrespected you by not thinking you were worth waiting for, or would you accept that that was the risk you'd run by not being on time?

Communication does seem to be the key- if someone is going to be a bit more relaxed about their timings, it would seem better if they said "I'll be there sometime after 10" rather than "I'll be there at 10".

I would say that if some of your friends are getting huffy - aka upset - by your habitual lateness, you need to think about why, and ask yourself if you are happy to keep on upsetting them. Hint - being happy to carry on upsetting a friend does not make you a good or thoughtful friend.

Touche, BadLads, the photo is hysterical. Really funny. Look, I was being lighthearted and funny talking about jiggy time ( Will Smith reference anyone?) and admittedly facetious when I said gorgeous sexy time ( Christ I'd never use that expression). Obviously a thread that didn't suit funny or ironic, so apologies if I caused offence.
Reddog I don't regard myself as immature or self-absorbed and I'm pretty sure colleagues/ friends dont see me that way, so it is unfortunate I came across that way to u. I can insult with the rest but I do try to be tongue in cheek.
Lazy seems to have summed it up very, very well indeed.
I'll sneak back to feminism boards now.

Two of my friends do this and I find it really, really inexcusable, now I just always go 30 mins late to each meeting too so I don't end up sitting there like a lemon.

wildbhoysmama if you were trying to be funny it fell flatter than a pancake and comments such as 'I've got your back, OP' and 'u r caring' (how you would deduce that from the few posts the OP made I've no idea) and the less said about 'jiggy time' the better, do make you sound very immature.

Also, do regulars on the Feminist Boards normally sneer at other women by calling them 'beige', 'uptight' and my absolute favourite 'vinegary faced women who were bitter about everyone else having a nice life, you know the ones whose smiles never reach their eyes and have schazenfreud'?

Badlands- I really don't wish to upset anyone and ur photo was priceless, really made me laugh.The 'I've got ur back ' was supposed to be like in school wen ur 14, again ligthearted and not serious. Beige and upright were, again, so ridiculous I presumed folk would realise I was being lighthearted.
The vinegar line I actually said I considered the pp might be like this but concluded otherwise. But I have met women and men exactly like this and by privately thinking of them as such it stops them draining the joy from me.
But ur right the humour fell flat as a pancake. Sometimes I forget posters aren't my friends who r in front of me and get me. I really am pretty funny ( so im told) and very easy going in rl and actually don't like upsetting people.
I doff my cap and shall remember to be less inflamatory.

Sorry RedDogsBeg I meant to address that last post to you, I got mixed up with names- trying to run kids' bath at same time.

If you're meeting someone out it is rude to be persistently late - occasionally it can't be helped if something last minute crops up but I hate to wait esp if it's for a meal. I'm a bit less bothered if it's coffee as you're not usually starving!
I'd expect a text if a friend was going to be more than 10 mins late for any reason. In fact I met a friend yesterday who said she was going to be late so I just set off later as didn't really want to hang around and we got there the same time. That was fine.

Thank you to Lazy for a much more composed response. I have taken a bit of a pasting! I was just posing a question for discussion which I was surprised by how controversial it was. People have asked why ask in the first place - it is possible to want to find out what others thought about a topic but not be persuaded bullied to their opinion just because they disagree with you.
Everything that people thought would be reasonable is what I do, texting ahead, no more than 5- 10 mins late etc. I think some posters haven been burned by their own chronically late friends experiences in RL and are projecting their frustrations on to me here. I have never left anyone waiting in the cold/ rain, I specifically mentioned scenarios where you can go in and begin by yourself. People saying waiting 5 mins would disrupt their own schedule for the entire day?! Just because you start late, doesn't mean you need to end the meet up late.
People turning up early and wasting 15-20 mins standing/ sitting outside somewhere waiting, but your whole world implodes if you had to wait 5 mins if a friend was late? If the argument is not wanting to waste time, then this makes no sense. So you would get ready and leave early for absolutely every event in you life just in case of any unexpected delays? That's not realistic.
I also completely agree with foureyesbetterthantwo, how can people who aren't prepared to be flexible for a friend actually have any friends left?
Reading more carefully I think lots of people are saying it's ok within reason to be late. There are some more angrier people here who are a bit extreme, and certainly have been more hostile.
Maybe next time you're waiting, pop open Mumsnet again and insult someone else - boom - 5 mins will go by in a flash for you.

And I sometimes add more time on so certain friends arrive on time - come @ 8 to leave @ 8.20 - you know they're gonna turn up at 8.15 - if I'd said 8.15 they'd be here at 8.30 ie, late!

You haven't been bullied

MrsDV being called a twat or a dick is bullying in my view