To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

[VogelVogel]

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again if she doesn't change.

You need to choose between your wife and your parents. It's that simple.

This is a wind up. No matter what race, culture etc is involved here this is just weird. Your parents sound vile & I feel sorry for your wife. Kidnap the kids to bring them up better. Give me strength!! What planet are you & your parents from .

What kind of emotional support did you seek? Was it a colleague? Why did you turn to her and why did it end? Does your wife know?

Your poor, poor wife. If I was her I wouldent let children within a mile of your parents. They are awful people and you are being a bad husband. You say you have backed your wife but here you are bitching behind her back and even when everyone says your being unfair you give a petualent but but but. Your parents have been awful to your wife. So what if your mum didnt mean it, she said it and any decent mother would protect her children. You need to take a long firm look in the mirror and work out how you can be a decent husband. Of course your wife wants to protect your children from these toxic people. Being old doesnt make you nice. As for looking for emotional support else where you should be begging your wifes forgiveness and working out how to become a better husband. I really do feel bad for your wife

If this is true then I suggest you try and speak to some sort of counsellor or therapist for at least a dozen sessions. You can work through what has happened and how you can best unpick the mess.

You may never reconcile your parents and your wife. However if you get the right counselling then you may be able to rebuild your marriage.

I don't suggest joint counselling. I don't think it would be helpful at this point.

Does your wife come on MN?

It was people online.

Yes she found out. And as a consequence I am not trusted and I am trying my best to earn back that trust.

I did not "shag around"

I am not proud of myself.

I will suggest relate.

You have no chance. Fancy chipping in to the crowdfund?

German

I don't think they are - he said not European. Indian subcontinent would be my guess.

OP is South Asian I'm guessing. Sadly this kind of shit does still go down.

Grow some balls OP, please.

Op, you have no chance getting the trust back while you are threatening to seek support elsewhere.

Maybe Sylvanians?

And as a consequence I am not trusted and I am trying my best to earn back that trust.

Not trying that hard, are you? Your OP said you would be looking elsewhere if things continue as they are.

Meaning it would be impossible to stay in this situation.

You can't be trying to earn someone's trust and still look elsewhere for "emotional support" (which is one of the shittest ways to describe an affair). If you love someone you don't look elsewhere for anything. If you love someone you protect and nurture and treasure that love. If you love someone you say "what the fuck is wrong with you?" when your parents start acting the goat with them. If you love them you don't speak about them as though they're a commodity.

You're not in love. You just enjoy having someone there to do the shit work while you prance about playing tiny violins for yourself. Do her a favour and leave her. Move in with those delightful parents of yours, nurse them in their old age and let her be free of your ri-damn-diculous shenanigans.

Ok - so your marriage from your wife's point of view in summary:-

Husband who goes online dating (but is very proud that he didn't get as far as the shagging bit) and is thinking about doing it again
Husband who gets himself into debt
In laws tried to have wedding stopped
In laws refused to go to wedding
In laws threatened to kidnap children and take abroad so she would never see them again
In Laws who send horrific emails to all family telling horrific lies about her
In laws who "joke" that she has been shagging around and so the children are not her husband's
In laws who call her a gold digger (but "relent" when she gives them cast iron proof that if anyone is the gold digger it is their son)
Husband who thinks them "relenting" when given proof of this makes it ok
Husband who thinks his evil parents are "good people" and the illegal threats, the accusations, the verbal abuse and the years and years of misery are just a "lot of hot air".
In laws who despite being cut out keep turning up on a day that should be happy and special
Husband who wants to take the children to see them (so they can drip their horrific poison into their ears)
Husband now describing her as "unfair and irrational"

And you haven't even said what was in the "worst" of the emails.

The poor woman. I'm amazed she hasn't had a complete breakdown with all that. She must love you very much to stay despite you and your parents awfulness. What a pity you have no idea how lucky you,are with her.

If this is true, and I am fervently hoping this is a troll, I'm willing to bet that the wife is only staying because she knows that leaving means the OP, and his DParents, will get their hands on the kids. Without her having any say.

So she stays, miserably unhappy, to protect her children from the abusive, narcissistic, self-centred and threatening behaviour of these people. Op's wife, if you're a MNer, get some advice from Women's Aid.

I think that is why she stays. Staying means she is better placed to protect her kids.

I was thinking exactly the same thing! If I was her I would be seriously worried about him have custody rights, he has the dc at weekends and she has no way to a) stop his vile parents kidnapping them/brainwashing them as well and b) why would she want them around him on his own either if this is the way he treats her?!
I hope so much this is not true, this poor women I can't imagine how desperately unhappy she must be. I imagine she is probably hanging on with this marriage purely to protect her dc from the OP and his hateful family at the sake of her happiness and probably sanity and she will leave herself when they are old enough. I hope to god she is having an affair herself to provide her with some support to get through this.

OP, You are a complete asshole and the fact you cannot even acknowledge her side of it, your wrong doing or your parents wrong doing is very worrying. Are you that self absorbed?! It's not your wife that is being abusive it is you and your family

Oh god I hope your wife leaves! I will certainly donate to her LTB fund.

You and your parents sound like awful people.

VogelVogel this situation sounds really hard for all concerned. I am very sorry for you because I think you are all kind of stuck in a bad situation.

I would say if you want to see your parents, then you should do this.

I can understand why your wife would not like the children to see your parents after what they have said about her and the things in general.

I think in your shoes I would just see your parents, explain that you will not be bringing the children (when they are older they may decide to come and may be able to come with you). If your parents complain, remember they have created this situation.

And I would focus on your marriage and what you want to do. See if your wife will agree to some counselling together and work through some of these issues together.

You have not been as supportive as you could, you've made mistakes. You can't see the problems. But I do think you are both very unhappy.

You only get one life and you sound very miserable so I would focus on seeing if you can make your situation better, support your wife and your parents and try and do this all separately. Do not try to work it all out so everyone gets on together, because they simply will not.

I think you've been (I hope) honest about your own failings so you are at least aware. Are you aware how upset all this must have made your wife?

I think you and your wife need to work this out together, you have chosen to stay together so maybe there is still some love there, or maybe neither of you wishes to disturb the kids, or maybe you both do not want to rock the boat.

Your mums offer to look after a three-week-old baby was not going to go down well. Maybe this is a cultural thing.

Your mum saying she would take the kids away, was never going to go down well.

Your mum 'joking' about the paternity of your kids, was never going to go down well.

Sadly, this has all compacted to create a really horrible situation.

You don't need to sort all this out in one go, these are long historic issues. You just need to focus on doing what you feel you need to do for your wife and desperately, for your parents. I lost my dad 12 years ago and my mum last year and I know that when parents are ill it is very hard.

An affair will not help you. Work on the marriage or work on finding happiness apart, if you think this is what you want.

All the best.

Good advice from CherryMintVanilla.

Ah. I came back to this having posted earlier and it seems as if the whole situation has now become obviously fictional with the poster continuing to post increasingly inflammatory replies. How frustrating.