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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 26/05/2017 22:25

You say "they are snobs but they are not bad people" OP. They sound like utterly awful people.

Parents who spend their lives hurting their DCs (and those their Dcs love) don't deserve family support when they get old and frail. If they're lucky and have family who love and cherish them they might have earned that. The fact is your parents (and you) have treated your DW terribly yet you expect her to acquiesce to what you and they need. You need to remove your head from your parents backsides and put your marriage first. If you don't, you're a poor Husband and Father and I have no truck with anyone who promises to forsake all others but then still puts someone else first.

The sad truth is that your parents are unkind fools who've spent their lives sowing that unkindness. They're simply going to reap their own rewards in their lonely old age. The fact that you're unable to see this for the mess it is proves that you're conditioned into believing this is normal. It really, truly isn't.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 22:26

Queen I have always maintained that she is an excellent mother, I have never doubted that. She hasn't always been an excellent wife but then I've been lacking as a husband also.

OP posts:
ChiefClerkDrumknott · 26/05/2017 22:27

OP, you and your parents are, for example, cunts. I hope your wife gets your children and gets away from you, running far and fast

HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 22:28

I have been with my dp for 16 years I have never once met his mother. I have seen her once from a distance, I waved to her and that was it she had to go.

RogueBiscuit · 26/05/2017 22:39

Vogel, this is a serious question, can you ever imagine treating your child's spouse like this? Can you imagine sending malicious emails or threatening to take children away? Because you would know full well, wouldn't you, that doing so would cause serious problems in your child's marriage.

Your mum IS abusive. She sounds mentally unwell.The measure of abuse isn't whether someone means it or not. There is no way I would have my children around someone like your mum. She does not care for or support your children, her viciousness towards your wife proves that.

Queenofthestress · 26/05/2017 22:40

You've been an horrific husband, not just a 'not excellent one' a bloody horrific one, you have essentially stood by as your wife was abused by your parents, no matter what the excuses you've given or how much you've supposedly supported your wife the black and white facts are - based on your replies - that you haven't at all.
You're ignorant atleast of her feelings towards people that not only have disapproved of her marriage to you but have also abused her in a way that is mortifyingly embarrassing as your family saw those emails too.
Your parents have made more than clear the way they feel about her so I'm not surprised she doesn't want the children she's meant to protect and love anywhere near them! If I was you, I would end the relationship and set her free, because I can't see why she's stayed with you, at all.

DemiTomato · 26/05/2017 22:42

Op are you from an Asian culture?

kittybiscuits · 26/05/2017 22:42

German

Waltermittythesequel · 26/05/2017 22:44

Like any of this is true!

But, in case it is:

  1. Why did your mother feel like she could send you that crap about your wife?
  1. Where exactly did you go for "emotional support?"
BoldKitties · 26/05/2017 22:45

In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again sad if she doesn't change. Oh, and you are threatening that you will 'look elsewhere' ie cheat, if your wife doesn't toe the line Hmm. You dispicable shit.

ChasedByBees · 26/05/2017 22:46

No my DM suggested it to my wife early so she could return afte rmat leave with the financial worry of childcare as we were saving for a house.

Of course. What a kind offer with no strings or ulterior motives. You cannot be that dumb. Why would your wife, a new mother with all the protective instincts that brings, trust your parents who have been vile to her with the most precious thing in the world to her? Have you thought that she wouldn't have wanted to leave her child at that point? She would ache to be near her child, of course she wouldn't take up an offer to go back to work - refusing that is not throwing it in your mothers face!

I wasn't there. It's what my wife claimed was said to her but with the language barrier she has taken many thing out of context before. My DM didn't threaten to kidnap the children!

Did you ever clarify what your mother meant? It sounds hard to misunderstand. While you're saying this can't be true as your mother wouldn't harm your child, if she feels she can do a better job at mothering than your wife, then it seems perfectly plausible. And yet you think an offer to provide childcare and effectively be the primary carer is a kind offer only made to help you. Hmm

I'm with your wife on this 100%. Why don't you go and seek 'emotional support' elsewhere and set your wife free from her unsupportive husband and horrible in laws.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2017 22:47

The question isnt why she isnt speaking to your parents, but why she is still married to you. So in that respect, yes she is irrational and unreasonable, she should have left you and your fucked up family a long time ago.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/05/2017 22:49

Oh and let's not forget her paying off your debts... Hmm

kittybiscuits · 26/05/2017 22:50

If your wife was real we would crowdfund her to leave you.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2017 22:52

Christ, yes. I would donate to that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2017 22:53

Count me in too

Spookle · 26/05/2017 22:55

Your mother sounds like a complete and utter nightmare OP and you sound like you have been brainwashed into accepting and excusing her behavour.

DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary. You say intercepted, was this email sent to you and never meant to be seen by your wife? So in effect you were condoning and hiding the fact that your mother was slagging off your wife?

I think if you continue to push this you are going to end up divorced. In fact I hope your wife is rounding up her ducks right now.

BoldKitties · 26/05/2017 23:00

Yeah, count me in too. If this is in fact genuine I'd happily contribute to get the wife in question away from this cabal of wankers. But it's not real, is it?

MermaidsTears · 26/05/2017 23:01

How old roughly are your dc ?

Ellisandra · 26/05/2017 23:01

throws fiver onto crowd find pile

Your parents are fucking awful.

Please do show this thread to your poor wife! (Especially your emotional support elsewhere disgusting cheating)

slithytove · 26/05/2017 23:04

I'm in for a donation

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 23:04

I would also gladly add to your wife's ltb fund...

It would go towards putting a restraining order in place so her and her dc never have to deal with your horrible manipulative fucked up parents ever again.

Spookle · 26/05/2017 23:04

I was just wondering that too Mermaid.

OP you say She has stopped the DC from visiting them weekly-which has left them devastated. as if it is a recent thing but say you have been no contact for six years.

MsJudgemental · 26/05/2017 23:07

Count me in too.....

CherryMintVanilla · 26/05/2017 23:08

Your wife doesn't have to see them and doesn't have to have them in her home, but there's no reason for you not to visit them. And yes, I did read your excuse for that, that they'd be upset not to see your DCs. But surely they'd be more upset not to see any of you?

In our society there may be consequences for treating family members badly, like going NC.

Stop trying to arrange things exactly how you want them, and start seeing your parents on a regular basis. This "eldest son takes care of parents" thing - is that really true? Or does his wife do most of the caring? Because in your case, your DPs have burnt their bridges there.

Once you've been seeing your DPs regularly and it's become a normal part of your routine, then you could ask about the DCs visiting her. But bear in mind that your DW is probably worried that they will say nasty things about her in front of her children...