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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
metspengler · 27/05/2017 01:11

Your parents are horrible to your wife and so are you.

Are you from the bloody paleolithic? Poor woman.

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 27/05/2017 01:33

Vogel is a German/Jewish name so not Asian whoever suggested that.

I don't think any of us really believe that a man with so little respect or understanding for his wife would really come to Mumsnet of all places for relationship advice. He especially wouldn't trot out every inlaw/relationship problem in the book so naively.

In case you are genuine OP, you are a dick.

Italiangreyhound · 27/05/2017 01:39

My name is Italian but I am not Italian!

AngeloMysterioso · 27/05/2017 01:54

Haven't rtft.

I'm sorry but just because your parents are elderly and ill doesn't mean they get to win the fight. They treated your wife terribly and their current circumstances, however unfortunate, don't change that.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 27/05/2017 05:58

This is 100% true.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 06:04

I'm in for a tenner.

What a twat you sound, OP. Your poor, poor wife.

NaiceBiscuits · 27/05/2017 06:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 27/05/2017 06:33

2years ago.

OP posts:
NellieBuff · 27/05/2017 06:44

I feel so sorry for your wife stuck with you. The one statement that stands out is that you said something along the lines that she has not been an excellent wife - grow up mate and become a man. Believe me when I say you are not only a useless husband but a useless man. You allow her to pay off YOUR debts but allow her to be treated like dirt by your family.
And you are trying to gain her trust but you come on here and slag her off - really!!!!
I hope she goes to Woman's Aid and disappears out of your life with her DC as you are NOT an example of what a father and husband should be.

YOU really need to start growing up. Believe me when I say I understand the situation too well.

NaiceBiscuits · 27/05/2017 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/05/2017 07:04

Some things just can't be un-said. Some stuff cannot be undone.

You may think you're parents didn't mean it, OP - but the threatening to take the dc away and raise them abroad - well, I don't think I could ever get past that. They wouldn't see my dc again if that was me.

You don't sound like you're trying to win your wife's trust back in your OP. You were threatening to 'go elsewhere' again then.

Original poster
VogelVogel · 27/05/2017 07:07

I no longer work away from home.
I told her when she was ready to arrange it I'd let her arrange the counselling in her time and directed by her (it was too soon she told me when we discussed it)
I didn't go away with a friend even though he arranged the trip and covered the expenses (putting me in a very embarrassing situation)
All I do is work now.

I do understand how hard it must've been for her.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:12

VogelVogel

You sound like you think you deserve a medal. You don't. HTH.

GinIsIn · 27/05/2017 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NellieBuff · 27/05/2017 07:22

It's all about you isn't it? Why your wife doesn't understand what a great man she has in a husband etc etc We get it - you are so ill done by etc etc etc.

With any luck when your children grow up they will see through you for what you really are. You may have gathered little sympathy for you from me (and I really really do know what I am talking about)

Booshbeesh · 27/05/2017 07:40

I think it must be really difficult for you also. It seems as though you have gone against everything in your culture/family for a woman you have falling in love with. You've given up your parents, you work hard, yes you've made a few mistakes but dont we all. I think it's time you and your wife sit down and talk. Your parents have obviously upset your wife. And your wife has obviously hurt them by refusing contact with the children. I think your wife would probably appreciate an apology from your parents and then perhaps go from there building bridges.... all these poster attacking you are no better themselves ok so domt worry about the judgement OP.

To give up everything you no for someone must be really difficult. I think you wife needs to understands this and do some forgiving herself. Also if your father is ill then you have every right to take your children to have a relationship with him. There your children to fgs.

BorisTrumpsHair · 27/05/2017 08:00

Aside from anything else your W has going on, if a GP ever made a comment about taking my kids away, I would ensure they never saw them again.

You are a fool if you don't see that OP. Your parents have brought this on themselves.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/05/2017 08:01

Op - if you are real then the fact that many people believe this is made up as they can't believe that anyone would treat their wife so badly and still try to justify it should tell you all you really need to know.

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 08:36

Booshbeesh if everything that Vogel is saying is actually true, then no sincere apology will be forthcoming from his Mother. Leopards and spots. Toxic parents become more toxic as they age, not less.

If you've actually read the whole thread, you should understand that Vogel's Mother has bullied and emotionally abused Vogel's DW for years, AND Vogel still tries to excuse his DM and his own behaviour. If someone had treated you so apallingly for 15 years, would you really want to hear "build bridges"?

If Vogel wants to see and care for his parents then he can. But he cannot and should not expect his wife to see them. She's protecting herself and her children from a highly toxic GM.

Rainbunny · 27/05/2017 08:52

I'm not a troll hunter and in fact I have never made this accusation before on MN but honestly this thread doesn't ring true at all.

Not buying any of this.

NaiceBiscuits · 27/05/2017 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IncidentalAnarchist · 27/05/2017 09:30

If there is a language/culture barrier, I find it highly unlikely that your mother would have written an email to you in your wife's language that she could read and understand.
Therefore I break talk guidelines and call hairy knuckles gavel

Original poster
VogelVogel · 27/05/2017 09:39

If I were a bad man I would divorce her and let the dc see my parents anyway. I'm respecting her wishes and have done for years but my father is ill now and don't think I would be able to forgive myself if he passed away and we were estranged.

OP posts:
Kokusai · 27/05/2017 09:43

It probably would have been kinder not to marry her, all you've done is bring her into a horrible situation with your horrible parents.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 09:50

VogelVogel

So you go to see them.

And I don't think divorcing someone is the worst thing you can do to them. She might thank you later.