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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2017 21:56

Sarasue, I am neither sour, old or a harridan, thanks. However, I will accept, a gobby cow.

RedGrapeCornSnake · 26/05/2017 21:57

OP, what would happen if you told your parents exactly why they cannot see your children?

Would your mum listen? (because it sounds like most, if not all the issues have been caused by her behaviour)
Would she wholeheartedly admit her failings and properly apologise to your wife and start building a relationship with her?

I suspect not, I have a similar MIL - she considers herself the family matriarch, all must follow her way of thinking and never question her. The only reason I am still married is my DH and I relocated literally 1/2 way around the world away from her. She straight up doesn't respect me and was driving a massive wedge in our marriage.

Sorry but you need to man up when it comes to having your wife's back, not just passively like you have been doing, actually confront your mother and fight for your wife.

I'd love to read her side of this tale

MrsLupo · 26/05/2017 21:57

Fascinating to read a thread written from the POV of the spineless DH. We hear this story so often from the DIL's point of view, struggling with the narcissistic behaviour of controlling PILs.

OP, your parents' behaviour is completely unacceptable, they have treated your wife appallingly. Instead of bleating about how grateful she should be that you've stayed with her despite your parents' objections to her, you should be reading the riot act to your parents about their nasty, manipulative behaviour and telling them that unless they drop their hostility to your wife and the mother of your children, you will be forced to reduce or competely stop contact with them. I think you will find that once you completely support your wife in the face of their awfulness, there will be no more 'walking on eggshells', as you so pathetically put it.

Either that, or just end the marriage so your poor wife is free of your nonsense, which must be breaking her heart.

I think you're misunderstanding.

Nope, we're not. It's just that we can see more clearly than you that your parents have spent a lifetime calling the shots in your life, to the point where you can no longer see what's right and what's wrong.

Get some marriage counselling and wake up to the fact that your parents are not nice people.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 22:00

Yes but what was said in the emails? I'm just wondering what the next outrageous thing your mother said will be!

Pollyanna9 · 26/05/2017 22:01

Bloody well said MrsLupo. You should listen to this OP.

BluePeppers · 26/05/2017 22:01

I'm sorry but you are still not seen the problem.
Maybe because this si yur culture and it looks normal to you. Maybe because the whole family around you finds it normal.

The reality is that comment such as
They've called her a gold digger but she put them straight when she told them she paid a significant amount of debt I had accrued off. So they relented.
are just not acceptable.
Do you realise that? They have RELENTED as they had to accept she isn't a gold digger but did so relunctantly.

The story between your dw and your parents seem to be full of that. Tbh, I think you dw is a saint to have out with all that until now.

What I do get is that you have tried your best to keep everyone happy. You've stopped seen your parents for your dw. You are working hard.
BUT the reality is that you are feeling hugely guilty of not living up to your cultural standards (of looking after your elderly parents etc...). Plus youR parents still put i a lot of pressure on you to see the dcs and for things to be like they 'should' be. you'll have to explain how you can have sort of conversation with them when you have stopped seeing your parents though
That's not your DW fault though and it's not her being erratic in her behaviour....

Your dw gave you a good and reasonable solution. Go and see your parents but wo the dcs. But you dint want to because it mean standing up to your parents and you feel guilty and you are supposed to do x and y.
That is not yourvDW fault. It's yours not to be able to stand up to your parents and have your dw back. It's yur parents fo refusing to accept that things can be done in a different way and that they need to be more, much more, respectful towards your dw.

VimFuego101 · 26/05/2017 22:01

Exactly what MrsLupo said. I'm with your wife all the way hope she's on MN and reads this

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/05/2017 22:02

You're not listening to anyone OP, so why bother posting the thread?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 26/05/2017 22:02

Are you fucking serious? Because if you are you need to slap yourself. I'm going to assume you're having a laugh

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/05/2017 22:02

How many times does your wife have to forgive or overlook your parents behaviour? You are conditioned to see their behaviour as normal or excusable because you are used to it.
Looking at some of your examples:-
House deposit - I strongly suspect that your parents would have taken a proprietorial interest in the house if they had paid the deposit. It would have been thrown back in your wife's face constantly. e.g. we can pop in when we want because we helped but the house!

Childcare - why would a Mother give the most precious thing she has into the care of a hothead who hates her?

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 22:04

Stitch. I have already said that I do not accept what she claimed in her emails to family (they were sent on the same day but the first detailed email had the worst claims in it)
She was not complimentary about DWs family.

She claimed my DW did nothing for the family and refused to work and that when the DC visited her they didn't want to leave her home and had to be forced from her arms.

It wasn't true and she was very apologetic and embarrassed about sending them.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/05/2017 22:04

But not but

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/05/2017 22:05

I hate autocorrect buy not but

Original poster
VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 22:05

I am listening

You are seeing a snapshot of only the bad things

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 22:09

The bad things are quite severe though OP. Your wife doesn't have the history of a childhood with them, or the love you can feel for a parent no matter how they treat you to fall back on and think of when things are bad. Her only relationship with them has been one where they have insulted, belittled and threatened her. There are no 'good things' that could make up for that.

BluePeppers · 26/05/2017 22:10

How many times has your dw had to forgive an appalling behaviour from your parents??

I'd like to know. Because form your little snapshot it has happened a heel of LOT and each and every single one of those would, have been a reason good enough to cut ties completely with your family (I have noticed that you haven't fully cut ties with your family or with your parents as they are still seeing the dcs as the could then claim that the dcs needed to pry from their arms etc, you are still seeing them etc...)

I'll repeat again. Yur dw is a saint to have put with that behaviour for so long and with you not supporting her.

BluePeppers · 26/05/2017 22:10

And it doesn't matter if your mum is apologetic afterwards. She is controlling and hurtful. Would yu accept such behaviour from anyone else??

BoldKitties · 26/05/2017 22:12

This has to be a stupid attempt at trolling. Seriously, VogelVogel, your parents have threatened to kidnap your wife's child and take them to another country. They have questioned your child's paternity? Called your wife a golddigger?

Your wife ought to grab the children and run. Your parents are manipulative, controlling pricks. You are a controlling prick. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as any of you. Odious fuckers, all of you.

RebootYourEngine · 26/05/2017 22:15

How can you expect your wife to forgive and forget negative comment after negative comment.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/05/2017 22:16

Ok - we are seeing a snapshot of the terrible awful things your mother has done.

Please tell us all the loving and nice things (in snapshot form) thtat your mother has done for your wife. (Please however do not include offering childcare when a baby is 3 weeks so she can work or supplying a deposit for a house so she can control the house. There were not nice things to doin the manner in which they were done).

notmyproblem · 26/05/2017 22:17

Show this thread to your wife, OP. Hopefully she will see the light and run like hell away from you and your family at last.

ElphabaStrop · 26/05/2017 22:17

OP you need to read and absorb everything that MrsLupo has said. You use a lot of the same language as my parent who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. From what you've written and the terms you use, it sounds as if your Mother is similar to mine, but that you are brainwashed to think that her behaviour is ok. It is NOT. It's emotional and verbal abuse.

See your parents alone if you wish but they have bullied and been abusive to your wife so you are being extremely unreasonable in expecting her to see them or have anything to do with them.

I suspect your wife wants to protect your children from being brainwashed and abused by your Mother. I don't blame her. You need to wake up and decide who comes first in your life - you and your Mother? Or your wife and children.

ElphabaStrop · 26/05/2017 22:20

Oh and "she was very apologetic and embarrassed about sending them."

No - she was embarrassed at being caught out.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 26/05/2017 22:23

Your wife is being unreasonable. I can't for the life of me see why she would want to protect her children from being taken away from her , or why she can't be friendly with a woman that slags her and her family off.

There you go Op , does this make you feel better?

Queenofthestress · 26/05/2017 22:24

I'm honestly sat here thinking why the hell hasn't your DW took the kids and ran far far away from you and your family!