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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DW's behaving irrationally and unfairly?

365 replies

VogelVogel · 26/05/2017 20:43

From time to time we have disagreement and she storms off. She says she doesn't like confrontation as her parents fought during her childhood so she uses these avoidance tactics and is hypersensitive to the smallest of criticisms.

We have been NC with my parents who live locally to us-I will admit they have not treated my wife well in the past. A big clash of cultures and understanding was to blame in many instances but unlike me DW finds it incredibly hard to forgive and forget and even the smallest thing would get blown out of all proportion. My parents have made no secret of the fact that they didn't accept DW and neither attended our wedding and she will not back down and claims to have been "conditioned" by all of us. fact.

My parents are very socially awkward, speak their minds and they are snobs but they are not bad people.

We've had nothing to do with my parents for the last 6 years now after DW intercepted an email written about her which wasn't very complimentary.

I was most upset to see that my father is suffering from ill health now and putting my mother under much stress. They both turned up at the house unannounced and we were not in during my son's birthday last month -all they wanted to do was to see my son. My wife found this out from by brother (who was indiscreet and joked with DW that our mother probably was after a carer for my dad) and my wife went mad. She went on a epic rant about calling the police if they were to dare turn up again -and she didn't speak to me for a week.

I feel now that my parents are frail and elderly they need a supportive family around them. They're not perfect but they're the only parents I have-they mean well and don't have the most sophisticated sense of humour but they're not malicious.

AIBU to tell her I'm going to take the DC and start up regular contact with them again?

I'm not sure I could cope with any more moods. In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again Sad if she doesn't change.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/05/2017 12:38

Perhaps read the rest Spice. Then you''ll see why him taking the kids isnt a good thing.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/05/2017 12:43

"I read the first page but can't be bothered to read the rest."

Strong opinion to have about something you haven't read.

HorridHenryrule · 27/05/2017 12:43

Do you regret introducing your dw to your mother and father now. What seems okay to you may not be to the rest of the world. You could end up losing your marriage over it. If you want to visit your dad then do that but to suddenly introduce your dying dad to your children sounds wrong. No one has done it to me or to my children my dp mother is also dying, thats how they are going to remember him.

Are you trying to traumatise your children.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel · 27/05/2017 12:49

In the past I've looked elsewhere for emotional support and can see that happening again sad if she doesn't change.

I hope to fuck you didn't seek this 'emotional support' from another woman...
Either way that sounds pretty pathetic given that it's your wife that's the victim here, not you.

The only compromise I can see is that you get to see your parent so as and when you want but DW and DC don't.

If your parents are clearly arseholes and disrespect DW then no doubt they will not hold back in front of the DC.

Grow a fucking back bone and support your wife. It's not her fault that your parents are dickheads.

I feel sorry for her.

jeaux90 · 27/05/2017 13:00

Your wife is right. You have been conditioned by your parents to accept their behaviour. By all means go and see them but don't take your kids and expose them to the same abuse. Your wife is right.

And you, you need to get some counselling because it's clear you still see their behaviour as normal. It's isn't. It really isn't. What your mum does isn't a joke, it's not said in jest, it's intended and it's abusive

And I think you and your wife should divorce if you don't accept the above to be true. She deserves someone better.

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 13:04

FFS at pps not reading the thread then weighing in with an opinion which disagrees with 99% of people who HAVE RTFT.

Looking at Spice 🤐

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2017 13:23

Spice - are you on spice?

Spice22 · 27/05/2017 13:26

I read that post that summarised everything before expressing my opinion. Have since caught up and still believe this FATHER can take HIS children to visit his parents. She can't stop him. He can compromise by not leaving them overnight

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2017 13:27

If not, maybe you should try it?

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 13:31

Even if Vogel's wife may not LEGALLY stop him taking his DCs to visit his parents, to override his wife would be morally reprehensive. These are toxic grandparents who have bullied and verbally abused their DIL.

The OP's priority should be his children, then his wife. Instead he seems concerned about his parents then himself.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/05/2017 13:34

Spice, would you want your kids anywhere near someone who threatens to kidnap and take them abroad? I bloody wouldnt and I'd scream until I was blue in the face to make sure they didnt have to be.

Spice22 · 27/05/2017 13:42

Elpha but it's ok for her to override her husband ? They don't like his wife but they love the grandkids. Just because someone doesn't like you or treat u well doesn't mean they don't like their grandkids. Two seperate relationships and it's spiteful to stop the grandparents seeing their grandchildren because you don't like them.

Tali, the OP says they are joking. Going by that (because none of us know otherwise), yes I would. Also I suggested that OP take the kids but stay with them - don't let them stay overnight alone. Compromise.

kittybiscuits · 27/05/2017 13:45

It's more than okay. It's necessary.

HorridHenryrule · 27/05/2017 13:49

I think spice makes a good point relationships are about compromise not control.

HorridHenryrule · 27/05/2017 13:51

Would her children forgive her for stopping daddy taking them to see grandma and grandfather.

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 13:56

Would you be saying this if the GPs had been violent in the past, instead of "just" emotionally abusive?

Most people will do anything to protect their children from abuse. People don't suddenly become nice just because they get old.

Whisky2014 · 27/05/2017 14:01

You can support your parents but that doesn't mean they need to come to your house. You can visit them and take your kids for visits, just don't include your wife.
Stop havung affairs, be supportive to four wife and you may see a change in her.
You sound as bad as your parents though... having an affair. Marriage is tough but doesn't mean you look elsewhere whilst going through these hard times. You say your parents are not malicious...so why did they send an email to you slagging her off?

Whisky2014 · 27/05/2017 14:05

Actually, your parents sound horrific and you should not take them to visit horrible granny and grandad.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/05/2017 14:05

I think spice makes a good point relationships are about compromise not control.

Maybe the OP and his parents didnt get that memo. After all, he's threatened to have an affair if she doesnt do what she told.

CrazedZombie · 27/05/2017 14:45

OP's wife has put up with at least 9 years of abuse. I think that you'd have to be crazy to say that she hasn't tried and should put up with more abuse. Lots of people would have gone NC years before OP's wife threw in the towel.

Quartz2208 · 27/05/2017 15:49

You have said you will let her book counselling when she is ready. It's an interesting choice of words.

Do you think you emotionally support your wife, because some of what you say comes across as emotionally abusive and I think she has checked out. The reason she has not left is because she fears the response from your family

Spice read spooke post. Would you really want your children visiting an environment like that

MamaHanji · 27/05/2017 16:02

Wow just wow. I love how hard oh have tried to downplay your parents behaviour. 'Less than complimentary'. You mean fucking nasty.

Don't talk about clash of culture and lack of understanding. Your parents were nasty and as has been discussed on many previous threads...being ill/getting old, doesn't turn you into a nice person or remove the wrongs you have done.

So yes. YABU and bloody stupid to blame your wife for your affairs because you disagreed with her perfectly reasonable behaviour.

And why on earth would your wife take up the offer of childcare so she could return to work as soon as possible?! From people that have never respected her and refused to attend your wedding because of her. Wow how unfair of her.

Sort yourself out.

Luncharmstrong · 27/05/2017 16:20

Please reconnect with your parents before it's too late.
Take your children with you.
Don't insist your wife goes.
Yes I have read the whole thread.

StrangeLookingParasite · 27/05/2017 16:59

Vogel is a German/Jewish name so not Asian whoever suggested that.

Just because his username is German (bird), means absolutely nothing. He has already said they are not European, and from reading his posts, I still think Indian subcontinent somewhere.
And if I was your wife I would have left.

ElphabaStrop · 27/05/2017 17:01

Luncharmstrong my DH would NEVER take our dd to see his family without my blessing or consent. Never. Given the way Vogel's parents have treated his wife for many years, he would be way out of line taking the children to see his parents without asking his wife. That would be an absolute deal breaker.