Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Just seen this on another thread. It perfectly expresses what I was trying to say in my earlier post.

I think we need clarification here. Does she do absolutely NO housework during the week? Like, literally nothing?

There will always be a couple of every day jobs that need doing over the weekend. Imo it's not unreasonable to expect that you both do your bit with these chores over the weekend, work or no work.

I just find it hard to believe that she does zero housework during the week and leaves it all to build up through the week only for it to be done by you both at the weekend.

On the face of it YANBU but a few things need clarifying/expanding on.

And I agree that you need to have a proper sit down discussion with your wife. No shouting/arguing, you both need to sit and listen to each other's points otherwise you won't get anywhere.

From what you've posted, it sounds as though she's taking the piss. But I would want to hear her side of things because WOHPs can often be very bad at realising how much SAHPs do and unreasonable in their expectations.

Also because it's AIBU, which is almost a completely pointless concept in itself. Here is my highly partisan, biased, personal view of an emotive situation. The other person isn't here to give their side of things. What do you all think?

So who does the cleaning, ironing, cooking, running the kids around to clubs, shopping, admin during the week Josh?

The Op clearly states that household chores are split 50/50 at weekends. The ones that aren't don't require 6 hrs per day, 5 days a week to accomplish so she is getting vastly more downtime than he is.

Unless you work down a mine then yes, she has been working harder than you and she has earned a break.

Bollocks - how on earth are you justifying that?

I still find it amazing that one spouse works their ass off outside the home while the other one gets to have 'hobbies and interests' and sees the children after school.

*Unless you work down a mine then yes, she has been working harder than you and she has earned a break.

Bollocks - how on earth are you justifying that?*

Well gym, getting your hair and nails done and lunching with friends is soooo exhausting, didn't you know?

Hmm. I'm having a break from working. I normally work 30 hours a week. Dc are at school. Today I have spent 5 mins emptying dishwasher. About 10 minutes putting washing out on line. Then I had a leisurely stroll round the shops to get tonight's tea, stopping to get myself some clothes along the way. It in no way compares to working imv. It's different when they're smaller though I think. Toddlers/babies are a lot more work than going out to work. But when they're older - it's a breeze. I've spent many hours today just mooching about.

Dh has agreed to me having some time off. But I will have to go back to work at some point. Otherwise, it's just not fair. We can live on his current salary. But he may never retire if I don't contribute.

So whilst I wouldn't quibble over who brings the bins in. I do think she's out of order refusing to work myself. I don't blame her though. I don't want to go back to work either.

How many hours does she look after the children, do house work, admin, etc? If it is over 30 hours a week more than you then YABU. Being a SAHM isn't just 9-5. Calculate honestly how much you both do, then you will know whoIBU

Josh some reading that may help you to understand -
Wifework

She sounds lazy & entitled.

Taking the piss big time

YABU. You are out the house for a FT job 5 days a week plus a "commute". Out of the 10 hours a day you are out you have 3 hours lunch / thinking time and 7 of work. Out of the same 10 hours your DP spends 4 with the DC and a further 1 commuting drop off / pick up.

You may have a point if the remaining 2 hours they have are not in fact taken up by school holidays in excess of work holidays.

If anything SAHP is probably putting in more hours doing HH chores during the week unless these are all done with DC in tow, which seems unlikely.

I agree more clarification is needed. ALL household chores split 50/50 at the w/e is completely different to chores that still require doing at the w/e as standard (cooking, baths and bed, washing up etc) being split 50/50, which is how i interpreted the op.

Interesting you came to MN for this conversation.

How's your career progressed over the past nine years? Would she walk back in to a term time job for pick ups that actually paid her and brought up to former level? Why don't you take a few years off and be the lackey if its song great. Good luck with the term time job that pays you andnis flexible.

Sounds like she is being an unreasonable, lazy cow to me. If she doesn't work AT ALL, there shouldn't be any need for domestic chores in the evenings or weekends, apart from cooking and washing up. And for those saying "yes but domestic admin"- rubbish. Couples who both work full time do this in about half an hour a month.
Give her three months' notice- you're stopping funding the joint account with any more than is needed to cover mortgage, bills and food. She needs to pay for her own life of riley, and if she can't afford to she needs to get a job like everyone else.

She only 'just' sees friends and goes to the gym during school hours?

How close is school to the home? Walk or car. Once back at home she never puts on washing? tidies breakfast dishes? Sees to pets? Spends time doing household organisation- so calling plumber/painter/online shop/sourcing items needed/getting quotes/organising dentists & doctor & hair appoints for your kids/organising school stuff for them-extra tuition/out of school activities/pta/baking for school fairs? Who gets up in the night with kids? Who does after school children care? Who takes them to activities and play dates? Who takes on the mental load of worrying about their development and figuring out the most effective parenting approach? Who gets dinners on the table & does homework with the kids? Who makes sure their teeth are brushed? Do you know your kids best friend or what scares them most or how they score on phonics testing? Who makes sure they have the next size up clothes in? That the mot is done? Who does all the holiday childcare? Who makes sure the kids christmas presents are bought and wrapped?

I'm a sah carer to kids with disabilities. My dh considers this a full time job and does more of the housework and takes on more mental load of household. He willingly acknowledges my job is much harder and more important than his. My kids are only part time in school but even if full time this would still be the case. And he is happy for me to have more downtime than him because I need to relax to beable to manage three very challenging kids the rest of the time. Their wellbeing is entirely dependant on my wellbeing. And ofcourse there were several years of me doing 24/7 bf with zero freedom so some time back now is to rebalance everything I gave up for our children. The times I have been able to go back to my career very part time have been luxury in comparison to being the primary care taker to our kids. Thankfully my dh appreciates that. So if your dw does this plus all the above mental load while they are in school you are lucky. The emotional load of being primary carer is huge.

MumIsRunningAMarathon - I was wondering that too

Agree, more clarification is needed. What time do you get home from work? Presumably your wife picks up the DC, cooks dinner, helps with homework etc in the afternoons when you are at work?

What exactly do you want from her? Do you want her to go back to work or just do more housework etc?

I think being a SAHP only works if both parties are happy with the situation. Are you willing to split childcare costs if she went back to work?

YANBU, she sounds lazy AF.

Looking after kids and doing chores and "working" all day = OK.

Going to the gym, painting classes,meeting friends for brunch, getting nails done and contributing no income = gold-digging sponge.

If she doesn't change, I guess you either put up with it or leave. Or close the joint account and make it your money.

I also wonder if the op's volunteers at the school etc.

Once back at home she never puts on washing? tidies breakfast dishes? Sees to pets? Spends time doing household organisation- so calling plumber/painter/online shop/sourcing items needed/getting quotes/organising dentists & doctor & hair appoints for your kids/organising school stuff for them-extra tuition/out of school activities/pta/baking for school fairs? Who gets up in the night with kids? Who does after school children care? Who takes them to activities and play dates? Who takes on the mental load of worrying about their development and figuring out the most effective parenting approach? Who gets dinners on the table & does homework with the kids? Who makes sure their teeth are brushed? Do you know your kids best friend or what scares them most or how they score on phonics testing? Who makes sure they have the next size up clothes in? That the mot is done? Who does all the holiday childcare? Who makes sure the kids christmas presents are bought and wrapped?

My mum did all this while working 40 hours a week and doing PhD. So what?

And for those saying "yes but domestic admin"- rubbish. Couples who both work full time do this in about half an hour a month.

Exactly.

Just out of interest what is all this admin people do? I was a SAHM to 5 for 17 years and I don't understand this admin people do that takes up more the five minutes at a time.

YANBU. Could it be that she is not very willing to go back to work? When people don't very much love the work they used to do, it can happen. In that case, she should take full care of the household work so you take the financial burden and she holds the home front together. But I don't think it is fair that you do half the work and full financial support with commuting. You need to put these two scenarios o her and see what she says.

I think the fact the wife has said she has earned the break since brining the kids up pre school indicates the situation is actually what he describes, he's doing fifty percent of the chores and working full time and she goes and has time to herself whilst the kids are in school.

This is fine when both partners are in agreement but I don't think many spouses would be. If my husband did this I'd be royally fucked off.

The complexity here is the wife won't listen to him and feels she's entitled ot the time off on his dime. Leaving him with either keep going or leave her.

I strongly suspect there is a lot of men who feel the way the op does, just not so brave to post it on mumsnet. Wondering what the fuck their wives do all day whilst they work and the kids are at school.. you only have to look at the threads on here to understand a large percentage of working women don't know what they do all day either.

Op you've very little choice. You either accept it or leave her, as she won't discuss it and is adamant she deserves the time to herself.