Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

If this was s woman posting about a man there would be calls of 'cocklodger'

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports. As far as we can see, this OP is genuine - so can we ask folks to knock the troll hunting on the head, please?

Why the hostility to the OP?

OP, YANBU. It isn't a fair division of labour.

I can understand why you are frustrated OP.

All I will say is thank fuck my DH isn't like you OP

I know - imagine expecting someone to get off their backside and contribute. The cheek!

Katherine....any repercussions for the sexist trollhunters?

I work from home (childminder). I cook most meals and pay the cleaner because I really don't want to do it. DH does washing up gardening and some housework, we share shopping ect.
If I was at home and not childminding 3 under 5's I'd expect to do significantly more around the house than DH as he'd be paying the bills, but as i hate housework I'd probably get a part time job to pay the cleaner and pay for my personal shopping and hobbies anyway.
I really don't think you are being unreasonable. In a partnership you do your share, be that working in the home or outside off it. If one person is having 6 hours of me time a day whilst the other works and then expects the other to come home and do a 50/50 split on housework it doesn't seem equal on the face of it.

Yanbu. As others have said, if it were a man doing nothing but pleasing himself whilst his wife worked full time, she's be told to LTB.

My DP's ex was like that. Wouldn't go back to work as she had to be 'there for the children'. Didn't go back to work until the children were 10 & 8 and now blames DP for the fact that her career isn't where she wants it to be as she put it 'on hold for him and the children' even though he actively encouraged her to go back to work. Luckily a month after they spilt she managed to move a new man in who continued to support her not working. It's only when she wanted a bigger house she felt she could go back.....

I'm a SAHM with all three kids at school.

I do pretty much everything. However, I don't drive and the nearest shop is three miles away, so while I will sometimes walk down there for milk etc it's much easier for DH to nip in and get it on the way home.

Just as it's easier for him to grab the bin on his way in.

I'd be interested to hear your wife's take on it.

Tbf though I know I am very lucky to be in the position I'm in, so I do everything I can to make his life hassle free.

Navy op clearly said they share chores etc at the weekend

Laughing at all the people who are saying don't fund her lifestyle. If it was the SAHM coming on saying my DH pays all the bills but I have no money of my own to even get a haircut they'd be shouts of financial abuse! Protect your assets - my arse - they are family assets - he agreed that she could give up work to care for children and therefore forego furthering her career. She will not go back in at the same level or at all in some professions.

If this is real and he really does feel he needs her to contribute financially to the family income then instead of coming on here he should have a proper talk about why that needs to happen.

It's interesting to see how hostile people are. Is it because people don't believe that this scenario could possibly happen OR it describes your life and you're on the defensive?

OP YANBU. She's taking the piss and if she was a he and you were a she, you'd have an entirely different response from others.

And I bet it's nice having a hot, gym bunny wife with immaculate hair all the time.

Unless you work down a mine then yes, she has been working harder than you and she has earned a break.

She's utterly taking the piss. I've been a SAHM for the same amount of time as your DW. I'm now a PT student (course finishes when DS2 finishes primary, at which point I hope to get a job). I do all the household tasks during the week so our weekends are free. We eat home cooked food, our DC don't have to go to before/after school care as I am around. DH works long hours and I consider the home/DC my 'job' from Mon-Fri, so I take care of everything during that time, inc. bins, gardening, car servicing, etc. Surely the whole point of having one DP SAH is so that everything runs smoothly and weekends are then relaxed family times devoid of tedious chores?

Lol iwas that's hilarious 'reasoning'

she's earned a break
Imagine if a man wrote he did this.
She needs to get a job

Bollocks has she been working harder! The kids are at school and unless they live in Buck House there aren't six hours worth of housework to be done.

She sounds selfish and lazy.

LTB

I don't know if yabu or not.

If what you mean is that the stuff that needs to be done at the weekend is divvied up equally yabu. If otoh you mean that she does nothing during the week and leaves all the chores to the weekend yanbu.

I think there is a lot of 'organisation' that goes into running a house/ sorting kids out that is invisible and very often men only see the practical 'run hoover round' 'empty dish washer' etc etc.

That said I think that if you aren't happy with her being a SAHP now she needs to get a job and you need to take on half of the drop offs etc.

YANBU as shes a SAHM she should be doing all the general household chores, not expecting you to do them at the weekends. She sounds really lazy.

what is the biggest issue? the fact she refuses to work or the fact that you consider she's not being fair when it comes to household chores?

I would personally tackled one at a time. Make it clear what you think would be a fair division of household labour given that she's at home all week. If she won't listen or listens but doesn't make changes than you will need to decide what you want out of your marriage. Just be careful you don't threaten something you're not prepared to carry through.

Work is more complex. The world has changed at a very fast pace. Getting back into most careers after such a long break is likely to prove difficult. Firstly, is her career something that has a 'back to work' course/sessions she can do? I think both teaching and nursing offer this kind of thing, for example. Secondly, can she be encouraged to update IT skills as this is likely something she will need? What about appointments with careers advisors or a suggestion she looks at allied professions, training or starting a business along the lines of something she is interested in. Can you do some research and show her jobs you think she might be interested in?

It can be hard to return to work - she might fear failing. Is there anything that can be put in place to help with that?

Can you put a positive spin on what you could do/have if she earned at least part-time? Better cars, holidays, clothes? Would this bother her?

Ultimately, you need to work what's a deal breaker. I have seen marriages fail for less.

Jesus, why is everyone so hostile?