Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Joking!

She should definitely be doing the chores during the week so you can have relaxed family time together at a weekend.

Perhaps you could suggest that you both work part time?

YANBU she's had two years to herself with all children in school. I would have cracked up with boredom she is behaving lazy and unsupportive.

I certainly wouldn't like a relationship like yours.

However, 9 years is a long time to be out of the game and she might not have the confidence to get back in.

Crazy, I know, but have you tried discussing this with her at all?

She does no cleaning in the week?

She could be a gym instructor.

I would think posters are being 'hostile' because there's nowhere to go with an OP who is so wedded to their own opinion. Read the OP - there is no doubt in their mind that they are entitled to be resentful and bitter; there's no attempt to find out what his wife could be doing during the day or how busy/stressed her life was when the DCs were at home; there's also no awareness or discussion of how they would manage if his DW went back to work - what would happen with childcare? who would collect the DCs if they were sent home sick? who would look after them during the holidays? If they couldn't afford the childcare when they were little, how does he think they'll afford it now?
It's easy to knock someone but where are the OP's solutions? I'm not seeing any which makes me think they have no idea of how much organising it would take to change their lifestyle to stop the OP feeling resentful.
Oh, and I worked from home when my DCs were babies and went back into the office when they went to nursery so I'm not coming from a place of having to justify my lifestyle.

I don't think you (or we) have enough info to be able to decide if YABU. You need to understand what your wife is doing during school hours.
If she is literally doing nothing for the house/children/you between the hours of 10-3 Monday to Friday then no YANBU.
If she is organising stuff/ringing the plumber/making fancy dress outfit for child/baking cake for school bake sale etc etc, then you need to be more understanding.
That said, you shouldn't be doing 50:50 household jobs. Perhaps your wife could be more efficient with her time to ensure that food shopping etc is done during the day before you come home from work.

Impossible for anyone on here - or you - to really make a judgement on this. You need to sit down with your wife and find out (non accusingly!) what she actually does during her 25 hours a week 'free' time.

IMO if you are a SAHM then part of your 'job' is to take care of the home, especially when the children are in school. I wouldn't expect to have to do the food shopping for instances unless it was to pick up something in an emergency.

Unfortunately she has got used to doing very little OP and it isn't going to be easy to get her to change now. She's not going to give up her golden gig easily.

Ive always fancied that version of SAHM! Sounds amazing (although I'd like a cleaner too personally).

I agree, she is taking the piss out of you.

Don't be daft Allthebestnamesareused women come on here all the time instead of talking to their partner. What's the difference?

I'm amazed that anyone thinks its perfectly fine for one person to work full time while the other person sits on their arse and expects the working person to come home and do more work. If you don't contribute financially, then you should contribute by actually doing the job you purport to be doing; ie SAHP.

I would leave her if she doesn't change her attitude. Either she gets a job or she does ALL chores. Can't stand leeches. If you divorce her there's a good chance she will get half or more of the matrimonial assets and primary residence of the children. You will still have to pay child support. Life will be hard for a few years and seeing her scanning about the matrimonial home with you paying for everything will be a hard bitter pill to swallow. If I were you I would still rather have that then coming home to a leech every day. You would be single and have the freedom to find a woman with a bit more backbone and ambition.

Clearly you need to sit down and have a proper discussion. I think you need to listen as well.

You haven't said what hours you are out of the house, and whether you get involved with breakfast/tea. Perhaps if you haven't done it you don't realise what a stress it is first thing getting everyone up and out, and similar at the other end of the day.

Who does finances, admin, that sort of thing? That is an invisible task that can take up hours. My DH doesn't count it as "work" but would very much notice if I stopped doing it. (I WOH as well)

Having said all that, realistically if both children are out of the house between 9 and 3 she should really be spending at least some of that time doing housework/shopping so that you aren't having to do it at weekends. Only you pair know what isn't being done so we can't really advise you. Is she doing laundry/ironing etc that you aren't counting?

I think stuff should get divided 50/50 when both parents are there Working doesn't mean you get to opt of all responsibility at the weekends whilst your wife does every last bit of childcare, cleaning and cooking every day.

I work 6 hrs a wk and study so that takes up some of my childfree time. I do take on the majority of housework. I still expect my dh to pitch in, in the evenings and at w/e's though. He washes up every night, puts the youngest to bed, and he goes to the shop on the way home from work, and he brings the bin in.....are you MY husband?

Depends what you want from her really. If you want her to go back to her career and are willing to help pay for childcare and do your share of taking time off work for sick days etc and let your career take a bit of a hit if necessary, then YANBU.

But alot of men who want their SAHP partners to go back to work the second their kids start school seem to want them to find jobs that fit around school hours and still be available to run around after the kids, take sick days etc when needed. They don't want their own lives or careers to have to change, they just don't want their wives being at home when the kids aren't.

Honestly? If she's refusing to get a job then I'd be considering how much money she has access to.

Someone will scream "financial abuse" at me I'm sure but as far as I can see she's financially abusing you the opposite way around.

And if it were me (I'm a full time working mum btw) I'd be telling her to fuck right off

I can see both sides. If your not happy then you really need to have it out with her.

Wanted to ask the OP a bit more about the weekend chores. What do these involve? Does he ever sort out the kid's tea during the week? What about helping out with all their activities/sports kit/homework etc? As other posters have said, some of these tasks are 'invisible' but then I can also understand the resentment if literally all she does is shop/lunch/go to the gym.

I agree with the poster who mentioned invisible chores that sometimes partners don't see; stripping beds and washing and replacing bedclothes for parents and all the kids, laundry of clothes, school uniform, sports kits, ironing, putting away before they even realise its gone from the laundry basket, washed and ironed; cleaning ovens, making dinners that aren't just shoved from a packet into an oven, cleaning floors, mopping floors, wiping down cupboards and skirting boards, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher , reloading it again; dealing with pets, appointment for kids.

Sometimes a sahp may just ask "can you put the bins out" after doing all of the other stuff mentioned above? I know I do and I know my DH will because at the end of the day we are a partnership.

I still stand by if you are no longer happy with the arrangement then you need to sit down and speak about why.

Let's consider what's fair - do you both get equal down time/hobby time?
If not then that's not fair and either she should work at least part time OR free you up from some of the weekend chores.
I suspect cuntlodger

I am a sham I do all of the housework, shopping and school stuff and I still think it's easier than working full time.

I wouldn't dream of leaving everything to be done on the weekends with oh as I have 3 hours per day when 3yodd is in nursery to get everything done. The only thing my oh does is vacuums the stairs because I'm 34 weeks pregnant and can't manage.

You wife is taking the piss big time and if it was the other way round I'm sure 99% of people would be saying LTB.

I don't understand why some PP are giving you such a hard time. I always thought that the fairest way was for both partners to have equal leisure time. So during the day - gym and socialising count as leisure. Why is it so bad to expect some leisure in the evening yourself? OK when things are full-on - bedtime etc - then it's all hands to the deck. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the SAHP to top up on essential groceries, sort out a reasonable amount of laundry/housework etc, think of something for the evening meal - mostly, not always.

Your wife has 6 child-free hours a day during the week - not like when the child(ren) were at home. Does she really think that she should have it as leisure time for ever (whilst you work to fund this) and then you both do equal housework in the evenings and weekends? That sounds very entitled to me, but then I worked part-time before the kids started school and full-time as soon as the youngest started school.

I have to say, this resonates though

My dh is great but he is just not used to being focused on the kids so when he is at home he will do a task and focus 100% on that while I am being constantly mummed and sorting out snacks and nappies etc etc!

@ballerinabelle I would be doing the same. I don't think she should have been given equal access to all monies during the stay at home time in the first place. Sufficient for house keeping, kids expenses and spends but not equal access at her discretion. I would certainly revoke that now. Women like her piss me right off. Seeking to infantilise themselves and not be productive. Perpetuate the myth that women are not serious in their careers becuase they will slack off their job once they get a walking wallet to pay the bills

Torn on this one.

My youngest DC is 11. The only child still at home. I'm disabled and cannot work but I do all the laundry (dp does the ironing on Sunday mornings) and all the food shopping and 90% of the cooking. I also pay all the bills, organise paperwork, do any running about that needs doing (collecting prescriptions etc), hoover the house, sort out cat trays and food, daily, make the lunches for dp and dd.

In the grand scheme of things I do everything except the ironing and dp literally goes to work and comes home. He helps at weekends but during the week I do pretty much everything unless I'm in agony.

Yes it would be good to have another income but I am here and make sure that he doesn't need to worry about anything to do with the house. It works for us.