Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Hilarious. I wish I'd never opened this thread now lol. As if I don't have better things to do.

I noticed on playdates/parties/when I started school. They were spoilt and clingy.

Did the wife see this post and murder him? Op never came back or did I miss it?

Just finished reading this thread, which has been interesting, though I'm sorry that some people have been upset.
I want to say that Rufus sounds lovely - and hope you all enjoyed the film.

I'm sure the op is having a whale of a time reading the responses however.

I doubt the OP is reading anything.

We decided I should be the sahp and dh the wohp, because his salary was 4x mine at the time, and the gap would continue to widen. Wasn't rocket science or gender related.

Navy, I have a good memory, so yes.

I remember lots of times they didn't want to share and threw strops at school and cried on the first day of each term. Your point being? Why do you have a problem with me?

Hi Yolo.

A) Why doesn't he change jobs?

Because the kind of jobs that support a certain lifestyle - are not two-a-penny. Maybe he employs thousands of people or find his own company? If you find yourself in a position to make life changing amounts of money for your family, it's not usually an opportunity you give up lightly.

B) Why is it normal for one parent to see the kids 24/7 and one to see them evenings and weekends?

See above.

C) Why are women in particular always so quick to give up their career, because men couldn't possibly give up their jobs or go PT?

Biological factors - women find it harder to separate themselves from their children? I can only speak for myself obviously, but that was how I felt.
It makes economic sense if your husband is a far higher earner than you with far higher earning potential as well. Why would you both work when the overall family income would actually be less? How is that in the interests of the DC?

Whew! What a long thread.

Just wondering what it is that the OP does at work all day?

Yolo - the only time sharing the childcare and work ooh loads is going to work is when the salaries and earning potential of both parents are equal.
Once again, your ideas are very idealistic and don't really work in practise.

But doesn't it sort of perpetuate a cycle....mother quits work or goes PT, company pays her less or doesn't want to hire women because they think she will leave and won't be a good investment, women then forced to SAH because their salary is lower or they can't get a high-paid job.

Good Morning Ladies - nice to see you're all firing on all cylinders this morning :)

IME children who went to nursery were just as "entitled" and unwilling to share things when they started at school as those that had been at home with a parent. You couldn't tell from their behaviour who had a SAHP.

Am surprised (but not bothered in the slightest) that some posters apparently feel that they are superior because they go out to work. They can think what they want. I love being a SAHM, our DCs love the fact that I am there, 24/7, and have only once in 11 years missed a single school event (due to illness). That's important to us as a family. It works for us - wouldn't work for everyone, but it does for us. Each to their own.

Navy, you stirred 9 pages of shit with several posters being offended by your disgusting comment, 1 od them crying.

No apology and instead you turn on me.

And yolo, to address a point I think you made up thread similar to 'don't sahp's feel guilty having me time whilst their dp is out at work?'
At first, yes I did. Then I realised that that guilt was all about me, and got over myself. To break it down;
When dc both started school, I set up my own business (as I wanted to be there for the girls outside of schools, because I do believe that's in their interest), and well paid high flying jobs during school hours don't grow on trees. I was stressed, often had to take a call once I'd just picked up the girls, we all had to waste a morning on holiday once whilst I sorted out a problem etc etc and the money I made was a drop in the ocean compared to dh. I realised my business was all about me, and once you have a family you need to think about everyone.
So, I gave up my business, and lo, everyone in my family is now happier.
Having a bit of extra Me time, is just a lovely by product of the benefit a sahp brings to a family, and there's not much you can do about it.

Yolo. Come to Central London and see how many flexi jobs or 9-5 jobs will buy you a 1 bed flat, let alone a family home. Your kids can't get into a decent state school so you might decide to go down the private route - that's around £20k per child per year. At a 50% tax rate you need to earn 40K just for that one child to go to that school for a year - and most people have multiple children. Try finding a flexible job or a 9-5 that will fund that and still allow the DH to be home for bath time at 6.30 or whatever. Life can snowball once kids come along and you get on with it.

That's fair enough.

I disagree that you can't do things "just for you" when you have a family - I think each family is different on this. Mine made it clear that kids were a part of their life, not all of it, and we live around them, not the other way round. They both have great careers and pursue their own interests. I respect that. Some families are different and live just for their kids!

It's also the money v.s. time... I didn't have loads of my parents time, but the money they made both working paid for my uni and ensured I had no debt.

Different strokes I guess!

OK, but you don't have to live in Central London or pay for private school - those things are both a luxury!

Her job is the running of the house. She's not doing her job. Give her a verbal warning.

I work in the pharma industry which is flexible and 9-5 - one lady works short hours 4 days a week and supports her 2 kids. At senior level, the money is $$$. That's an example.

Yolo - it is a luxury but it's a reality and I'm trying to explain to you why the whole flexi job 50/50 family set-up would just never work for many families.

Yolo - I am also very hot on the dc realising they are part of a family, not all of it.
When I said 'everyone' is happier once I gave up my business, I was including myself in that. (I have a hobby that I compete at a high level for which I now have time for, which gives me far more satisfaction than my business did).
And thanks for your concern, but don't worry, we're more than fine financially on just one salary.

The kids I noticed who stayed at home seemed a bit more spoilt and didn't know how to share. Nursery teaches social skills.

You're really clutching at straws with this one. I seriously doubt that as a child you assumed (because that's what it is, an assumption) that those kids acted in that way because their mum stayed at home. That sort of thinking just isn't on a child's radar. I didn't even know or care who's parents worked and who's didn't as a child. Why would I?

And how do you know that that was the reason for them not sharing and being spoilt? Do children who go to nursery/childcare never have issues with sharing or acting spoilt? There are many, many reasons as to why a child might not behave as expected that would come before the assumption that it's all the sahm's fault.

Yet another poor attempt at putting sahp's down from someone who has no idea what it's like to be a parent, let alone a working or a stay at home one.