Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

'But I have to do all of that plus work'

Yes, indeed you do.

That's the fucking point of having a sahp isn't it??

You have to do all of that stuff in evenings and weekends, when the family with the sahp is out having fun.

Except the op, who isn't getting his side of the benefit.

Sorry honeylulu. I felt life to short to wade through 5 pages of outrage!!

I am pleased that the MN collective have equality in disparaging words !

I think your wife needs a job!

Imo when kids tiny and at home all day chores should be split more evenly as should out of work hours childcare. Once kids go to nursery as a SAHP I would take on more chores as I'd have more time. Once they are in school I would take on all the chores so we could have evenings and weekends chore free together as a family.

I love all these 'admin' comments! I'm a single Mum working full time with two children. I have to do all this 'admin' in the evenings once I've finished cooking and cleaning!

I would expect her to have a couple of hours to herself each day after doing some housework, night wakes, childcare, gardening, house organisation or DIY.

The first one doesn't take long, 2nd not relevant as kids are school age, neither 3rd so much - I loved time to myself at school age and could entertain myself without constant attention, gardening and DIY may not be necessary and what is "house organisation"? Isn't that what everyone else does when they get home from work?

Agree with above poster, she needs to get a job. We women love portraying ourselves as victims and yelling "there aren't enough women in boardrooms!". Yes, and choosing to not work and spending 6 hours a day having leisure time and baking cakes for PTA sale has nothing to do with that....

I've lost 10 years career experience, even though I've completed a degree with distinction whilst the children were small it does not make people want to employ me.

I organise the children/do the school run and travel back in the morning which takes 3 hours.

I organise the house, wash clothes for everyone and do many school pick ups. I organise what everyone has to eat. This usually takes up another 4 hours of my day.

If I had a husband as ungrateful as you I would leave him in a second.

She's a lazy cow op. Loved being a sahm with school aged kids.

She's incredible selfish too and don't blame you for being pissed off.

I love how some posters are saying that they do house admin to try to justify what they actually do, how do you think single parents who work or families where both parents work cope?

Yes she certainly should get a job. She's ripping the piss out of you and you're letting her.

If a woman was on here saying they work full time whilst their DH does next to fuck all at home she'd be told to divorce the fucker. No reason for her now not to work.

Not to mention clubs, emotional care, the thinking work, the mind numbing boredness and losing myself entirely by putting EVERYONE else first. Maid, cleaner, fucking menial task doer.

Listening to endless hours of DH and counselling him on his work situation, all the while wishing that could be me.

Real easy, real fucking easy.

Onion - they cope. Their quality of life just isn't as good.

I never understand on these threads why parents who both work full time rush to boast about how shit their lives are.

Is P1 the equivalent of reception? So OP's youngest has been in school less than a year. She hasn't yet managed to run out and find a little term time job that won't impact on his career so she's a lazy cow and a cuntlodger?

But I'm sure OP has got what he wanted because he can show his wife, who gave up her good career because they both thought it was best for their kids, that all of these women agree that she is an awful, lazy waste of space. He's even justified in financially abusing her!

I have to be honest here, the house admin seems to be getting slightly exaggerated as a major chore here. I think this is the sort of thing that gives stay at hone parents a bad rep.😔

The admin made me laugh too. I do it at work (I work FT) - make phone calls, bit of online banking, post letters- you can do everything online now so no more queuing or rushing to get places by closing time.

Yeah stitch

Depressing isnt it

I also think as working parents often have time off and are home with kids, or home when kids are at school, the life of a stay at home parent with kids at school isn't an alien concept that needs explaining to most people..,,

Yes, she's lazy and taking advantage. Might be scared to give up the cushy number though as it's very entrenched by now.

I worked full time with two as a single parent and still managed to cook from scratch, clean the house, do the washing, take kids to clubs, do admin etc. It can be done. Exhausting though. Some things slip. I might have dropped hoovering one week to go out at the weekend for example. Bathroom might have got a lighter clean while kids having their bath etc.

What I'm saying is she's not run thin by any stretch of the imagination, although many seem to be giving lists to justify it. I always think it's a terrible mistake for women to give up their careers, if they've had one, long term. A couple of years, yes, but 10 years. Crazy.

Not sure what the solution is as sounds like she's digging her heels in.

Just seems a lot of people are being defensive saying "I do LOADS of stuff, it takes 6 hours to do all this house admin" when working families somehow manage to do it all on top of working, in half the time, and still have time for leisure.

Again, things take however much time you have to do them in!

This isn't fair. I'm a kind of stay at home mum to be (hopefully! Doing ivf this cycle!) over the summer and my husband works 48hrs a week. I do everything except cut the grass (he has a ride on mower, boys and their toys) as I'm home all day. I still get plenty of time to do fun stuff. With the OPS kids at school all day the wife should do the bulk of the housework. If she's not going out to work, running the home is her "job" and she needs to contribute in effort at least. 30 hours a week child free is plenty to get stuff done and still have loads of free time. Then the weekends are totally free for family fun! She sounds a little lazy and entitled tbh.

I'll flip this a bit...OH was out of work for quite a while last year and now works part time ish from home. I work full time in an office. When he was at home all day unemployed he did about 90% of the housework, errands etc (leaving the bits for me that either I'm just better at or enjoy doing) and even now when he's busy most days the spare hours he does have he tries to fit in as many chores as he can. In return I do all the things its easier for me to do as I'm out anyway, such as picking up shopping etc. If there's stuff to do at weekend's because it didn't get done in the week for whatever reason we divvy it up.

We do this so that it evens put the amount of overall 'work' going on, and of an evening and weekend we're both free to spend time doing nice stuff. Your wife is taking the piss, regardless of if she's earning money or not she's filling her free time with activities that benefit just her instead of both of you.