How do working mums do it?

[magicat]

I've been at home with our 4 DC for 12 years. Now that they're all in school a couple of people have asked me, "What do you do all day?" and "Are you returning to work now then?"

I'm not against the idea of returning to work, (even though DH tells me not to bother), but I doubt I'd get a job that fits within school hours. DH doesn't get in until 7.30 / 8pm and often travels as well. When I try and think through the logistics of it all, I wonder how it would actually work because -

• We have no family support around
• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15
• Who would get the kids to school?
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)
• What about school holidays?
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.

If anyone else is in my position i.e. no family support, a fair few DC and a DH with very minimal input into the day-to-day running of things, could I please ask how you made returning to work "work" and are you permanently exhausted and overwhelmed?

Magicat, I'm probably half a generation ahead of you, and also had lots of sahm friends. So now this is what we are doing, in no particular order;
Re-trained as a TEFL teacher, private clients and working for a language school, volunteered as a cub leader and for the National Trust
Re-trained as a counsellor, works as the manager of a counselling service.
Retrained as a book keeper, does the admin for a large local sports club/team and charity( paid)
Re-trained as a driving instructor, self employed
Office manager( was a designer)
Part time SENCO, just completed a degree
Bought into an educational franchise.
Returned to nursing
Re.trained as a personal trainer
Dog walker
Charity fund raiser ( now paid )
Project manager

Ok, so too late to be a brain surgeon, or high court judge, but enough to be going on with

A cooked breakfast every day before 7am for 6 people?!

We work opposite shifts (he does 5am-3pm I do 3pm-12am) vice Versa.
We make sure we have one weekend off a month together for family time.

I'm a separated mum of four aged 4-10. Children are with me 70% of the time; I work approx 32 hours a week over five days Monday to Friday.

1. I got an au pair. As she has classes to attend, she is only on duty 1.30-when I get home. Which could be 4, 5, 6 or 7pm. She is paid for 5 hours per day, and I require her to be flexible.

1. Friends and neighbours. In my years as a SAHM, I got to know lots of people. As I've no family nearby, there are days when I've had to message out a call for help with a child with s bad cough or a temperature, and I cannot overstate the value of having someone to call on.

1. Cleaner. Tick. Lawn-mower man. Tick.

1. A full freezer.

1. Recognise the limitations: I find it quite dispiriting that 'our' school projects don't have the same scale and glory that my SAHM friends' kids have. But we do what we can together when we can.

I am a widowed lone parent. I am contracted four days a week but work a lot in the evenings and check emails during my non working day. I work in consulting, it's a demanding role.

Children are two and six. I manage by using a nanny and a cleaner. Luckily I earn enough to to afford this. I'm permanently shattered as always behind on life admin, buying clothes for DCs, baking for bloody fetes etc. You just learn not to worry about that stuff.

I manage because I earn well and I protected my earning power when DD1 was born by returning to work. I haven't a clue how lower paid lone parents manage

i have worked full time with 3dc since 1998. oldest ones now grown little one is 9. simple answer, i comprimised my career to a location where i could drop off at breakfast club at 8 and get back to for 5.30. its fine with just one. but childcare for 4 would be eyewatering. just breakfast club would be 100 a week.

I work in a stressful and busy job, we have 3 children 2 4 and 7 and my husband works in a different town so not home til 7.30. It's exhausting but we make it work.

• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15 - after school club
• Who would get the kids to school?* I do, 7.30/8 on my way to work. Breakfast club*
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)* dependent leave or annual leave*
• What about school holidays?* Annual leave or holiday club*
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate* yep*
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush* weekend or online*
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner* we don't have a cleaner - evenings and weekends*
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is* you'd have to change your routines*
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.* Music practice before school or weekends. Homework at after school club or weekends.*

I'd much prefer to be able to be at home to have the space and time to do all the things that a family need. We don't have that choice as I need to work as we can't live off one salary. We make it work.

Breakfast club
After school club
Various holiday clubs

Part time work
Flexi time

Online grocery shopping
Amazon Prime for most other things

Cleaner (although we didn't like her, she didn't stay long)
Lawn cutting man
Repertoire of quick recipes and batch cooking

Breakfast and after school club
Cleaner
Local Friends or less local grandparents in emergencies
Annual leave plus holiday clubs for school holidays - we generally take holidays separately to cover everything
It isn't forever and as a result I have been able to maintain an excellent salary
If I had take more than a year off I would be on half on what I am now
Medium term it pays off
Having a healthy child helped though. It may not have worked if she had been ill all the time

I work school hours, although not in education and DH works long hours and we have no family support. It takes a bit of organisation and it's tough at times but with 1 DC at secondary and another almost there, I'd go stir crazy at home alone all day.

Drop kids to school on the way to school pick up at 3.15- breakfast club and afterschool clubs are available if necessary.

Both DCs do activities outside school so there's something on most afternoons.

Prep dinner before activities so its ready to go when we get in.

Eat at 630/7

Make lunches for the next day while DC do homework. Maybe have a quick tidy stick some washing on.

Housework is done Sat morning while DC are at activities. The rest of the weekend is free.

Also, the dc's school doesafter school activity clubs as well as wraparound care, so my dc have had the opportunity to do various sports, music and other interest clubs, which they are taken to/from by the wrap around club staff.

Sounds like you're all happy with your set up.
You commented yourself it's only other people that have made you doubt things.
You going back to work would dramatically change things for everyone.
If I were you I wouldn't.

If he needs to work evenings or weekends, then he does. I can't complain as he's not at all lazy and he's created successful businesses out of thin air so obviously we've all benefited from that. I just couldn't rely on him to get the kids out to school or that kind of thing

He's not created it out of thin air. He's created it out of the full time labour of two people for , what, 13 years. You have worked more than FT doing all his housework, childcare and wifework to allow him to do paid work.

I think it's clear from your posts that he doesn't want you to WOTH because he's not willing to change anything and do more of his share of childcare. And you are not willing to change this assumption. So you need to do a risk assessment on your current situation.

His earning potential is very high, he has good savings and a pension and a pretty much guarantee job and source of income. You have none of these. Plus any future job has to fit around you being a sole parent of a large family.

So all I can say is

1.I hope you are actually legally married,and not just using the word Dh to mean partner

1. I hope you own the same amount of shares as he does in your family company ( it very tax efficient )

1. I hope you have savings and pension equal to his.

If not I'd be getting to all of these right away. Much more important than anything else.

To be honest, if DH had to be at home with the kids, say for two half days a week with his computer or phone confiscated during this period, he would be certifiable after the first week and in a state of total aggro which would not improve over time and I couldn't cope with it.

That's a pretty horrific thing to say. Two afternoons a week = 8 hours so roughly 5% of his time. And he couldn't cope with that? That is really really heartbreaking for them.

What Coral said about making sure you are financially protected. Unfortunately the type of man who is always chasing "the next big thing" business wise is not always the most faithful.

For how I make it work - both me and Dh have taken small steps back at work in order to enable the other one to continue working without our children suffering. It works because both jobs are important to both of us.

I have 2 DC and work 30 hrs a week. DH and I juggle it so only DC are in wraparound care 2 days a week and are able to do clubs 3 days a week (one being after an after school club ) plus we get a night when we pick up from school and have the afternoon free for play/play dates. 2 parents working involves juggling things and compromises all round and can be exhausting - how much, depends on the hours you both work, working pattern and no. Of children you have.

With 4 children and a husband working long hours, I would suggest you will have more to juggle and compromise on than I do for example. Therefore going back to work needs to be a decision that only you can decide is right for your family. It's all doable but you need to decide what you are trying to gain and if the extra pressures are worth it.

There are part time working websites out that, which gear themselves to school hours if that's the priority (e. Ten2two). If you are bored but don't want to commit to regular work, there are always voluntary working options

Do what is right for your own circumstances and don't worry about other people's views on 'what you do all day' would be my advice

One other thing I've thought of is that I live in a world where mums do work. The school the kids go to has a really good breakfast, after school and holiday club. There are loads of nurseries and childminders in the area. I know loads of dads who work part time / flexibly. Pretty much all my friends work at least a bit. Pretty much all the couples I know who have split up have gone down the "shared care" route.

Your world doesn't sound like that. No after school club? All the dads never see their kids!

It must be much harder to cope as a working mum if you are not surrounded by your "tribe".

We used to both work FT in demanding jobs with long hours and commutes. DH pops off a abroad a few times a year with no actual pattern and closest family memeber 250 miles away. I also had to pop down to London sometimes.

We basically chucked money at everything, breakfast clubs, after school, care, cleaner and gardener. I'm the least domesticated person ever, loathe it all. the stuff we did have to do was shared quite evenly.

Do you do anything for yourself because once your dc have left home what's left of you, just be careful you are not setting yourself up to be an empty nester.

Because I had no choice. ExH left me with 3 week old baby.
So after maternity leave, back to work and I had to do all of it myself. Literally all of it. No choice.
And there was no internet then, well there was but internet shopping was not a thing.
You just make it happen. I had an au pair to help me which sounds posh but really really isn't.

Just to say we are married. I don't have my own savings as such because we have joint accounts. He has put strategies in place so I can access funds in the event of anything happening to him and I would be financially ok if we ever did separate. That might not have been the case say 8 years ago though, so I did take a risk in retrospect.

DH is a very decent person and he's so good to us all, but he's a workaholic really. At least he can admit it these days! I've kind of absorbed it over the years, but at the same time I've been very privileged as well and I know that.

Thankyou for all the honesty which I appreciate and some great advice and motivation too.

I guarantee I'm older than you but the way you explain your situation reminds me very much of an era gone by and you being the little woman at home.

The point You make about him asking what he should do to appear helpless and so you just do it. Does that give you a feeling of satisfaction because I utterly loathe the helpless men crap that some of them pull I have heard so many stories over the years form women friends and my sisters,

Unless he is as thick as pig shit it's an excuse to actually get you doing everything. It's pure manipulation.

childcare for 4 would be eyewatering. just breakfast club would be 100 a week

That's a fiver a day per child - do some schools really charge this for breakfast?! Ours is free 8.20-8.50 (inc breakfast) or £1.25 per child to drop them off at 7.50.

I have three , two now grown up , 23 and 20 and one 15 year old .The middle one has extra needs and the older one has needed a lot of support through his teens and onwards for a variety of reasons .I worked part time , roughly 3 to 4 days in a demanding job all of their lives .

How did I do it ? I realise now that it was at a huge cost to my mental and physical health , I am a shell now absolutely exhausted .Dh has a full on professional job and commutes and although we had a cleaner and gardener at times and fabulous grandparents ,fundamentally all the day to day organising etc was down to me, 23 years in I wish I had gone for a quieter life .My memories of their childhood are dominated by the constant rushing around , worringing about arrangements and juggling childcare , activities , mealtimes , work , social lives, sickness cover etc etc .Honestly , and I never thought I of all people would say this; I regret it .If I had my time again I would choose to do one thing well rather than kill myself trying to do everything🙁So if you are happy at home go for it , maybe think about doing some further education or volonteering , concentrate on quality of life.

Do you want to go back to work? Is there something you want to do? If so, then you'll make it work but it will require adjustments in who does what and how things are done (and whether some things are done at all) by all of you - you, your husband, the kids. You will definitely be exhausted if you go back to work but everything else, in terms of responsibility for thinking about and doing everything involved in running the house, still remains your sole responsibility. if your husband doesn't care if you go back to work, and you don't really want to, I can't see why you'd bother. But if you do want to go back to work, you and your husband - and the kids to some extent - need to figure out how you as a family are going to get everything that needs to be done, done. You can't do all that on your own and you need to ensure everyone realises it before you go back to work.

Peanut - to try and answer that, I suppose I feel like I haven't needed to rely on him to do anything. He is often away anyway and even if he's home he's usually semi-working, so I just don't factor him in, unless there is a real crisis like one of them needs to go to A&E or something like that. So no he doesn't get it, but then I don't get the kind of pressures he's under either. It is a balance, we just do different things. If I needed more help round the house, I'd get the cleaner in more often, or if I couldn't get home for the kids I'd get a babysitter before asking him to drop something.

Sorry, I should add that he's not emotionally distant with me or the kids. He plays with them and they can talk to him about anything.