How do working mums do it?

[magicat]

I've been at home with our 4 DC for 12 years. Now that they're all in school a couple of people have asked me, "What do you do all day?" and "Are you returning to work now then?"

I'm not against the idea of returning to work, (even though DH tells me not to bother), but I doubt I'd get a job that fits within school hours. DH doesn't get in until 7.30 / 8pm and often travels as well. When I try and think through the logistics of it all, I wonder how it would actually work because -

• We have no family support around
• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15
• Who would get the kids to school?
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)
• What about school holidays?
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.

If anyone else is in my position i.e. no family support, a fair few DC and a DH with very minimal input into the day-to-day running of things, could I please ask how you made returning to work "work" and are you permanently exhausted and overwhelmed?

Thankyou changing, that's good to know. I'm 41 now. My previous kind of work was very full on in the health service and maybe would be too much now. There are some other things I'm interested in now, but you're right in that I need a plan. It would be helpful if DH would engage with me on this though because I don't feel as if he does.
Thanks to everyone - I feel exhausted reading some of the posts!

We used childcare as most people realistically don't work school hour jobs. We take it in turn to be off for sick days and use our holidays to cover schools holidays. Having no family support never stopped me working, we just organised ourselves well.

I didn't mean to imply that SAH is better: I personally think WoH is preferable, for the reasons given, but SAH can work for some.

It' almost never a SAHD enabling his wife to earn lots OH,m: the sole earner is usually a man.

An issue where I live, which has one of the highest proportions of SAHMs in the UK and lots of high earning men is that the fathers work long hours and travel, spending little time with DC.

You could always consider finding a life coach, that may help you focus.
I've actually been working on implementing health and social care integration, and even though you may feel rusty your insight will be valuable. Lots of the CCG's for example want volunteer lay people to represent local communities, and GP surgeries have user groups. There's loads out there, but it can be hard to work out your starting point.
Local adult education sometimes run returner courses too for people who have been oot of the workplace, have a google, and good luck!

Thanks changing. Yes a life coach could be useful. The other issue I have is that most of my friends are SAH too so the conversation doesn't really lend itself to that kind of thinking.
Loopy - maybe we're in the same area because I wouldn't say my DC see less of their dad than their friends do so it's normal to them.

The same as working dads?

Breakfast club from 8am, after school club til 6pm.

Give dcs healthy diet so they don't get sick!

Order food etc online.

Live with the mess/ outsource.

Older dcs go to extra clubs on own. Younger ones at the weekend.

Batch cook dinners.

Get school dinners.

It' almost never a SAHD enabling his wife to earn lots OH,m: the sole earner is usually a man.

Absolutely no reason why this should be the case especially these days. Outdated assumptions of roles based on sex.

I wouldn't say my DC see less of their dad than their friends do so it's normal to them.

That's potentially not good for anyone. Boys growing up shouldn't feel they have to commit to working long hours and be expected to provide for future families should they choose to have one, rarely seeing their children, any more than girls should feel they're inevitably going to see their careers take a back seat and a future husband's take precedence over theirs.

As I've posted before my parents are both what would be considered high earning and successful and I feel very close to both of them. Neither have ever missed a parents' evening, they've attended a fair few of my sporting fixtures and I spend lots of wonderful time with them at weekends and beyond. Fantastic role models for my siblings and I as well.

Do what works for you, if you don't want to or need to, don't.

You have to do what's right for you and your family.

I'm freaking out about returning to work- love my job but the nursery runs, the finances, managing the house... literally no idea how I'm going to do it. Lottery win anyone?!

I work part time (4 short days a week 8.30-3.30) in a school. We have no support either . DH works full time long hours (out 6am - 7.30pm). On my working days, all younger DCs go to school breakfast club and after school club. Older DC goes on a bus so leaves at the same time as me. I'd love to change to a different sector but can't work out how to manage the summer holiday without any GPs (young teens don't fancy holiday clubs). I plan all my week's food on a weekend & do my food shopping then. Housework on my day off. House is ok but not great - I've had to lower my standards a bit. It gets easier with practise.

You just manage and accept that things are going to change and be a bit more challenging.

I have found myself an unexpected single parent. Work part time, have before and after school care and deal with everything house management wise by myself.
Food shopping, cleaning, gardening, cooking, DIY, admin etc.

Honestly not a stealth boast, it is hard, but I'm just trying to say that if you have two incomes and another adult body in the house it is completely doable.

Of course there SHOULD be many SAHDs and PT dads, but there isn't: it's crap. And there must be reasons why-patriarchial ones.

have no support and am a single parent to 5 children.

i'm not quite sure why you can only look for a job that fits in school hours?

Until recently I used both breakfast club and after school club. At other times (when my dc were babies) i've used a childminder. Last school holiday I used a holiday club.

I shop online, have a cleaner, do admin jobs either at work or before work (I get up at 6am and have an hour on my own). Dinner is a bit of a rush, or sometimes I cook before work. It's all doable. My house is clean, my children well looked after (if a bit feral). I manage to do a senior job pretty well.

Oh no, after school activities, but alot of my children do music. All do homework and they're pretty high achieving (mostly).

Actually I think the key is getting up early. I've always got oodles done first thing: cooking, laundry, prof quals, masters. Have sub contracted though.

Roses - I usually get up between 5 -5.30 in the week. My eldest needs to be out for 7. I do a cooked breakfast or porridge for everyone inc DH and leave at 7.55 with the DC.

None of the schools mine have been in offer any form of breakfast clubs or after school care. At primary level, they are only allowed to do 2 after school clubs a week. On these days they finish at 4.15.

If I ask DH to get involved in the morning routine, he just says, "Well what do you want me to do?" By the time I've explained I could have done it myself.

We have no family around us, we both work FT hours plus, ds2 has additional medical needs, you just get on with it, it's hard by rewarding.

I never asked my DH to "get involved with the morning routine" - its a one person job.

Just don't be there one morning (by arrangement - have a week night away from home helping a friend in a crisis or something - I don't mean disappear in the night and send everyone into a panic :o ) - he'll figure it out and the kids will prompt if necessary).

I didn't even do that though, DH's first moring doing anything to do with getting the kids out to school was my first work morning. Of course he managed - he's not a toddler.

Magicat, don't waste your energy comparing yourself to what other people here do, or to what your friends do, or what other people think you should do, just think about how you want your life to work out.
The world and her wife will chip in with an opinion, but only you know what will work for you and your family.
Unless you have been a secret mass murderer in recent years, or spent your spare time abusing vulnerable people, your unwaged work will have as much value as the next persons'.
But there again, I may be a bit of an old hippy!

If your husband and kids can't make toast themselves in the morning, you need to start there. My 3.5yr old tries hard to make her own now!

I think you need to reflect on what you want and how it would work. Ideally marriages are a team so your husband does pick up / drop up at least one day a week when home.. if he won't even commit to that, then no point thinking about something else.. so start small, maybe a short course up skilling you in a interest area and see how everyone copes

Thanks changing and eve - great advice. Yes I need to try and separate out what I want, as opposed to other people's expectations.

I have 4 dc and have always worked since they were tiny. Due to potentially enormous childcare costs we have always worked around each other, so dh works 9-5 and I have always worked nights, evenings and weekends. It has been ( and still is)very exhausting but we had no choice. Now that they are almost all teenagers, I have cut down the shiftwork job and do 3 days in the week in one job and 15 hours at weekends in another job. There are never enough hours to get everything done.

Baby - I can't imagine working nights for all those years with 4 DC. I really admire you and your DH for working around each other.