How do working mums do it?

[magicat]

I've been at home with our 4 DC for 12 years. Now that they're all in school a couple of people have asked me, "What do you do all day?" and "Are you returning to work now then?"

I'm not against the idea of returning to work, (even though DH tells me not to bother), but I doubt I'd get a job that fits within school hours. DH doesn't get in until 7.30 / 8pm and often travels as well. When I try and think through the logistics of it all, I wonder how it would actually work because -

• We have no family support around
• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15
• Who would get the kids to school?
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)
• What about school holidays?
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.

If anyone else is in my position i.e. no family support, a fair few DC and a DH with very minimal input into the day-to-day running of things, could I please ask how you made returning to work "work" and are you permanently exhausted and overwhelmed?

DC get time/attention from both parents and the couple stays happily together.

I get plenty of time and attention from both my parents and always have. They both work full time. They're also extremely happy. The tone of your post suggests that it's preferable for a family for a mother specifically to stay at home.

Well we both work 30 hrs and with some flexibility. So one of us is home 3 days a week. We only need schools wrap around care two dats a week. We also outsource cleaning and have a strict taking it in turns policy if DC sick. Works for us.

Reborn - if people were too busy in their "working day" to be on the internet, then they wouldn't be here

It's not only about what I want because this kind of decision affects the whole family.

It's just kind of pointless people taking time and energy out their working days to advise when it's pretty clear to me you have no intention of taking said advice.

yes Op, don't bother the important working people with your trivial shit. They have important PAID work to do.

I'm a single parent and work full time

No cleaner, gardener. My mum helps sometimes in emergency.

I think it just seems overwhelming when you look at all the many things that need doing but it's possible.
You have to be clear with workplaces about when you have to leave (this is MUCH easier than it used to be. Paternity leave has had some effect in that men at work just state without any shame "I've got to do the nursery pick up. Bye") but saying this am ridiculous in that if I had to leave early i always work at weekend / evening to make up for it. I think companies always respect that over time.

You pick your battles. No more lentil weaving

You have a reasonable number of activities and make sure they don't start before 6

I think it's worthwhile to go to work, the benefits far outweigh the racing through traffic knowing childcare is being charged per minute because you are already late. Work makes me a much better parent and role model. It's not impossible but choosing a good company is also vital.

It's not only about what I want because this kind of decision affects the whole family.

So does his decision to do little but work.

Magicat, while DH may not be free to do school runs, as an IT whizz, could he set up systems to help the household run smoothly? Like an automatic online shop for groceries weekly?

Or making up laminated lists for the DCs to check their own bags (use a whiteboard marker to tick off daily) - we use different lists as everyday has different needs (Mon - hockey stuff, Tues - extra snack for afterschool club, Wed - treat for sharing at homework club before an activity, Thurs - athletics stuff, Fri - soccer stuff (and now a boating bag in the evening), Sat - Cubs gear and boating gear, Sun - hockey stuff) - but it means DD can get herself organized and we can easily check it by the list ticks not root through the bag.

Or a rota for each DC to have certain chores (age and skill appropriate) - empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor, bring down the laundry basket, put away the toilet rolls, tidy away the toys....up to prepping for dinner once a week or making school lunches as they get older.

And definitely a family diary!!

He should also be part of family mealtimes where the day gets discussed, plans made ahead of time, and then everyone pitches in to clear up afterwards before drifting off to homework, activities, tv, play or sleep.

Thanks Pallisers Though I wouldn't claim my issues are exactly a world crisis either. It's interesting to hear how people make it work though.

NoLove - you are right of course that his decisions have affected everyone too. I suppose the longer things go on in a certain way, the harder it is to make changes.

Of course. Also you spoke of him working hard - so do you.

Generally I think it's astounding how much it's accepted men can absolve themselves of any responsibility in the home whilst it's so expected that women will factor in so many issues when deciding what they can or can't do, and are made to feel guilty for whatever choice they make.

I'm a single mum, I had no family support (they live too far away) and I worked full time . I managed to find an excellent childminder for when the children were babies /toddlers. When they started school it was breakfast and after school club.

In answer to your question as to how we do it ? We just do, it's not easy but sometimes needs must . I didn't have a cleaner or gardener and I did all DIY myself except for boilers and electrics.

I'm actually quite proud of myself !

Flexitime is what works for us. I work 21 hours per week over 4 days. As long as I'm at my desk by 9.30 and leave at 2.4pm I can keep my hours on track. Friday is my cleaning/shopping/haircuts/meeting friends day.

OH works an irregular shift pattern. It's 40 hours over any 5 days out of 7. Sometimes he is around to do the school run, and that's when I build up hours on my flexitime to bank for when I need it.

Oh and get a slow cooker ! It gave us more time together of an evening .

Agree that school aged kids can generally do loads of stuff by themselves, some of which you're bound to be doing for them - putting their clean laundry away, packing their own bags, make own breakfasts etc. I have NO IDEA which days are PE kit/instrument/reading record days. IME they only forget something once, and then learn that it's worth making an effort to remember.

Homework is done while I'm cooking/washing up, so that I'm there to answer questions but can get on with something else at the same time. DH is working much longer hours currently due to a big project, so the DC have to muck in a little more right now - just 5 minute jobs like putting a load of laundry on or feeding the cat, but it all helps create some free time to enjoy together when the chores are done.

The house isn't as clean or well-maintained as I'd like but it's no biggie.

In a slow cooker - is the food in it all day?

To be honest, if DH had to be at home with the kids, say for two half days a week with his computer or phone confiscated during this period, he would be certifiable after the first week and in a state of total aggro which would not improve over time and I couldn't cope with it.

Slow cooker - yes the food cooks slowly all day

I am taking a break currenty to be a stay at homer but was working supposedly part time but I. Reality often 60 or 70 hours a week since my first was born so 8 years of crazy working.

I coped by:

Internet shop everything

Internet shop all kids clothes and shoes as I would never have time for physical shop visits

On Sunday do all my work outfits for the week and all the kids uniforms and outfits and pjs so we would have 5 x trouser 5 x jumpers etc

The school gives out term letters I would prepare Easter bonnet early - book day costumes months ahead - but kids presents and birthday presents so I never had to fluff around.

For example Christmas shopping etc would be sorted no later than mid October as otherwise I knew I wouldn't have time for it.

Get sport gear and do homework reading etc on weekend as I would not have time during the week

Get up early

Do at least 2 washing cycles a day

Sometimes I would just have to work through the night either at work or on doing housework - that was the only way

Wrap around childcare and a few hours of a cleaner who could also extend childcare

Really seldom have a social night As any spare time I spent with the children

I would drink lots of coffee

My children have never ever had a day off sick - totally strange

I would keep a week of holidays for school trips etc and we would only have a long weekend as the family holiday

Quite lonely in terms of adult company - as dear husband was away for work often and really only could ever help wth school uniforms and breakfast - never anything else

Now as a stay at home mum I will go back to work - in some ways being so organised made me cherish the kids time.

single parent - family 200 miles away - We have no family support around

• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15 - Childminder
• Who would get the kids to school? - Breakfast club - 7:30
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next) - Unpaid dependents leave
• What about school holidays? - Holiday clubs
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate - yup - sadly
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush - online and meal plan
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner - evenings and weekends
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is - you just do!
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework Nope

In terms of how do we do it - it's a case of having to! Sink or swim really isn't it.

If you're in the position of not having to or wanting to go to work then I wouldn't do it. Logistically it's a nightmare and school holidays are expensive to cover with clubs/camps.

If you particularly want to do something is there anything you could do working from home or some volunteer work for a few hours?

However if you don't want to then don't! You don't have to explain to anyone why you love your life as you do.

Did you agree with your H that he'd be allowed to completely abdicate from doing any housework or looking after the kids when you decided to have 4 kids? That would be totally unacceptable to me.

All the women I know in my mother's generation who opted to be sole SAHMs tell me now, repeatedly, how much they regret it and how they wished they'd pushed on through like I do, and how lucky I must remember I am. Chat to some people like that and see if it helps you decide.

And one of them helped me out on an emergency days too when all my other childcare plans fell through and it was critical I did something. More often though, it's been family or other working mums who have come to my aid (as I have done them)

We had 4DC. DH was working as a delivery driver and was often out several nights running. He took a job on permanent nights and I took a job in a call centre Mon to Fri 1-5pm (he had the DC).

We were lucky that FIL retired when our youngest was 2 and was available to babysit during the day when we got stuck.

Over the years the routine changed, jobs changed, and it's so much easier when they are secondary school age.

FF to now. The big DCs have grown up and left home. We have one 10 yo. DH still nights but now 5 pw instead of 4. I work 30 hrs. No family around to help. DD has 3-4 weeks a year in holiday clubs paid for by childcare vouchers. We cover the rest of the holidays between us; a couple of weeks off together, he does half-terms and I cover the 2 weeks of Xmas. School does some regular activities that finish at 4.15 so I can get my hours in at work between school runs.

Will say that house is a mess, garden needs attention and we are permanently tired.

Agree that school aged kids can generally do loads of stuff by themselves, some of which you're bound to be doing for them - putting their clean laundry away, packing their own bags, make own breakfasts etc. I have NO IDEA which days are PE kit/instrument/reading record days.

Defo - I always packed my own things, did my own homework in my room, poured my own cereal etc. I also got paid £10 a week to clean the house. I learned to be independent and self-sufficient, mum didn't have to waste loads of time babying me and cleaning, everybody wins!

We have 3dc and no family support at all. I now work 4 days a week equivalent but over 5 days. So 3 school hour days. On one day I finish late and use the after school club for the younger 2 (oldest is at high school so comes home alone) and one day dh is in charge of morning /school run so I can start at 7. He has a high level job so one day a week late start is reasonable for the hours he works the rest of the week!

Yes it's go go all day as I have the full morning routine, work, full after school routine and all that entails every single day....

But I kind of thrive on being busy. Dinner is slow cooker, cooked after school or convenience food. I have a cleaner and everything else gets done on the run!

Agree with poster who says they really appreciate time with dc when it's so limited eg a sneaky sick day.

Definitely possible but not for the faint hearted.

Hello OP, I was you 10 years ago, 4 children, and husband working very long hours, with early starts and late finishes.
I actually returned to work when my eldest was 18 and the youngest 8, and found a school hours part time job working for the local authority.
I've progressed career wise and have now been full time for the past 5 years, and am earning well above the average wage. Not a boast but just to point out that you can re-enter the job market in your 40s and still make up for lost time.
However I did plan my re entry into work, got all my computer skills up to date etc. ( I started my 18 year long maternity leave in 1988!) And got involved with volunteering at the CAB and took on fund raising roles elsewhere. So my cv showed that I was capable of many skills I had acquired in an unwaged capacity.
With regards to managing family life, I worked school hours until the younger 2 started senior school and when they got sick I managed to take unpaid leave or make up the time later. Domestic stuff just got done between myself and my husband, shopping, admin etc and we also had a cleaner.
I cannot tell you how much I love my current job, how stimulating it is to have something going on in my life now they are all young adults and away at uni, or living abroad.
So my advice is take the long view, plan your return by getting your skills up to date and volunteer if possible in a role you are attracted to.
I am not working in my original field ( retail buying) nor in the area I was volunteering, but being open minded and optimistic I've now got a great job and work with brilliant people.