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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You're just jealous

157 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/05/2017 10:30

AIBU to think that this is a very unintelligent way to deal with someone disagreeing with you?

When I first started on Mumsnet I was on a thread about private education and I said I was opposed to the ideology. Someone came back and said "you're just jealous" and I thought what?? what the actual?? I thought this place had a reputation for smart thinking and interesting discourse.

And all these years later, it still irritates me just as profoundly. I shouldn't let it wind me up, but I wish people could be a bit more imaginative and just, well, smarter I suppose.

Do you genuinely think anyone is jealous of you?

OP posts:
choccyp1g · 26/05/2017 14:58

I think the social aspect people are concerned about is that kids going to certain private schools will grow up to be selfish arseholes.

Surely that comment is aimed at grown-ups?

choccyp1g · 26/05/2017 14:58

Possibly one grown-up in particular

MycatsaPirate · 26/05/2017 14:59

You're just jealous - spouted on the step-parenting board repeatedly at step mums.

OP: My DSD/DSS has been really hard work recently. She/he is refusing to eat anything I cook, won't put clothes in the laundry and won't acknowledge me when I talk to her/him, only responds to their dad.

Reply: You're just jealous that your DH has a good relationship with his kids! You knew this when you married him, so don't know why you are moaning now. Just make the food your DSC want rather than trying to make them eat stuff YOU like.

On just about every single step parenting issue.

Unless it's the step dad posting and then, somehow, it's a different reaction.

Moussemoose · 26/05/2017 14:59

MakeUpMyRoom

Despite my state education even I can see that this....

I think the social aspect people are concerned about is that kids going to certain private schools will grow up to be selfish arseholes

This comment refers to the potential adult they will become and not about the child.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/05/2017 15:07

Wisteria & co., that was a not-so-subtle (I thought) dig at the "grown up" Volunteer seems to have become. I have no problem with children. Even the ones I'm "jealous" of.

MakeUpMyRoom · 26/05/2017 15:15

What has volunteer said that you're so offended by?

Agree with wisteria that they seem to have been insulted for no real reason and does the 'we're not jealous' arguement no good whatsoever. They were rude back, but having read all 106 posts, seems to have been attacked rather than the attacker.

As an adult, why make digs? Speak your mind!

BertrandRussell · 26/05/2017 15:25

Well I don't know about anyone else, but I do tend to get a bit pissed off when people dismiss my firmly held principles.........

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/05/2017 15:29

Make, seriously? You don't see what Volunteer said that bothers people? Clearly many other people on this thread found those comments offensive too. Might lead you to conclude that you missed something?

zeezeek · 26/05/2017 15:35

On any thread where the Royals are even slightly criticised.....

Err, no I'm not jealous. I just think they are a waste of time and money and an anachronism.

Plunkette · 26/05/2017 15:45

Makeup I think that the thing that has upset people about Volunteer's posts is that she said that she felt that most people would forfeit their principles if offered free private education. It rather implies that people only express their principles because they can't afford to privately educate.

When we lived in the UK we chose to send our DC to state schools even though we could afford private education. We moved internationally for DH's work and private school fees for our DC were included in our relocation package.

We still send our DC to state schools. Even though we could privately educate them for free.

Principles are an actual, real, thing.

To think "other people would behave like me if only they could afford it" is pretty narrow thinking.

And not just in relation to education. I can think your Ferrari is wasteful and a poor choice for the environment- that doesn't mean I couldn't afford one.

I can think your Hermes bag is overpriced and an unbelievable waste of money - that doesn't mean I couldn't afford one.

Volunteer is of course perfectly entitled to send her children to any school she chooses. I'm sure her children are lovely and will do very well in life.

She isn't entitled to say "you're dissembling, you'd go private in a shot if you could".

CaptainBraandPants · 26/05/2017 16:55

Plunkette Excellent post and brings us right back to the OP's point that just because someone doesn't agree with you about private education doesn't mean they are jealous.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/05/2017 17:03

Yes, and as the OP I can honestly say this was not meant to be a thread about private schools. I cited that "you're just jealous" comment I was given back then in 2006 as an example.

So my thread goes:

"I think you're just jealous is a stupid comment"

and Volunteer goes

"yes, but really you're just jealous"

which is quite amusing and ironic!

Just back from my child's Year 11 graduation assembly. She seems to have emerged from her non-leafy London comp as a quite wonderful person who will no doubt come away with a clutch of good GCSEs. As will all of her friends and most of her peers. I can't imagine there's a better school anywhere for her. But, no, according to Volunteer, I am indeed just jealous.

OP posts:
SoftBlocks · 26/05/2017 17:08

YANBU.

NavyandWhite · 26/05/2017 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 26/05/2017 17:16

I'm sorry I just had to comment on this: I think people would sacrifice their principles to help their children which is why I do think there's jealousy involved. I would.

I personally thought that part of being a parent is instilling principles in our children.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 17:24

🍿 anyone?

So now it's all let's slag each others kids off?

Lovely jubbly.

I don't care where your children go to school. State or privately but t's never ok to slag off children. I suggest those indulging stop it.

NurseScorne · 26/05/2017 17:24

I remember seeing a post on here dating to ask if it was unreasonable to expect parents of school age kids to get a job - the OP was asked if she was jealous of stay at home mums 😂

Atenco · 26/05/2017 17:27

Sorry, OP, your thread has been somewhat derailed, but I totally agree with you that this is a very poor means of debating. I hate the way when anyone criticises the huge gap in incomes between the rich and the poor, it is called politics of envy.

Personally I have been on a millionaire's yacht and was never so bored, as was everyone else, though god forbid they should admit it.

VolunteerAsTribute · 26/05/2017 18:12

It rather implies that people only express their principles because they can't afford to privately educate.

More than implies. I meant it absolutely and have seen it happen over and over and over again.

To think "other people would behave like me if only they could afford it" is pretty narrow thinking.

I've watched people come in to money and change their principles overnight. Suggesting, in fact, that they aren't principles at all. How many lottery winners keep their children in the state system? In those I've met, 100% don't!

I've no idea why my experience upsets people. They may not like it, but they need to be adult and rather than get upset, see evidence for what it is.

I wish you'd stop talking about entitlement. The knowledge of entitlement and 'my rights' is what's dragging our country down. Understanding your luck and making the most of it is what's important.

Atenco

Perhaps more in keeping with the 'your children are arseholes' rhetoric, my children are taught to show their abilities as well as they can. Not to take a dive to level the playing field.

WhereIsTheLikeButton · 26/05/2017 18:24

My two children are in private education, me or my siblings didn't go to private school even though our parent could afford it; I enjoyed going to a state school primary school but I hated secondary school just everything about it, bullying, the teachers... everything.

I always said when I had children of my own they would be in private education starting from nursery.

I have seen all the differences between state and private and believe me there are lots.

Vonklump · 26/05/2017 18:27

OP, has it occurred to you that you might be jealous?
Perhaps you secretly realise it would have been a beautiful tree swept school if you'd gone private.

Just saying.

Plunkette · 26/05/2017 18:32

But Volunteer my post shows that there are people who genuinely choose to state educate. Even though they have the option.

It's not a great attitude to assume that everyone is lying when they say they'd make different choices to you.

I live in a large house. I have friends who say they'd never choose to have a large house because they wouldn't want to deal with the cleaning. I don't automatically assume that they are lying because they are seething with envy and just don't have the money.

Not everyone makes the same choices as us. It's fairly rude to automatically assign them the worst possible motives for those decisions.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/05/2017 18:35

Well thanks for me-railing my thread Volunteer.

You don't seem to have any manners at all, and I thought private education was pretty hot on those.

OP posts:
Plunkette · 26/05/2017 19:00

It's an interesting subject though bibbity and the by play with Volunteer has rather nicely illustrated a key point.

If you assume that your particular choices in life are the best ones and genuinely can't imagine anyone choosing differently given the opportunity you probably also assume that everyone else is desperately envious of you.

I know a very nice chap who is a consultant doctor. He's lovely apart from one little blind spot. He always assumes that he is by far the cleverest person in any room. The reason for this is that he genuinely can't imagine why, if you were clever enough to study medicine, that you would do anything else. So standing in a room full of very successful lawyers, engineers, scientists, academics and business people he assumes that they are all a) not as bright as him and b) envious of him.

I laughed in his face when I discovered this little quirk of his, but a bit like Volunteer he assumed I was dissembling.

(and before anyone jumps on me no of course not all doctors think this way)

To automatically assume that everyone is envious of your status or possessions demonstrates a very narrow world view. What I consider "best" for my family may be completely opposite to what you consider "best" for yours - it doesn't necessarily mean that either of us are wrong.

Rainbunny · 26/05/2017 19:09

A variation on the "you're just jealous" theme concerns my colleague who is basically a total bitch towards everyone but she likes to tell me how all her friends are male because women view her as competition so they feel insecure (she is fairly pretty, not stunning but a natural blonde and she seems to think she is intimidatingly beautiful). Nope dear, you're not friends with other women because you're relentlessly nasty.