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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'I don't drive' is not a valid excuse?

534 replies

peppatax · 26/05/2017 08:40

Two parts to this really, I don't know many adults that don't drive to ask but if you don't drive, can I ask why not?

Second part I guess is if you don't drive, do you expect others to accommodate you or make allowances for you solely on the basis of not driving?

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 26/05/2017 09:16

I can drive but prefer not to. I will do short trips (eg home from the pub so my partner can have a drink). He does all the long drives. I have chosen to live in an area with good public transport to make this easier.

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2017 09:16

Don't know if you or your colleague are unreasonable.

Not being able to easily get your DC to school is a massive massive stress. Been there, done that. Awful. So probably not unreasonable for her to have a moan.

Taxi was late = annoying. She should order it earlier, but still, annoying and moan-worthy, bad start to day etc. Just normal conversation?

If her life becomes significantly inconvenienced AND she really does only not want to be bothered rather than having another more personal reason for not wanting to learn - finances, fear, anxiety, medical issue - then she'll probably learn in the end.

But bear in mind A LOT of drivers are very judgemental of non-drivers (as you can see by the strength of feeling on this thread) and so she may not feel like confiding in you that she's scared/anxious/poor.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 09:16

It's an odd thing to ask in any place Confused

What you are essentially doing is asking people to justify their decision just because you have a moany colleague

FuckingDingDong · 26/05/2017 09:17

Although I've got a licence, living in London driving is an unnecessary expense and an inconvenience. OH has a car, so if we go anywhere that needs a car we use that. Not having a car each has meant we have been able to pay the mortgage off by the age of 40.

DawnOfTheMombie · 26/05/2017 09:18

Can't afford it. That simple.

FloweringDeranger · 26/05/2017 09:18

ToastDemon said it much better than me!

silkpyjamasallday · 26/05/2017 09:18

I got a car for my 17th birthday, but had an awful awful instructor and despite all my friends being 6 months younger than me they all passed their tests before he had let me do reversing around corners. I can drive perfectly well as I went out all the time with my DF but I don't have a license. My car now belongs to my DB who has passed his test, but he had motivation to learn as his girlfriend lives an hours drive away. I left for uni in London before I could take my test and I live in the centre of our town now with family walking distance away so I have no need to drive. I also much prefer being driven! We plan on moving back to London in the next few years so I just don't see the point when I can use the tube or buses. If I want to go further afield the DP drives, this is also good as he is an irritating drunk and he can't drink if he's driving. I don't drink so if I could drive I'd end up doing it constantly and I'm not up for that.

Greyponcho · 26/05/2017 09:18

There is a difference between "can't drive" and "don't drive".
^^this.

HTH.

corythatwas · 26/05/2017 09:19

And you are sure that no colleague ever moans about being late because their car broke down or because they got stuck in a traffic jam? Because I still think you see this as something different and talking about it doesn't count as moaning.

Like the people who think it's perfectly legit to not be able to walk half a mile in light snow to work (though perfectly able-bodied), but think it shows a lack of independence if a non-driving friend can't make a venue deep in the countryside without a lift.

corythatwas · 26/05/2017 09:20

ToastDemon Fri 26-May-17 09:15:37
"I actually think it's a shame that driving is seen so much as the default that it's being described as a necessary life skill and that one needs to have a valid reason not to do it.

The road network here in the South East is a nightmare of congestion. Pollution levels are far too high in most cities and towns. It kills and seriously injures thousands every year.
This needs to change. I think it will change, in future."

THIS.

ToastDemon · 26/05/2017 09:20

Flowering I actually thought you said it better than me Grin

Madhairday · 26/05/2017 09:20

I can drive but don't due to the meds I'm on for chronic illness. They make me dozy and frankly dangerous so I'd be wrong to drive. Haven't driven for around 2 years now because of this.

I don't expect to be ferried around but people are always offering and insisting. I have some nice friends so I say yes and thank you but when I feel well enough I'm happy to do train and bus which are easily accessible for me. Dh drives me around very happily too and does all taxiing for the kids. I'm lucky I guess but I'm very careful not to be entitled at all. Your colleague sounds annoying.

BluePeppers · 26/05/2017 09:20

I know a few people who don't drive. They are people who have tried several times and have struggle like hell and never managed to pass their driving licence.

They normally have organised their life around the fact they don't drive. Living in town center rather than the suburbs, internet shopping, being close to a bus route etc... They've never used the 'not driving' as an excuse.
The only time I saw it being an issue is when work has been organising something out of town and they then needed a lift.

Judydreamsofhorses · 26/05/2017 09:20

I don't drive - I had a load of lessons in my early 20s and was such a nervous driver that I stopped because it was making me ill. (By that point I'd had about 30 and could still barely work the car.) I live ten minutes walk from the city centre and walk everywhere, I genuinely can't remember the last time I was in a car. My partner also doesn't drive - grew up in the town centre, never bothered at university. The only time I think it would be useful is for supermarket shopping, which we do online anyway. I don't think we could afford to run a car anyway, certainly not to have it sit outside the door for 95% of the time.

nakedscientist · 26/05/2017 09:20

I don't drive and it is really annoying when my bus takes ages because of all the traffic on the road.

Couldn't all these drivers leave their cars at home and walk, cycle, bus or train it thus saving us all time and possibly saving the planet?

GoldSpot · 26/05/2017 09:21

Goady much, OP?

Massive driving anxiety here - to the point where my legs shake uncontrollably.

I am fully independent and do not use it as an 'excuse'. I use public transport, walk and the occasional taxi.

MaroonPencil · 26/05/2017 09:21

I "don't drive" - passed my test at 18 after three tries, was not v good - ended up in a ditch once - went to uni for three years where students were heavily discouraged from having cars, then lived in London for ten years where having a car would be pointless. Now I cycle, walk or use public transport.

I think society should not be run in such a way that there is a presumption that you should drive, and in fact not to drive is some kind of moral failing. There should be better public transport, thinking of the environment generally. So while I don't think it's on to ask people for lifts all the time, I also think it's justified to have a little moan about being disadvantaged as a non driver due to the crapness of public transport.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 26/05/2017 09:21

Wasn't allowed to learn as a young person because driving was only for males. Lived in a big city where driving was not common (no place to keep a car) and I had no money for lessons / to buy a car. Now I'm too scared because I've seen so many accidents. I rarely ask for lifts - I live near stations or buses. When I do get lifts I always contribute for fuel, or give gifts or buy lunch or read maps. Unless I'm with my partner where I contribute meaningfully through back-seat driving.

shesnotme · 26/05/2017 09:22

I do drive. I was late to it, 26. I struggled for lots of reasons, its not simple for everyone

sobeyondthehills · 26/05/2017 09:23

My DP can drive, but there is this pesky law about having a licence and passing a test which he hasn't done, no real reason, well not having enough money to do the driving lessons and then insurance, but I do drive. He also prefers to cycle a lot of places

80sMum · 26/05/2017 09:23

I didn't learn to drive until I was 27, because I couldn't afford lessons until then. By that time I had a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old and struggling with kids, buggy and shopping getting on and off buses (in those days you had to fold buggies on buses and ram them between your knees, with child on your lap) was enough incentive to make me determined to learn!

holeinmypocket · 26/05/2017 09:23

I am a terrible driver, I have to drive at work and they sent me on a driving course. The instructor recommended I have further training and now the ounce of confidence I had is shattered. I guess some of us just don't have it and you are safer because of it.

user1495522824 · 26/05/2017 09:23

I registered a day or two ago and haven't had time to craft a name yet, sorry for being a "user"! I am horribly dyspraxic and through sheer bloody-mindedness I passed my driving test. I also now own a rather elderly car that just about does me for the few local journeys I know well and which I feel happy to do. I passed at 22, now nearly 27. I cannot afford to run my car for more than that and neither the OAP car nor I actually want to do it.
It takes me a long time to learn and feel happy with routes and I actually find sat-nav makes it worse. My confidence does not increase with learning big journeys, the thought of having to do them stresses me out instead. I like being able to drive but I don't push my boundaries- my life and the lives of those around me are precious and it only takes one mistake. I use trains and walk as much as I can and have spent my life battling attitudes like the OPs towards every seemingly "easy" thing I struggle with, including explaining to a new colleague 4 times recently that I don't just "know a route when I drive it once". Posts like the OPs make me feel burdensome.

kel1493 · 26/05/2017 09:24

I don't drive because I didn't want to learn (I prefer to have a drink rather than drive personally). Plus I couldn't afford a car, certainly not at this point in my life. My husband had lessons but never actually took his test, as he has a sleep condition which means he would rather not drive. My mum doesn't drive as she never wanted to learn either.
I don't expect other people to make allowances for me, but if I am going to see someone they obviously know that we rely on public transport to et around, so it will take us longer.
I'm not sure what your actual question is though op?

allowlsthinkalot · 26/05/2017 09:25

I don't drive because I tried to learn at 17 like everyone else, was shit at it and failed three tests. I also wasn't really encouraged and parents wouldn't take me out to practise etc.

Since then I haven't been able to afford to learn. I have just started lessons again at the age of 37 but the cost is crippling. And I'm still shit at it.