To be extremely upset that DD wants to go to a local, not very well-respected uni?

[HarryandHolly72]

Hi, DD is heading off to uni in September; she is 19. She has some great A-Levels (AAA) and could pick some better unis! She wasn't ready to move out so held back for a year and has worked and has saved about 6k. She claims she still isn't ready to move out but really wants to head off to uni now. I think it's such a waste

I'm not going to put the uni name as I don't think it's fair to people studying there, but it isn't the most respected and is pretty low down. She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).

She doesn't want to move to the campus either. She is helpful around the house and does her bit, so it's not because I don't want her here. I just think it's a huge waste.

AIBU?

Uni can be so stressful and if she feels she needs to stay at home to help manage it I think this is a huge consideration. No point her leaving home and struggling as this can affect her grades. She can always change unis in her 2nd year if she feels more emotionally able to cope away from home.

I wouldn't worry too much about her leaving home as she can do this once she graduates.

You could encourage her to move out during her course but if she only has a part time job what about rent?

At her age I wasn't ready to leave and didn't until I was 25!

It might be worth considering that someone getting a degree in a STEM subject (excluding medicine) from a former poly (a post 92 university) is more likely to get a graduate job and earn a higher salary than an arts and humanities graduate from one of the top 13 universities.

This is from the Sutton Trust's research into graduate employment.

Yet all the time parents agree to their kids pushing off to Bristol to do an English degree, despite their prospects being far more reduced by such a choice than your DD's are by doing a Science degree at home.

You don't have to move away from your home town to grow up. Many people live in their home town all their lives. Most people will end up living within 15 miles of their home town as adults.

As someone who did a STEM subject, at an old poly, followed by a post grad at a non-RG uni (but respected in my chosen topic)...I still walked into the company that I wanted, a few months after graduating. Nobody cared that I'd gone to an old poly...and I think the lecturers were superb. (I have studied at 3 universities and my experience at the poly was undoubtedly the best. And I'm not just saying that. They set me up for my career superbly.)

DD1 did go to uni in our home town. We said she could live at home if she wanted too. However she decided she wanted to go into Halls as she felt she would be more independent there. Her halls were actually only 20 minutes walk from home. So if she felt the need she could easily come home

OP I think YABU because you don't seem to have a clear idea of what a good university experience looks like for her, beyond "morw prestigious".

A few things -

The Russell Group is a self-constituted group of research-intensive universities. This makes them rich and powerful - but not necessarily better, especially from a teaching POV. I have taught at an RG institution and former poly. The ex poly has undoubtedly stronger student support and a better-thought-out curriculum. Also, the top-flight professors at an RG university often have little contact with students, particularly first years. At my former poly institution, every member of staff publishes and teaches. At our local RG place, they use their research grants to buy in non-research-active staff who are not strong enough to land lectureships to do their teaching for them.

Secondly, the HE landscape is changing rapidly and in an austerity world, many more students are choosing to save money by going local. In my first year in academia, I remember there was one lad in my tutor group with a local accent. Now there are many more. The "experience" of university is changing and you may find she is not the only one.

That said, her reasons for going sound like excuses. They are not unique to her chosen institution for sure. If you really care, research some actual alternatives and have a reasoned, non-judgemental discussion about it all.

Oh and PS - I went to Oxford and recently met up with 2 friends from uni days. One works for the local council, another is a sahm. Both said they did not have a good time and would as soon have gone elsewhere.

Has she just stayed home and worked during gap year? No travel abroad? Visiting friends who have already moved away?

Could you encourage her to make the most of the summer and to go somewhere? She could join an organised trip if she felt like she needed to but perhaps a few weeks in an overground gap year style trip somewhere would broaden her horizons, build her confidence about meeting new people and starting afresh somewhere?
Something like oasis overland trips? Could do Europe or much further afield?

Does she know what she hopes to do with her degree? Are there any employers she's considering?

Just wondering if it's worth her finding out if they have a uni preference for recruiting from? Or a preference in where a degree is from

I think you're doing the right thing OP by asking her if she's sure of her choice and it's good you can have open and honest chats with her.

Does she have any friends from last year that are at other uni's maybe encouraging a visit to see campus life

If she looks at some of the biomed courses they run over two days (designed for pt students to access too). She could travel futher and still live at home if she was only heading in a couple of days a wk

OP, the fact the course needs BCC to get into is not because it's not a good uni but because it's not an over subscribed course (think vetinary science requires higher grades than medicine because there are less places available). Hope that made sense which multiple 'not's'!

Personally, if this was my DD, I would look at the positives- she has researched why she wants to go there and she won't build up massive debts. She could still move out into halls/share a house in 2nd or 3rd year.

Nowadays, i think reducing debt is more important than the university 'experience', at the end of the day, the aim is to get a degree, not get wasted, take drugs and flunk out of her first year trying out different courses.

My offer was also BCC in biochemistry for a RG university, can't say whether it would've been better to go somewhere else or not because I didn't go into laboratory research. I did go into clinical research and now when I recruit I would look at work experience, examples of proactivity or using initiative and degree result rather than which university.

Biochemistry is a good and sought after degree. There are many job options after.
I have a degree and PhD in a similar discipline and work in biotech where we hire lots of graduates/masters/PhDs in biochemistry.
However it is competitive and the degree really matters.

All of our junior employees graduated from RG unis, often with a year placement in industry, and this is what makes all the difference.
Your DD has great grades at this point and has every opportunity to go far in biochem. But if she opts for a lower level uni, it will make a difference to her future opportunities (I can give reasons, if you're interested). If she does an ordinary degree, her options will be very limited compared to an honours degree at a RG Uni.
However, it is not all about the career options, I just thought I'd offer my opinion that you are right to worry and question the basis for her choice. Her happiness is definitely more important though.

Why would the DD being do an ordinary degree not an honours degree!?

Honours degrees are the norm everywhere. They're not something particular to RG universities.

Yabu. Its her life. I know of someone who always had a difficult relationship with a parent because that parent didnt support their choice of career. Not quite the same but not all that different. YWBVVVU to let her know that you are disappointed in her

I went to a university that was around 80th on the tables and had the most wonderful time and made friends for life including the staff. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I now attend a very prestigious university for a Masters and I had no problems getting in- yet on the flip side people are cold and competitive and I would kill to return to my previous university if only they offered the course.

Yes if she's in a competitive field then it might be worth encouraging her to go somewhere 'good' but be warned the top universities don't have the nicest environments.

I went to a low-rated local uni and went on to do a PhD. Local uni was great, low-stress and fantastic pastoral care since there were very few students who were academic. I did my MSc in a 'top' uni and it was awful, 200 students in a lecture, 40 students in a tutorial, no one on one time at all, everyone stressed and competitive.

If someone has a good work ethic there's no reason they can't get a first or 2.1. At 18 most people are capable of independent study and don't need hand holding. If she intends to pursue the kind of career that requires postgrad then it really doesn't matter where she does her undergrad. No one ever asks where I did my undergrad work.

Sheesh. I understand the angst from the viewpoint of a tiger mom but frankly I think you are missing the point and misguiding your daughter.

What's the point in life if not to be happy and learn from experiences, all the more valuable when they are borne of our own free will and choice?

It's not as if your dd is going to be in the breadline as a result of her "poor" choices. She'll still have a decent career in all probability, all things considered.

I totally get your desire to want the "best" future for your dd, any good parent would want that without doubt. But don't underestimate happiness in favour of a high flying career. Try to separate your ambition from your dds.

Also, think about whether you are willing to pay the price on your relationship with your dd. Because there will be a price whether you accept it now or not.

Even if your dd, in hindsight, regrets her decisions, she will regret then as HER decisions.
However, if she regrets decisions that she was pushed into... well, that's a whole different story.

Universities are nearly all charging 9k a year fees so surely they are all the same quality, right?

I hope in the future all job applications will be institution-blind - some employers are implementing this now, because it is a serious barrier to diversity in any workplace.

What school and university you went to is so influenced by what class you are and how much money your family have.

In the OP's case though their DC may be making a sensible choice. Go somewhere you really want to and doing want you really want to study gives you the best chance of getting a first.

i just think staying at home for uni, unless there are needs for mental or physical support, or really severe money issues where you simply can't afford it and can't get the appropriate funding, is a waste of an experience. uni is not just the degree. not to mention 3 a at A level is great and she could be at a really well respected uni with people who also are high achievers, meaning a more competitive atmosphere and more chance to excel. this is juts my opinion. i don't think it helps anyone to be the 3 A-grade student on the course where you need 3 D-grades, this may be controversial but i think a bit of competition is healthy

I very much agree with this.

I'm a bit shocked by the people saying 'she's not ready'. She is 19! It is completely normal here (Aus) to go to university at 17.

I moved 600 km from home to go to university aged 17 years and 3 months. I love my family, but making life choices based (partly) on wanting to live with my mum at age 19 would not have crossed my mind.

At 18-22 you are still inexperienced.

I did an economics degree which really was a waste of time. However I knew i needed a degree and that I was going to work so I called up graduate recruitment people in a sample of potential employers and asked them what they wanted. It was all the same. Anything from Oxbridge or a traditional subject from a red brick graded 2:1 or above or 2:2 if high A'Levels.

Personally I think she has good reasons but I think you have to start the conversation with 'what is your end goal' and then ask her if this will get her there.

I would also suggest you take her to some higher ranking universities for a visit. There is an RG university somewhat close to all parts of the country. Visiting these places might help her feel more at ease.

Well maybe someone else might have a different path in life than you. Young people can't afford their own places and extended families are starting to live together more, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Going away to university is not a universal rite of passage. It's something that was possible for mostly middle class white kids in a few countries from the 20th century.

I did what OP's DD has done. I started at Extremely Prestigious Uni but for various reasons transferred to (& finished at) Not-So-Hot Uni near home. My parents were dismayed.

Best Decision Ever. No regrets.

Sure. There are loads of well-paid but dull and stressful "good" jobs out there if you take the well-trodden path of getting a 2:1 in an arts subject at a RG university. However, the people who seem to really enjoy their work and end up being leaders in their field have often taken a road less travelled to get there.

YABU

To call it Uni.

Young people can't afford their own places and extended families are starting to live together more, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

I couldn't afford 'my own place', either. I lived at university halls and worked two jobs to pay for it, while studying full time.

I think 19 is very late to be baulking at living independently, that's all.