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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely upset that DD wants to go to a local, not very well-respected uni?

161 replies

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:18

Hi, DD is heading off to uni in September; she is 19. She has some great A-Levels (AAA) and could pick some better unis! She wasn't ready to move out so held back for a year and has worked and has saved about 6k. She claims she still isn't ready to move out but really wants to head off to uni now. I think it's such a waste Sad

I'm not going to put the uni name as I don't think it's fair to people studying there, but it isn't the most respected and is pretty low down. She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).

She doesn't want to move to the campus either. She is helpful around the house and does her bit, so it's not because I don't want her here. I just think it's a huge waste.

AIBU?

OP posts:
waterrat · 25/05/2017 16:05

Bcc is low achieving isn't it ? So it won't be a rewarding experience intellectually as a straight a student she will be with much lower achieving students .

Chathamhouserules · 25/05/2017 16:05

But ultimately you can only go so far with trying to demonstrate the potential benefits I suppose and if she really doesn't want to move out then you'll have to accept it.

ALittleMop · 25/05/2017 16:06

Do you agree that she isn't ready to move out? Have you talked about that at all from the point of view of that alone, as opposed to her academic aspirations?

It may be that she has made a mature and accurate assessment of what she can manage, or it may be that she needs a bit of a loving push.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 25/05/2017 16:07

I think the point is that pretty much all unis have/say they have those things now, so going to one and not visiting or considering others doesn't allow her to see that. There are very few that don't have work placements/internships/volunteering opportunities as they are ranked by employability in league tables.

It might be worth looking the course up though in the specific subject tables rather than just going off the overall uni rankings (formally or in your mind). There are lots of non RG and other unis which are not ranked that well overall but have very good departments with excellent job/career opportunities as they are known within the field- could it be one of those?

I think people saying 'none of your business' are a little daft as she is effectively announcing she is going to be living at home for another three years (which may or may not be ok for you depending on what your plans are), plus I understand your concern about her not pushing forward into the world by herself.

If she's motivated though, and keen to do well, this does not sound like quite the disastrous option you think it is. I would be cross too though that she wasn't even considering elsewhere and genuinely comparing courses.

Reow · 25/05/2017 16:09
Biscuit
LeftoverCrabsticks · 25/05/2017 16:10

I went to the nearest uni and stayed at home for the first year so I could be near my boyfriend. Our relationship didn't last the first year, by the end of it we were long split up and I'd met somebody on the Internet(!) and ended up transferring in the second year to a uni hundreds of miles away to go to his uni.

New boyfriend turned out to be somewhat abusive as it turned out, and we barely lasted once I'd moved in with him, but by that point I had left home and stuck it out at the other uni, struggling to make friends due to the somewhat epic nature of my break-up.

Both universities were of about the same equivalence, but I could have got into a better one had I not kept letting my heart rule my head all the time. I'd probably have had a lot more fun if I'd followed my head, but there is no way to know.

However twenty years later I don't think my choice of university affected my career in any way, it just impacted on my level of enjoyment of that time of my life. My career (technology) would have been the same regardless. My DH has a tech degree from a very prestigious uni and has had the same opportunities post grad as me. He's only done better with his career so far as he didn't take time out to SAH.

My biggest problem post uni was the debt, so if she's living with you that's a massive deal!

I would feel disappointed too, but ultimately I think she'll be okay so long as it's an actual degree.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 25/05/2017 16:11

I would make it very clear to her that if she is applying for jobs in the future, that the choice of a BCC university is likely to have a negative impact on the chance of her getting an interview.

I also wonder whether she might be happier taking a non-university route? I listened to Dr Alison Woollard on Radio 4's The Life Scientific and she started off working in labs first before she realised she wanted to study the subject and went to uni - it could be a way for your daughter to gain confidence to study, or alternatively it might end up being a great career path for her without significant student debt.

TheFairyCaravan · 25/05/2017 16:13

DS1 has AAA at A level. He had a place at a really good university but decided to defer for a year and try to join the army. He got into the army, he's been in 3 years now. We weren't upset at all.

You can't live your children's lives for them. They have to make their own choices.

SleightOfHand · 25/05/2017 16:17

OP, you sound a bit contradictory, on the one hand you say the Uni isn't good enough for her, then you say she's being too ambitious going for that particular course.
I do think you need to leave her to it really.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 16:18

women in STEM organisation- Athena SWAN? Most unis are involved with this, definitely not a reason in itself to attend on over another.
placement year option, again very common. I'm struggling to see how this would appeal to her so much given that she doesn't even want to leave home!
The support wrt finding jobs. I don't know about this, she would have to be specific about what they offer that other unis don't.
New science block built- could be anything really. 'Science block' is far too general a term when it comes to a university. Had she said " they have recently got a millon pound microscope that's going to massively impact research done in the department" it might have been different.

Colacolaaddict · 25/05/2017 16:19

It's a solid list of reasons to be fair. Year in industry is a fantastic thing and really is the making of some people. If she has the gumption to do that (and it's far easier not to bother, they can be competitive to find) then that weighs heavily in her favour.

And even if it is just that she doesn't feel ready to spread her wings too far yet, maybe that's ok. Do you think it's about finances, either yours or hers? If so it's important to unearth that, so it can be discussed.

DS is bright but has autistic tendencies. Uni while living at home would be a huge achievement as far as I'm concerned and from here it looks like an easy compromise to make, but I realise I may have thought differently before DS.

Abitofaproblem · 25/05/2017 16:19

I

stuntcamel · 25/05/2017 16:21

OP, this needs to be her decision. It really, really does.

And she NEEDS to know that her family will be supporting her decision, no matter what. Otherwise she will go through life thinking that whatever she does, it will never be good enough for you, and she has failed you in some way.

Abitofaproblem · 25/05/2017 16:21

Sorry pressed too soon. I would strongly discourage her. When she graduates and if she wants to carry on in postgraduate studies, a good name university will put her in a much stronger position.

Original poster
HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 16:23

Where did I say she was being too ambitious for that course?? I don't at all, it only needs a BCC.

She also likes that she can pick the modules but I don't know if that's so good as yes there are lots of good modules but they let you pick ecology as a module??

Placement year she would live at home as it would be local.

Hmm, I suppose the majority think I should leave her to it. I might talk to her about transferring, etc.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 16:23

Heyho. How is it all about the op? Had op come on saying she couldn't bear to part with her dd and wanted her to go to the nearest uni, despite the entry requirements being well below what her dd got, then I could see it but she isn't saying that. It sounds like op just wants what's best for her dd.

zzzzz · 25/05/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reetgood · 25/05/2017 16:31

I think you should talk to her about it more. I know some of my friends were apprehensive about leaving home, it's a big change, but regretted staying closer to home. At the least I'd encourage her to make applications and view other universities so she can really get a sense of what she's turning down.

If you do talk to her, focus on listening and don't put in your opinions. What are her reasons for wanting to stay closer to home? Would she be willing to consider some further afield (because then she can make an informed decision rather than one based possibly on what's familiar). Has she talked to some biochemistry grads? It's her choice but you can support her in making an informed choice.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 16:32

In her first year the majority of her modules will probably be core with some that she can chose herself. By far the more important are the core ones and she needs to know that they include things she's interested in.

I'm definitely in the minority here op! I wouldn't just let her get on with it. Going to the local uni, which is way below her grades in terms of entry requirements,for the reason that she isn't ready to leave home is silly. To not even visit any other universities is madness!

Hogterm · 25/05/2017 16:32

What do you think the real reasons for her picking that course are? Fear of leaving home? Not wanting to leave friends or boyfriend? Sensible avoidance of debt? Genuine appeal of the course?

You know her best. I think the real reason influences the response I would give you. In the end it's her life but I do think you should make sure she knows the consequences of her choices so she can make a fully informed decision.

Original poster
HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 16:33

Her reasons for staying at home:

  • she can see me and her sister a lot
  • she can keep her part-time job
OP posts:
Original poster
HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 16:33
  • she doesn't have to take out a living loan

There is no boyfriend in the picture

OP posts:
GwenStaceyRocks · 25/05/2017 16:34

Hmm, I think you support her in her choice. Once she has started and feels comfortable at university, you can then encourage her to think about a year abroad or about transferring. I think you can make a 'poorer' university work for you if you're proactive.

Italiangreyhound · 25/05/2017 16:36

YANBU to feel disappointed by you cannot chose for her.

So just make sure she has thought it all through and support her as much as you can.

SuburbanRhonda · 25/05/2017 16:38

I believe it's important to look at what each person is capable of and she is capable of more.

She might think you're capable of more too - more respect for her choice, which, according to you, she's done her research on.

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