To be extremely upset that DD wants to go to a local, not very well-respected uni?

[HarryandHolly72]

Hi, DD is heading off to uni in September; she is 19. She has some great A-Levels (AAA) and could pick some better unis! She wasn't ready to move out so held back for a year and has worked and has saved about 6k. She claims she still isn't ready to move out but really wants to head off to uni now. I think it's such a waste

I'm not going to put the uni name as I don't think it's fair to people studying there, but it isn't the most respected and is pretty low down. She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).

She doesn't want to move to the campus either. She is helpful around the house and does her bit, so it's not because I don't want her here. I just think it's a huge waste.

AIBU?

I would get her to look at other courses which fit her criteria, so she's got something to compare it to. Nothing she's described about the course sounds very unique to the university.

If I'm honest she sounds like she might be just a bit scared of change. You can go further afield and still be able to come back at weekends. I kept my part time job at home by returning to work there in the holidays. Most universities have fairly long holidays, it's not like she'd be away from you forever. You'll know her better than internet randoms, but sometimes a little nudge is a good thing. And if she does end up going to local uni, you'd know that she's at least gone through the motions of considering other options.

Where did I say she was being too ambitious for that course?? Here:She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).*

I don't understand why ecology is a bad module?

I don't think yabu to worry about this. It's only natural that you want what you think is the best thing for her.

I wouldn't get involved though. If she's a straight A student she must be pretty bright. Bright enough to choose her own path hopefully.

Fwiw, I went to a great uni and have never been able to find a decent job. There are many reasons for this, (having a family, moving for DH's job etc), but aside from making friends and meeting my DH, getting into a top uni didn't do a lot for me.

I've been to job interviews and they've said "oh so you went to x uni" and been interested in it, but it really is just a passing comment. It doesn't mean all that much on its own to employers if your cv says that you went to a great, or not so great uni. They want the whole package, which makes perfect sense.

It's way more important that she have a plan of action in place for once she graduates and spends her degree working towards it.

Living at home will save her a lot of money. If I was going to uni now I would definitely not choose to pay for accommodation on top of the hefty fees top unis now charge. She's probably being quite savvy.

She's done really well saving 6k. Is there a particular reason she's so adverse to taking out a loan? Is she saving for a house deposit maybe?

Uni is an awful lot of money, is it possible that she's worried about that and is wanting to keep costs as low as possible?

Some sensible things she's thinking about there - eg she can keep her job.

Maybe she'll thrive at this uni and come out with a first.

Sleight op is stating a fact, biochemistry is competitive and hard to get into (at top unis. She also says that her dd has 3 A's so is absolutely not being over ambitious for the course. She is selling herself short going for a uni with much lower requirements just do she can keep a part time job. Is her part time job in a lab?

I had a very smart housemate at a good uni who got much better grades than me but ended up dropping out because she was homesick

A few years later she went to her hometown uni and actually completed a degree

Picking a town you'll be happy living in for 3/4 years is as important as picking the right subject/course. You can't do well if you're somewhere you are miserable being!

It's odd that she hasn't even visited any other unis. I remember visiting quite a few so I had a basis for comparison. The pros she lists for her local uni are all pretty generic, I'm sure lots of other unis have those attributes.

Does she suffer from anxiety about visiting others? Or does she not want her decision to be tested by seeing somewhere better?

I'd want my child to make an informed choice and that involves considering the alternatives. If she sees them and wants to stay local, or take another year out to prepare, that's one thing, but to decide against a better uni without seeing it seems unwise.

Also will she be ready to move out in another three years when she starts work? What needs to change to help her feel ready? I'm not suggesting she gets pushed out - she might be making a wise decision to not push herself too far, I knew a few people who crumbled at uni - but that it would be good to work towards building her resilience and independence.

I was delighted to leave home for uni, I couldn't wait to go, but I was v surprised in freshers week when the majority of my hall travelled home to visit their parents the first weekend! Going away to uni can mean different things - I knew students who visited home every week or every fortnight. It might help to discuss some different options with your daughter.

My first degree is biochemistry and I now work in research (not in that field). I would absolutely agree that a good (RG) university is needed for that degree, especially if a student was then wanting to go into research.

In my department on our post grad courses we don't even consider a student from a non-RG university and definitely not from an ex poly.

People can whinge that it is unfair and intellectual snobbery all they want, but we want the very best and most committed students as we are investing a lot of time and effort into them.

Op, as others have said, can she go to a uni fairly close to home, but living away, so she can still see you all regularly.

My DS is finishing 1st year doing Chemistry at a good uni, under an hours drive, similar on train to nearest main station. We have seen him loads, been over there for day trips, or he has come home, sometimes just overnight, my DH also went a couple of evenings (tied in with bringing stuff back at holidays). In fact in spring term we saw him almost weekly for various reasons, but not at all since Easter as he revising and now working weekends. We also whatsapp and facetime loads.

He worked in 6th form, we weren't that bothered if he worked at uni, and actively discouraged it initially whilst he settled in. He has recently started back with his former employer, but in uni city. So he will go back and forth in summer hols, to do weekend work and any weekday shifts he can pick up. But a lot of his school friends go back to their old 6th form jobs in holidays, would that be a possibility for your DD?

He has had a ball. Never been a lads lad, but made loads of friends, male and female, out partying a lot, but also has a strong work ethic. Still waiting to find out exactly when we will see him after exams finish next week - depends on end of year social life I think!!!!!

He is hoping to do 3rd year in placement, and will consider overseas as well as UK.

I think if your DD intends to stay at home even for placement year, that is very sad. I know everyone is different and I took a while to settle at my uni, but am so glad I left home and got that independence and am so glad DS is doing it. He has definitely grown as a person since Sept.

I'm a university lecturer, have taught in lots of different institutions - some top tier, some decidedly ordinary - and am involved in advising high schol students.

There's no such thing as a "better" or "best" university. There's a better or best university for any given student. And when people talk about a "better" institution, what they actually mean is "more prestigious".

More prestigious can be great. It opens certain doors, and if you're ambitious that's a very good thing. But more prestigious can also means a lot of stress, a competitive atmosphere between students, and a dismissive attitude from staff towards struggling students. (The latter can be brutal at the very top). There is a certain type of student - low self confidence, not interested in a stellar career and the sacrifices that requires - for who a prestigious institution is a bad idea. I've seen several cases of students crashing and burning at elite institutions who would have donne extremely well somewhere less fancy.

It might be that your daughter is making a mistake, especially if she hasn't considered other options. But I'd be wary of the assumption that the right decision is always to go for the most prestigious institution you could get into.

We used to take a lot of convincing to hire Russell Group graduates. They all thought they were too clever for real work, useless in teams and moved on pretty quickly. Generally they thought they knew better and tried to show us new ways to do things - trouble was it wasn't what we wanted in safety critical systems.

If she has looked at a course and it fulfills her needs let her be happy.

I went to uni at 19 to do adult nursing and stayed at home, all placements were local, I had a part time job, my friends and family were all at home and it worked out best for me. I considered one other uni but it would have involved a bit more travel for classes and placements l unless I wanted to move out but at 19 I wasn't really ready to do that.

I am in the US so I don't know if this is even feasible in the UK.

How transferrable are course credits between universities in the UK? Here people can do basic courses at a community college (a bit like the old UK polys) and then transfer over to a regular university to finish out the degree. Is it possible for her to do one or two years at your local university and then transfer to one with a stronger reputation for biochemistry?

Are there any companies locally using biochemistry? Could she work for one of those for a couple of years (although at an entry level) to at least gain some industrial experience and maturity, then transfer to a university that is further away?

I chose a less than decent university and my parents forced me to pick a more prestigious one.

They said if I didn't they wouldn't financially help me in any way.

I'm the end I went to the university and did the course they suggested.

I'm so so grateful they protected me from making an awful decision. I wasn't mature enough to make that decision at 18.

I've now got a professional qualification that actually leads of a job.

I was in a similar situation as your DD a few years ago and I can tell you now that if my mother hadn't pushed me as hard as she could to get me to leave I never would have. And that would have been a massive mistake on my part. I really didn't want to leave the town I lived in because I had a solid group of friends and the thought of leaving them and moving to a city (I'm from a tiny town) scared the sh*t out of me. I hated uni for 3 months but after that I loved it. I made some amazing friends (I'm still friends with my old group too), have a first class degree from a poly and 5 weeks after I finished I landed a job as a business manager for an SME. I would say from my experience to try and give her a little push. I really think she'd regret staying at home, you don't get the same social opportunities as those who move out and you also miss out on gaining some crucial life lessons such as managing budgets etc. Also the debt is not worth thinking about, I don't even feel it come out of my salary.

She doesn't actually sound ready to me. I have found with our 3 Dds that part of the uni experience was living away from home. That's when they grew up properly ( well nearly) and we're much more involved in uni life.
However although you can advise her the choice is hers

OP, I agree with PPs who say don't worry too much about the institution. Some of the highest fliers I know went to very ordinary unis and some of the Oxbridge graduates I know are still on average salaries or haven't progressed in their careers.

But I don't agree with some PPs that it's not your business. It is your home and you have the right to reasonably expect your child to start to make the transition to adulthood after school ends. I'd never suggest kicking a child out aged 18 but gently questioning why they don't want to spread their wings is kind, I think. Not pushy at all.

Take a look at this book which explores reasons why children lack motivation at different stages of life, and how to encourage them to get out there and live fully. There's a lot about the transition to adulthood and it's easy to read and makes sense, I think.

www2.warwick.ac.uk/fac/sci/lifesci/study/ug/courses/

I did biosciences at RG uni with an optional placement year. It was great :) Check this out, a good placement year option and a strong respected department

Could she defer for a year, work full time and go when ready. Part time jobs are transferable too.

Yabvu her life, her choice!

Would you prefer she potentially go to the uni you like better and then drop out all together as she doesn't like it (granted it could be the other way round and she'd love it) but surely her being happy about her decision is the most important thing?

I went to the local uni and stayed at home as an undergrad and postgrad- my mum was overjoyed. I kept my part time job and left with minimal debt. Had a great uni experience. I don't feel I missed out at all- made fantastic friends. Landed the job I wanted after in a competitive field. Would be more than happy if a child of mine made the same decision. Having lost my mum, those years at home were better than any uni experience! Support your daughter and be glad that she wants to be at home with you!!

Well I may be the pushiest parent in the world (my DD is 1 so I have a way to go yet!) but I would be doing everything I could to pursuade her to choose a better uni. It'll make a huge difference to her employability. Adult or not, I'd be trying very hard to make sure she knew exactly why it's not a good idea.

Can you take her to some open days at better unis, let her look around and see if she likes it? Or suggest she defers a year and it'll give her time to think about her options.

There is no point in her spending £££ on a degree that just isn't very good.

Does she realise that degrees are not like a-levels, they are not all the same. It's not just that you've achieved a qualification level, the establishment that you got your degree makes a huge difference to employers.

If she wants to work in biochemistry, could you explain that the leading universities have access to the most eminent lectures in their field and often the best equipment too.