Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely upset that DD wants to go to a local, not very well-respected uni?

161 replies

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:18

Hi, DD is heading off to uni in September; she is 19. She has some great A-Levels (AAA) and could pick some better unis! She wasn't ready to move out so held back for a year and has worked and has saved about 6k. She claims she still isn't ready to move out but really wants to head off to uni now. I think it's such a waste Sad

I'm not going to put the uni name as I don't think it's fair to people studying there, but it isn't the most respected and is pretty low down. She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).

She doesn't want to move to the campus either. She is helpful around the house and does her bit, so it's not because I don't want her here. I just think it's a huge waste.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadySalmakia · 25/05/2017 15:47

Oh, and I know as I work in the university sector that even fairly pants unis can have strong departments in some areas, and that's something to take into account - but again, it doesn't sound like she has.

BlossomCat · 25/05/2017 15:48

My son wants to go to a university that no one has ever heard of in the arse end of nowhere.
Initially, I was also disappointed, as I thought that he could do 'better' but, it's a course he really wants to do, he's been to national open days for the subject and met the lecturers and current students, and came away even more determined to go there.

At present, I feel that the only option is to support his choice, and remember that being in a smaller organisation increases his chance of being supported by the faculty and that down the line, the result of his degree will be more important than where it came from.
I hear what you are saying Flowers

TrinityTaylor · 25/05/2017 15:49

i just think staying at home for uni, unless there are needs for mental or physical support, or really severe money issues where you simply can't afford it and can't get the appropriate funding, is a waste of an experience. uni is not just the degree. not to mention 3 a at A level is great and she could be at a really well respected uni with people who also are high achievers, meaning a more competitive atmosphere and more chance to excel. this is juts my opinion. i don't think it helps anyone to be the 3 A-grade student on the course where you need 3 D-grades, this may be controversial but i think a bit of competition is healthy

however, the uni might be better than you think, as league tables aren't everything. what are the facilities like? is it well regarded for science, perhaps, without being particularly well known? what does you dd say about her choice? could she maybe commute an hour or so on the train to a larger city with a better uni?

purplecoathanger · 25/05/2017 15:50

My cousin stayed at home and went to the local "not so good uni" to study chemistry. She's now a director of the company she works for and has done extremely well.

I understand that you want the best for DD but you must let her do it her way.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 15:51

The uni she attends will matter if she's doing biochemistry, it will make a difference what facilities the uni has, what research areas they specialise in etc. As pp says if she needed a degree from somewhere to fulfil a particular ambition that might be different but with this degree she needs to look at different universities, the facilities they have, the modules she will sit etc. It's also odd that she doesn't want t o leave home but really wants to go this year. Would another year at home (with many pen day visits)help?

Original poster
HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:51

I just asked her what she likes about the uni:

  • it has a specific women in STEM organisation thing.
  • she likes the placement year option.
  • she likes the support it has WRT finding jobs/volunteering/internships, etc.
  • it's recently had a new science block built.

I'm still not convinced! She has nothing to compare it to!! Don't most universities have these anyway?

OP posts:
YoloSwaggins · 25/05/2017 15:52

None of your business.

She's her mum and is providing a roof for her daughter, it literally IS her business! So British how people's families just "stay out"of things. Of course as a mum you want your kids to do the best and advise them on what that is. Whether she takes that advice, is up to her.

It is possible to transfer - my friend was doing Chemistry at Brighton and transferred to Cardiff after 1st year.

TrinityTaylor · 25/05/2017 15:52

purple - it's not about actually doing well eventually in your chosen career, my brother is a director of his firm now earning sickening amounts of money and he didn't even finish his btec course at college, he worked up from a tea boy in the office. it's more about the experience for me. it's really important to me for my kids to have that especially now days when they will maybe be moving home for a while after uni due to the housing market etc

Original poster
HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:52

The course requires BCC.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 25/05/2017 15:52

You are entitled to be upset.

You are not entitled to choose her university, or her job, or her husband.

Best not to go on about it to her.

surreygoldfish · 25/05/2017 15:53

I'm also in the camp of 'the type of uni' does matter. It's not always the case - particularly for certain subjects - but the academic ability of her peers will be closer to hers at a higher ranked uni and it will look better on the CV.

YoloSwaggins · 25/05/2017 15:54

*- it has a specific women in STEM organisation thing.

  • she likes the placement year option.
  • she likes the support it has WRT finding jobs/volunteering/internships, etc.
  • it's recently had a new science block built.*

So does Bath? (where I went)

These points (apart from the placement) are all a bit irrelevant - all unis are doing their bit to get women into STEM (for computer science, you can basically walk straight in) and facilities aren't that important.

TrinityTaylor · 25/05/2017 15:55

holly - yes I suppose you could say a large amount of unis will have a women/STEM encouragement of sorts, perhaps a lecturer who is particularly interested or a society, mine had a female engineers type society thing. nearly all worth their salt will have good facilities - brand new, maybe not though. most unis will proclaim to be excellent at finding jobs etc. nearly all have a placement year option

why is she so keen to stay at home? is there a boyfriend or girlfriend on the scene, a part time job she wants to keep, friends she feels particularly close to, a pet, a sibling or grandparent she supports? does she enjoy socialising/going out, will she be able to socialise with uni friends and be able to return home easily when everyone else is getting back to campus/halls?

DarkFloodRises · 25/05/2017 15:56

At least it seems that she has well thought out reasons for her choice (even if you don't agree with them).

nina2b · 25/05/2017 15:56

neonrainbow

None of your business. Have you always been a pushy parent?

Post 1 in response to the OP's perfectly justifiable question. What a wonderful response.

In other news... yes, OP, I would be disappointed as well given that your daughter must good grades. She should be going for an RG university because it is going to have a bearing on future employment. I would be encouraging her to apply to a respected university and also encouraging her to leave home and live on campus, if possible. She needs to spread her wings.

bibliomania · 25/05/2017 15:57

They aren't actually bad reasons, although the doing stuff for women in STEM should be fairly widespread, thanks to Athena SWAN.

I'm coming at it from a different perspective, in that I work in a university and through my role I encounter students who are really struggling and don't really want to be here. Things can go pretty horribly wrong.

If you push chicks out of the nest and many will fly, but there are quite a number of broken nestlings at the bottom of trees, from my experience. Let her be a judge for what she is robust enough to do.

nelipotter · 25/05/2017 15:57

I'm wondering a bit why you think one uni is better than another - the best unis don't necessarily reflect the value to students. For example, the uni I studied at was considered the best in my city - but it held that reputation because it was a research uni. That is, the majority of the money went to the post-grad students doing research, the professors, the international collaborations. Undergrad courses were underfunded and we were not very well supported.

In addition, because it had such a 'good' reputation, it meant that a lot of pushy parents and snobby kids went there, so in my field it ended up being a lot of entitled white kids who weren't really able to engage with some of the more cerebral material in nuanced ways. In can be quite frustrating discussing ethics with a room where 90% of people have the same outlook, upbringing and privileges.

An alternative uni, scoffed at by many of the same kids, was actually extremely practical and was very focused on pathways to careers.
I just mean to say that the experiences at uni are influenced by more than whether it is a 'good' uni, and indeed what you are studying may be better at a 'lesser' uni. There is a third uni in this city which is considered number one for law and medicine, although it rates 'lower' overall than the other two.

If she has the grades, then she should go for it. Apply for her top 4 unis in order and see what offers she gets.

Goldmandra · 25/05/2017 15:57

I have a DD in 2nd year of uni and she has made decisions I didn't agree with. I let her know what I thought and why and then I kept my thoughts to myself and supported her in the decisions she made.

There are things she has come back to me since and acknowledged were mistakes but she's learned from them which is all that really matters.

I'm sure you have said your piece to your DD so now is the time to support her to take the path she has chosen.

If, part way through to course, she decides that she would like to change to a different university, you can support her in that too.

If you say too much now and try to stop her taking the path she feels is right, it will be much harder for her to turn to you for support if she ever realises that she made a mistake and wants to move.

Like LadySalmakia says, she can always get an MA from somewhere else. People only ever look at the last thing you did.

Try to put your wishes to one side now and let her enjoy getting ready for the new chapter in her life.

SummerMummy88 · 25/05/2017 15:58

It's her choice, if she isn't ready to move out I wouldn't push her or you might end up pushing her to go when she's not ready and she may then quit the course a month in. She can always go to a better uni to do her masters or PHD if she chooses, it's not the end of the road for her.

TrinityTaylor · 25/05/2017 15:58

i was sort of the opposite, I applied for two red brick RG unis and if i didn't get in I wasn't going. my mum despaired as she thought i should have fall backs, for example a local Metropolitan. I suppose I was blinkered/a bit of a snob, but I was just 17. Luckily i got in but my mum must have been pulling her hair out, and rightly so as it IS her business in my opinion, just not her business what you actually get up to when you're there!!

nina2b · 25/05/2017 15:58

neonrainbow

None of your business. Have you always been a pushy parent?

Post 1 in response to the OP's perfectly justifiable question. What a wonderful response.

In other news... yes, OP, I would be disappointed as well given that your daughter has good grades. She should be going for an RG university because it is going to have a bearing on future employment. I would be encouraging her to apply to a respected university and also encouraging her to leave home and live on campus, if possible. She needs to spread her wings.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/05/2017 15:59

""I just asked her what she likes about the uni:

  • it has a specific women in STEM organisation thing.
  • she likes the placement year option.
  • she likes the support it has WRT finding jobs/volunteering/internships, etc.
  • it's recently had a new science block built.""

That sounds as though she's done her research, which earlier you said she hadn't.

Is there an issue with her continuing to stay at home? Unless there is, you need to accept her decision.

FuckingDingDong · 25/05/2017 15:59

She'll do better at somewhere she wants to go to, than somewhere she doesn't

Chathamhouserules · 25/05/2017 16:03

Most unis have Athena Swann initiatives which aims to promote women's achievements in stem subjects. The best unis have achieved gold status in this. E.g. Kcl, Ucl. And she would be working alongside/taught by inspiring women who might be leaders internationally in their field.
Tough one. I'd really encourage my dcs to move away for the experience. Sounds like she is v anxious about that. You don't want to make her feel like you're pushing her away if she's already a bit anxious about things, but I think quality of uni does make a difference.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 25/05/2017 16:04

This is all about You OP

YABU

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread