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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
jannier · 25/05/2017 17:26

You are exposing your child to seeing you be verbally abused, you are exposing your child to someone living an illegal lifestyle and presumably reeking of the stuff even if he didn't smoke in doors, You need to get rid of him or face having social service involvement as this is a form of neglect. Get real and get rid.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 17:27

Donald

Yeah, I am a bit finicky about the shoes because he just leaves them anywhere and it looks like a right mess. Never in pairs either, and then DD plays with them and moves them around...

But then I start going down the 'is it me? Am I too strict? Are my ways just so annoying I bring it on myself' route, which isn't helpful for me I don't think. It's very easy to do.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 25/05/2017 17:28

As a parent, you don't get to decide to stay with an abusive man because he sometimes makes you laugh or buys you a treat.

Your first duty is to your daughter. She has to come first.

She will learn to treat you with the contempt that this abuser treats you with.

velourvoyageur · 25/05/2017 17:28

Please leave him OP!

I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time

This isn't annoying, either.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 17:30

Wolfie I was on the pill but forgot to take it a few odd days. I am forgetful, everyone knows it. I should have been on a different contraception. I've said this already. My DD was an accident, and I didn't want to have an abortion. I can hold my hands up and admit that was my fault. Confused

OP posts:
Belle1616 · 25/05/2017 17:32

Sorry to be harsh, but why come on here and ask for help and then shoot down all the replies?

You need to leave this man. For your childs sake. you have been lots of good advice on how to go about this. SS can be crap yes but I think they'd be very helpful towards you if they knew your situation. You are doing more harm to her by staying.

ElphabaStrop · 25/05/2017 17:35

"It truly is a cycle, and I spent all my younger years promising myself I would never become my mother."

Then don't - you sound quite young. It's not too late. Stop the cycle right now. ❤️

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 17:35

I haven't shot down all the replies. People have asked me questions, and I have answered honestly. I'm sorry if I'm coming across that way, I don't mean to. I'm not used to anybody being on my side really, it feels a bit.. Sorry.

I said further up this page I'm going to be doing some research on refuges etc, and I thanked someone for the WA number. I have spoken to a few DV lines before, but never WA.

OP posts:
RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 17:36

Elphaba

I'm 21. We met when I was 17, he was 21.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 17:36

You love her. Accident or not is irrelevant. What's relevant is the example you are setting her of how partners should treat each other.

PoorYorick · 25/05/2017 17:36

It doesn't matter whether he knows it, you know it and sooner or later your daughter will too. And if you pull the 'he's such a great father' schtick, I'm going to start screaming. No mother who puffed up her money so she couldn't use it for her child, or who constantly made vile comments towards the co-parent would be complimented.

He's not going to change, so what are you going to do? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking men smoke away their family provision and call their partners the most disgusting names?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/05/2017 17:36

What's stopping you from telling him to leave your flat right now and then calling the police to forceably remove him if he won't respect your wishes?

DonaldJBottyburp · 25/05/2017 17:38

But then I start going down the 'is it me? Am I too strict? Are my ways just so annoying I bring it on myself' route, which isn't helpful for me I don't think. It's very easy to do.

It isn't just you. This bit he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'. is worthy of immediate changing of the locks. There's a note of cruel disrespect in there that should not be happening and when you add it to being a weed loser, well he needs to fuck the fuck off and sort his life out, then come back intent on behaving like a human being.

ElphabaStrop · 25/05/2017 17:39

Raincloud - DEFINITELY not too late. You have so much ahead of you. You don't need to repeat your Mum's cycle. 💐

SurlyValentine · 25/05/2017 17:41

"I think part of me does think I deserve it, but my DD definitely doesn't. She is so bright and happy, everyone says so... I don't want that to change."

Your mum probably said the exact same words OP. Don't let your daughter be the third woman repeating them in twenty-odd years' time.

jouu · 25/05/2017 17:41

This reply has been deleted

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ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2017 17:47

RedStripeLassies DD was only 3 and she already needed play therapy for her anger cos of living with her waste of space skunk head father.

At the beginning of those threads he was an "amazing" Dad too. Thank God she kicked him out. Last I heard she was holding him off and her DD had improved enormously without him in the house. And she's only 3!

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2017 17:48

Whose name is on the tenancy?

It may not be as simple as 'just kick him out'.

The OP needs to ring WA and get proper advice from a proper conversation with all the relevant information.

She's been given the right info, been pointed in the right direction, now let her do it.

Hissy · 25/05/2017 17:50

You wait till she realises how spectacularly shit her dad is... just wait till he treats her like he does you....

She won't be happy and bright for long.

Get him OUT! Your dd future hinges on this.

BertieBotts · 25/05/2017 17:53

Look... you've seen that social services don't remove children when one of their parents is a drug addict who is clearly not functioning.

They are not going to remove children whose parent has a mental health condition which is managed and the parent is stable. He has nothing to use against you there. And frankly I would be very surprised if he would even be bothered to go to court for the purposes of doing so.

Your "partner" can be a "great dad" at the weekends... who knows... perhaps he'll even manage to abstain from weed when it's for a shorter period at a time? Confused

Definitely seek advice on what you can do about the housing situation. Is it council or private?

DameDeDoubtance · 25/05/2017 18:00

You are exposing your daughter to abuse. Ffs this man is not an amazing dad, I am sick and tired of hearing abusive, selfish tossers described as amazing dads. Kick him out for your daughters sake, and your own.

WomblingThree · 25/05/2017 18:01

Wow, gold star for whoever called it on the "but he's a great dad" bleating.

HE IS A SHIT "DAD". He's not even a dad. He's a sperm donor.

I just don't understand you raincloud. Your mother had a shit life, you had a shit life, and now you are condemning the baby you didn't want to abort to a shit life. Why didn't you want to abort her? Because you loved her? Because you wanted to look after her? Well do it then. Stop making pathetic excuses and take your poor innocent baby away from this horrible situation.

Childrens' services wont take her away if you leave. If you stay with this abusing waste of oxygen however, you are handing her to them on a plate.

I'm sure you love him and want to be with him and he will change and all the other bullshit, but you know what? That doesn't matter. That baby that you wanted so badly and chose to bring into this does.

Stop making excuses and sort your bloody life out. There is so much help out there. So many people on here have given you links and phone numbers, but ultimately all that matters to you is him, isn't it.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 18:01

jouu

Just come out and say I don't deserve my daughter and should put her up for adoption, why don't you Hmm

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 25/05/2017 18:02

I had to look up what "flid" means. I'm so disgusted.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 18:04

Wombling

I don't even care about him that much. There have been times when I've wished he were dead. I doubt myself and worry how I'd cope alone. Yes, I know I'm being pathetic.

OP posts: