Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
EllieQ · 25/05/2017 16:30

As previous posters have said, you are damaging your daughter by staying with an abusive partner.

There was a poster with a similar partner here on MN a few months ago, though her daughter was a bit older than yours. She posted a few long threads, and one post that sticks in my mind is surprise that other people didn't think a trip to the park where her partner drank and smoked weed while she played with her daughter was a nice family outing (she did leave him, but got back together with him, which was sad to read). Is that going to be you in a couple of years time?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 25/05/2017 16:31

Don't be scared of Social Services. If you want an abusive drug user out of your house, they will support you.

If your DC starts repeating words like "flid" and "faggot" when they go to school, however, then you DO need to worry. as a PP mentioned, this is hate speech and won't be tolerated. What if someone notices that your kid stinks of weed (which they will if he smokes in the studio)?

SurlyValentine · 25/05/2017 16:31

Adding my voice to the chorus of LTB.

If I were you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row. Have you spoken to Womens' Aid for advice? If not, you really should. The arsehole you're living with is mentally, emotionally and financially abusive.

Think how lovely it would be to be living free of this gobshite, and without him setting fire to £300 of your money every month. Hey, without him, maybe you could afford to move to a bigger place, where your DD has more room to play.

jouu · 25/05/2017 16:32

If you get away from him now, your DD has a chance to have a healthy happy non abusive relationship when she is grown.

If you let him stay, I need you to understand that you are literally teaching your DD to go out and find a man to abuse her when she is grown up.

Of course he's nice to her, she doesn't have any power in their relationship so she's no threat to him.

Once she is a little bigger, he will start to use her as a weapon against you. She will see that very clearly. And that will teach her that unless a man is abusing her, he can't really love her, because daddy abuses women so that must be how men should treat women.

Listen, guilt (about him having nowhere to go) feels terrible. But it is temporary. It will pass.

You need to understand that by choosing to avoid the temporary feeling of guilt, you are literally signing your child's emotional death warrant. She will have NO chance of happiness, for the rest of her life.

If you believe that you deserve the luxury of avoiding difficult emotions, and that your child in turn deserves to receive a lifetime of pain, then go ahead. But I think you love your child enough to make the right decision for her.

Kick him out, make him homeless and maybe, just maybe you will finally allow him to hit rock bottom and sort himself out. As long as you stay in his life, he has ZERO need to sort himself. OP of course he is nice sometimes. But have you actually read back what he says to you? Do you want that for DD?

And the wonderful side effect of that decision is that your DD might grow up without her heart in pieces due to living with this man.

NetflixandBill · 25/05/2017 16:32

SS would recognise that you are prioritising the need for your child to have a stable and loving home life over an abusive relationship. The fact that you were staying in or returning to an unhealthy relationship would be more concerning to them.

Lots of people have mental health issues and still parent well. SS will be able to tell whether you are meeting your daughter's needs. They are used to hearing malicious allegations. Don't let his meaningless threats stop you from protecting your daughter and yourself.

EezerGoode · 25/05/2017 16:32

Ofcourse he knows his behaviour is wrong.he dosnt care...but that's irrelevant..the point is why are you subjecting your kids to this...why are you with him...

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:32

Clem

Yes, I do. I grew up witnessing a verbal/physical DV relationship, culminating in an attempted murder.

I guess I just don't want to break everything apart, and I keep hoping I can bring him to realisation and that he'll change...

He knows I'm talking about him on here right now. In fact, I told him some of the responses. He keeps giving me mournful looks, and is making a big show of being attentive to DD more than usual... Wonder why🙄

OP posts:
muffinwaggon · 25/05/2017 16:33

Please leave him. My mum and dad were never together but when he came to visit they would beat the shit out of each other. Some things aren't meant to be, and staying with him because of the baby isn't fair on anyone either.

stuntcamel · 25/05/2017 16:36

How do you think your daughter will feel growing up in a household where her father takes drugs and treats her mother like shit?

You will both be far better off without him.

jouu · 25/05/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 16:38

Pack his bag then leave it outside the front door, then change the locks.

SS are waiting and looking for a pattern of bad behaviour so it gives them reason to remove her, if need be.

beepbeeprichie · 25/05/2017 16:39

Some great advice on here. In a nutshell;

  1. He is not a great dad. He's not even a good dad. He treats the mother of his child like dirt and smokes weed. And he didn't care enough about her to not do it when she was in utero.
  2. If he knows his behaviour is wrong he doesn't care.
RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:40

I'm really sorry if I seem delusional etc. I suppose part of me is used to this treatment now so I don't always register how bad it is.

OP posts:
Eatingcheeseontoast · 25/05/2017 16:40

Maybe you could start a new thread in relationships?

Parker231 · 25/05/2017 16:40

Why are you allowing him near your DD?

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2017 16:42

In answer to your OP, yes he does know. He just doesnt care.

He doesnt respect you and he doesnt love you. You are his meal ticket. You pay all the bills so he has to pay for nothing and he knows that you will put up with it.

He wont change so stop hanging on in there in the hopes that he will.

I will say again

HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU OR LOVE YOU.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:42

Horrid

He will hammer in the door and shout and cause a scene, so police will still need to be called. Can't get out if it, police would be the only way. Sad

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 16:43

You can't hide his behaviour forever it will come out through your daughter. Then they will pounce and watch your every move. You have to make a choice your daughter or your man.

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 16:45

Find a woman's refuge for you and your child. Ring woman's Aid you can't live like this.

notapizzaeater · 25/05/2017 16:47

What's stopping you from leaving ? Move nearer your friends / family ?

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:47

jouu

I didn't tell him like that. He asked what I was doing on my phone... He said I was being sly and up to something, he came out and said 'are you bitching about me or talking to another man?' So I told him I'd asked for some input online. He then asked what the consensus was, so I told him generally what was said.
I don't feel 'emotionally high', I was trying to stop him accusing me of cheating, or taking me phone to check up on what I'm writing. You've got it twisted. If I didn't tell him I'd be getting called a slag and have him trying to go through my phone etc or read over my shoulder.

I have therapy, as already stated.

OP posts:
RegTheMonkey1 · 25/05/2017 16:48

I started out reading your post with every sympathy for you and your situation, however seeing the way you are batting away helpful suggestions and doing nothing to protect your child from this man has made my attitude harden slightly. He treats you like shit because you allow him to. If he won't leave then you should find somewhere else to stay and let him get on with it. He can always move back in with his mum.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:50

pizza

Money. I have less than £100 in savings etc. Not enough for deposit/advance rent etc.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2017 16:50

You know why his mum got involved? Because she doesnt want a weed smoking abuser in her home either, she wants you to keep putting up with his shit so that she doesnt have to. I would bet you a months mortgage money that he was just as much of a cunt to her as he is to you.

FrogFairy · 25/05/2017 16:51

He is not good with your daughter.

He abuses her mother and spends his money on drugs rather than provide for her. Please get yourself and your daughter out of this situation.

There is a safer happier life out there for both of you.