To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

[ThespianTendencies]

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

It is interesting to compare this thread to the one where the MIL was thinking about ringfencing the gift of a deposit on a house for her son and there were a ton of posters who thought it was disgusting that the MIL thought the marriage might split up and wouldn't treat the DIL exactly the same as her own son (for the record on that thread I thought the MIL was reasonable enough).

But a DIL upset that she isn't regarded like a child of the family - or more important - that her children aren't regarded as family - in an inheritance situation is told she is a nasty piece of work.

I think the word "inheritance" is to MN what "squirrel" is to my dog.

It wouldn't be normal in my experience for 50% to have been left in trust for your kids. But not you I'm afraid.

Wills are grim. When my Dad died his will was completely unfit for purpose and the solicitor completely incompetent. None of his kids or grand kids got a mention. And the bequests were spent by the solicitor.

Pallisers

Yet I don't know anyone in real life who wouldn't be sad and rejected at your PIL's will. And yet also a bit disappointed that the tough life you've led

I'm sorry but really absolutely fuck that. Have you read the OPs post????

It wasn't sad or disappointed - which I agree is fair enough. It was UTTERLY ENRAGED. That is why I said what I did and its my genuine view.

That level of agressive entitlement to anothers money is actually nasty. It really is. It is not a sorry disapontment at a kind gift missed. It is violently angry self-entitlement to something that was never yours.

AND fails to take account of the daughter alone with no children and no alternative financial support from children in future as well.

They should have (IMO) left 50% to their surviving child and 50% to be split between their two grandchildren when they are 18 or 21 or whatever.
But she didn't - Its her choice, you weren't entitled to their money so yes YABU although I would also be disappointed that the DC didn't get their dad's share.

I appreciate that you have had to deal with a great deal of loss, but wow you are bitter and entitled.

"Nothing you can do most likely but don't believe the people here who tell you that you are a nasty piece of work. You are not. you are a normal human being who made the mistake of posting about this on MN."

This, a hundred times.

Inheritance definitely brings out the worst in people.

OP I share your disappointment that your children weren't left anything. When my grandad died years ago my grandma thought she would inherit 'his share' of the parents money. Never happened and she was bitter for the remainder of her days. Years later grandads sibling left money to my brother saying it was only right that the male inherited. My brother is ace and he split it with me 50/50. I think we spent it on a weekend in Brighton and a new sofa. Grandma was outraged that my brother had shared it with me! Her bitterness still haunts me. Don't be that person OP.

AND fails to take account of the daughter alone with no children and no alternative financial support from children in future as well

So... OPs children don't inherit but can be expected to provide for their mother?

In their position I would have left half my estate to my daughter, left the OP a bequest, and split the remainder between the grandchildren.

I don't know why people are so down on the OP. She wasn't nice to her in-laws with the expectation of an inheritance but because it was the right things to do. Anger is a secondary emotion, I imagine the OP's primary emotion is extreme frustration. She is frustrated that now her children (who had a tough start in life) won't see a penny of money that would have made their future lives an awful lot easier. Verbal bequests are completely meaningless and unenforceable, 'help them out' means precisely Jack Shit. Their aunt won't give them anything.

You sound like such a martyr! Your husband can't have been that awful or you would't have decided to have children with him after 15years of such a horrible marriage?

Maybe PIL were fed up of you badmouthing everyone! Sounds like you only kept a relationship up because you were eyeing up their house. Don't be bitter that you didn't get money that was never yours!

Also are you sure PIL didn't give DH his inheritance early? Did they help you out with your first house?

We do not know your exact circumstances, and yes, there are certain discrepancies in OP which are suspect 'Will Plots', but there's nout so queer as truth.

The house left to my brother and I by our Mum and Dad went to the eldest daughter of my Mother's abusive husband.

My MIL is so addled now she's left everything to her daughter and not my DH.

In the first case, mentioned above, I contested the will and achieved 10k each for my brother and I in a private settlement by seeing a solicitor who thought he/she had got a case. Not good enough for genuine human fairness (share the house my parents had bought between five even though there were two of us and three leaden of them), some work and fees, but better than nothing.

The daughter of the abuser bowed down to pay us so she could reap the rest.

It sounds like you PIL produced two dysfunctional offspring. Don't be bitter about that just try to get what your children need from the relationship.

You sound like such a martyr! Your husband can't have been that awful or you would't have decided to have children with him after 15years of such a horrible marriage?

yeah OP. For god's sake listen to BeepBeep She - random lady on the internet - knows the truth of your marriage and how awful your husband was (*BeepBeep while your all-knowing radar is out do you think dh and I made the right decision not to move 10 years ago???? and can you give me a tip on the 3:25?? Have you considered offering your services to the police?).

I think OP has fallen into a common trap.

She spent the best years of her life with a nasty man. When he died, she did all the right things, keeping in touch with pils, facilitating a relationship, though presumably they weren't much help when their son was being a cunt to his family. OP put her own life on hold for the sake of her kids. OP now makes the mistake of assuming that self denial, sacrifice, and keeping the moral high ground will eventually result in a reward. That's what we are all told, isn't it? Goodies get rewarded and baddies get punished. OP might not even have admitted it to herself, but I get the impression that pils money was to be the reward for the shit she's put up with. Now there is no money and she's bitter. It's not right but it's understandable

In future, OP, do things for yourself and your children and don't put your life on hold

YANBU. It would have been the decent thing to have left your DH's share to the DGCs, held in trust for, say, their education.

Some parents decide to split their money and estate between living children and the grandchildren of any children deceased. Others leave their money and estate to only their living child(ren).

I guess it irks but everyone is entitled to leave their assets to whoever they wish and in which way they see fit.

I would have expected the grandparent to put aside a sum for each grandchild in this circumstance to be accessed when they were adults. It really depends on what conversation exactly was had with SIL and what exactly was said about "helping you out".

Although I would have expected otherwise it is usual for each generation to pass down to the next so that does make sense I suppose.

How do you know that her mum told her to "help you out now and then?"

Yanbu. Look into contesting the will. Surely most people split equally down the line of their children, even if some are deceased. Not to leave to dil but to gc

Surely people can leave their estate to whom ever they choose? So why would you be angry?

YANBU
Money should be fairly split in families - your children should have inherited 50 % of the estate. Ideally you should have been provided 20% of that sum to help bring them up as well. But SIL's marital stays and pet preferences should be irrelevant

Contesting a will is a long and extremely expensive process. And if there are no provisions for grandchildren in the law, then the OP hasn't a chance in hell of winning and will likely be liable for the costs of the other party too.

YANBU op. A friend of mine had a very similar situation. Grandmother had two children, each child had two children. One of the grandmother's adult children died before her, leaving her own two children without a mother, grandmother rewrote will naming only the surviving adult child. Surviving child inherited MILLIONS, was able to buy a house for each of her two children while their cousins got nothing from their grandmothers estate. There had been no family conflict, good relationships all round, well until the grandchildren found out they had been completed excluded from will.

All four grandchildren had been young adults when grandmother died, the two who lost their mother had been young teens when this happened.

Whilst it would have been nice to leave some money to her dgc, she could have just as easily left it all to a cat charity. That's the point of a will, surely. The deceased gets to choose.

OP now makes the mistake of assuming that self denial, sacrifice, and keeping the moral high ground will eventually result in a reward.

I think this may account for a lot of her anger. Unfortunately a lot of people tend to assume it's a womans place to facilitate contact with family, etc - comes as naturally to us as breathing, so why should anyone be grateful...