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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

274 replies

ThespianTendencies · 24/05/2017 21:38

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 24/05/2017 22:00

thats really shit. usually wills specify money to grandkids if child predeceases them. I would also seek advice on behalf of your children, you might be able to get a settlement. very hurtful though in any case.

mummymummums · 24/05/2017 22:01

Often Wills are worded so that estates go to surviving children but if the children pre decease the testator, then it passes down the line to their children. It's called per stirpes. But people can do it differently if they want.
I agree it round have been nice if, in the absence of their son, they left something in trust for his children.
The question you haven't answered that some have asked is whether you're financially secure already. If you're struggling and they knew this, then it seems mean. As you've dodged the question I'm assuming your DH provided for you.

elevenclips · 24/05/2017 22:02

Yes it is very strange that they didn't leave their only grandchildren any of their money. You can't change it so you will have to try to move past it.

JollySmelly · 24/05/2017 22:03

I think it would be jolly expensive to challenge it in court. You're probably going to have to just move on past it.

BarbarianMum · 24/05/2017 22:04

Sorry OP Sad This happened to my cousin. His dad died and when, a few years later, his grandparents died his father's share of the inheritance was divided between the surviving siblings. Fwiw I think it's a shit thing to do.

WonkoTheSane42 · 24/05/2017 22:04

You said your sister in law got married abroad and then you said she's a spinster. She can't be both married and a spinster.

SuperBeagle · 24/05/2017 22:04

It sounds like you think they ought to be entitled for your sake, not theirs.

You were never entitled to the money, nor were they.

WomblingThree · 24/05/2017 22:04

Maybe they disinherited your DH to stop him drinking it all, and didn't particularly think to reinstate the kids after he died.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 24/05/2017 22:04

It reads like you only kept links with them for your money so maybe that's why the SIL got it all.

It's normal to leave to your children not grandchildren.

The money belongs to your SIL to do with as she pleases.

Underthemoonlight · 24/05/2017 22:05

Yabu you clearly harbour ill feelings about your dh so there's no love loss their so why on earth would you expect his parents to leave their estate to you and your DC. It was their estate to do what they saw fit, no one is entitled to anyone's estate even a child it just so happens that your sil was in receipt of her dm estate, you and your DC have no right over her. The way you talk about you inlaws DS and DD is apparent in our posts you clearly don't like them so why would you expect money from their parents.

Andrewofgg · 24/05/2017 22:08

Technically if she got "married" (abroad or not) to a man who was already married then she did not get validly married and could be a "spinster" if you must use that word.

But You could probably challenge the will on behalf of the DC is nonsense, if MIL lived in England. A will in favour of her only living child is perfectly valid. There is a Family Provision Act but it does not apply to grandchildren. It's quit4e wrong to suggest to the OP that she has any remedy in the courts: she hasn't. And should not have.

babybarrister · 24/05/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretsquirrelclub · 24/05/2017 22:11

As per usual mn sanctimonious crew are all out in full swing. Only on mn would you find so many people who not only - wouldn't bat an eyelid at not receiving a penny, but would also return any inheritance to sil, if mil had left them anything, cause obviously that's the right thing to do.

Op it sucks, but families especially other people's are just bloody strange, who knows why she didn't leave you anything. Next best thing is just to try and keep things sweet with sil and hope she doesn't leave it all to a sausage dog charity.

Arborea · 24/05/2017 22:12

Have you actually seen a copy of the Will? It would be a good idea to get a specialist solicitor to give it the once over in case s33 Wills Act 1837 might apply, in which case your children could inherit (I'm sorry this sounds like legal gobbledygook, but it's worth looking into and shouldn't cost a fortune).

P.S. When I grow up I'd like to be a crazy sausage dog lady!

Jollypirates3 · 24/05/2017 22:12

Yabu. I was the only family member to give help to my gps until their deaths. Only visitor despite my mum living 1 road away. They looked after me growing up and i did what i could for them at the age 14 to 21. Despite everything they lwft everything to my mum. And she managed to get power of atourney after gds death. Gn had dementia and she got most of her inheritamce before her death. She suddenly turned into the model daughtrr when she knew there was money. I have gone nc with her as what she did was very wrong. You remained in contact for the kids and not for their will. You did the right thing and wjere it would hve been nice for your dcs to have received something the majority of people leave everything to the next of kin. They tend to do it years before and dont uodate it either

TeenAndTween · 24/05/2017 22:13

YANBU
Are you sure SIL isn't stringing you a line?

TheFaerieQueene · 24/05/2017 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kaitlinktm · 24/05/2017 22:14

I intend my estate to be divided between my 2 children. In the heartbreaking event of one of them predeceasing me I would leave it equally between the surviving child and the children of the dececased one. By that I mean half each. I would only leave it all to the surviving child if the deceased one had no descendants.

I wouldn't leave it to a Dil or Sil because - well - they might remarry and I would want to leave my estate to my own descendants.

I am surprised that your MiL didn't leave half in trust for her son's children - that would have been the fairer thing to do in my opinion.

kaitlinktm · 24/05/2017 22:15

Sorry - that should be deceased not dececased Blush

PossomInAPearTree · 24/05/2017 22:15

Beholden to your SIL?

Is this one of those piss take threads and it's actually the plot of a Jane Austen novel?

BeaLola · 24/05/2017 22:17

You should do things in life because you want to not because it may gain you something down the line. It was their money and their choice who to leave it to .

choli · 24/05/2017 22:18

Maybe they disinherited your DH to stop him drinking it all, and didn't particularly think to reinstate the kids after he died.

Very possible. It's also very possible that they bailed out the DH financially on numerous occasions, and felt that he had already received his share of the money.

redexpat · 24/05/2017 22:18

Im surprised your kids arent getting half. I think thats really mean actually and Im not surprised youre hurt, especially given that youve done more than you really were obliged to.
Im not surprised youre left out tho, thats quite normal.

CowParsleyNettle · 24/05/2017 22:19

You're not unreasonable to feel enraged but no one is ever entitled to an inheritance unless it is bestowed on them. I wouldn't expect my MiL to leave me and our children money if DH and I divorced and he passed away, I don't think it would even occur to me that I had a claim. I haven't had anything from my own grandparent's estates, it simply wasn't bequeathed to me.

holidaysaregreat · 24/05/2017 22:19

I lost my grandmother couple of years back and got nothing. Also lost Dad the same time and also got nothing as it has all gone to my DM. I think it is normal to leave money to children rather than GC. There might be less money than you think once all the expenses are paid. I assume you won't have to help with paperwork and clearing the house out.