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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

274 replies

ThespianTendencies · 24/05/2017 21:38

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 25/05/2017 22:26

OP, I get EXACTLY why you're upset.
Dh who sadly died last year, was one of five children. A few years ago, he found out the the only two beneficiaries of his parents' will were to be his eldest sibling and his youngest sibling. The middle three including him, were not to inherit anything. Dh was incredibly hurt by this. It wasn't about the money; what it meant for him was that he meant less to his parents than his siblings. He felt less loved. I am one of four; my Mum is splitting everything four ways, SIL's husband is one of five and his Dad split everything evenly as well. I am in the process of making a will myself and I can't imagine leaving everything to ds1 and ds4 and nothing to the other boys and if I were unlucky enough to lose another child ( my baby dd died five years ago) I would make sure their share went to their dc's. That's the way nice people do things. So many people on MN are so fecking righteous when it comes to inheritance and I always wonder how they would feel about being left out like that.

Babyblues14 · 25/05/2017 22:34

You are nothing to do with her. Being married to her son means nothing. I would of thought she would of left something to her grandkids, but I guess she had you worked out as a money grabber so she decided not to.
Hopefully she has left them something they won't get until they are 21 and won't be told about it until then either. So they can keep It themselves.
The fact that your here whining about it says everything people need to know about you.

Pallisers · 25/05/2017 22:36

Can someone honestly tell me why they think that being a decent person should warrant a financial reward when the someone they were decent to dies?

Why on earth would you look at it like this? Is this how you view relationships? As transactional?

The OP is upset because she thought she and her children were close to her inlaws/grandparents. I suspect she told us she was decent to them to explain that she didn't do anything to piss them off. And yet when they die, they don't treat their grandchildren like family - only the surviving sister. That is pretty hurtful.

And NO idea where you are getting the idea that the OP didn't like them (except out of your own fictional narrative) since in her post the OP said absolutely nothing negative about them but did say that they all had a "lovely relationship". She possibly doesn't like them much now - I wouldn't either if I had realised (as one pp "smilingly" noted) they actually didn't adore my children like I thought they did.

By the way is anyone reminded of the opening of Sense and Sensibility where the son, who will inherit everything is begged by his dying father to take care of his step mother and sisters and vows to do so, initially thinking he will fix and income on them for life and eventually persuading himself that his father only meant he should send them some presents of game every now and then.

Babyblues14 · 25/05/2017 22:38

The op paints herself as this amazing DIL. But none of us have any idea. If she was she would of got something. So clearly she wasnt

Mixedupmummy · 25/05/2017 22:47

of course its not unreasonable to have thought your dcs should have been given your dhs share. I'd be gutted for my kids if something happened to my dh and in-laws didn't provide for them in their wills. Unfortunaley things like this and worse happen all the time. Vent here and to friends so you can feel better and move on Flowers

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 25/05/2017 22:53

Yes, Pallisers, Sense and Sensibility was exactly what I thought of when I read your post. (And my dad has said his will has me and my much-missed late half-sister's children as beneficiaries - as it should do. He was her step dad, but thought of her as his own - he wouldn't dream of disinheriting her children).

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 23:00

Pallisers the op insulted them, how can you like someone you insult because they didn't give you money?

Mistletoekids · 25/05/2017 23:02

Actually I'm also with you OP , YANBU

kittybiscuits · 25/05/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

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HopeClearwater · 25/05/2017 23:06

Haven't time to RTFT and it seems as if there are ten pages of people calling the OP money grabbing but I TOTALLY get you, OP. All the shit of being married to an alcoholic who then dies, you've maintained your children's contact with their paternal GPs and then they leave nothing for their son's children - it's a disgrace and I really feel for you. Ignore the haters on this thread - they probably haven't lived through the shit that you have.
From a fellow spouse of an alcoholic Flowers

imjessie · 25/05/2017 23:15

You sound really grabby!! It's their money and they can do with it what they like !

Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2017 23:15

Exactly hope, the haters have ignored that op was married to an abusive alcoholic, and tried very hard to ensure that his parents were in contact with their grandchildren. They should have left something for their grandkids, it's shitty that they have not. Says a lot about them.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2017 23:16

Some very nasty people on here, righteous and spiteful!

Pallisers · 25/05/2017 23:16

The op paints herself as this amazing DIL. But none of us have any idea. If she was she would of got something. So clearly she wasnt

Wow! Is this how you are going to divide up your own property? All those who were "amazing" get something and the rest of your children/grandchildren can fuck off?

She didn't insult them. She had a close and lovely relationship with them until they died. Then she discovered that they didn't actually consider her children to be family in the same way as their daughter was family and got cross. Is she supposed to suppress her anger at her in laws ignoring their grandchildren for fear of insulting dead people? wtf?

Agoddessonamountaintop · 25/05/2017 23:43

I agree that is shitty. Miserable bastards but not sure what could be done about it. Sympathies op. You did the right thing by your I/laws and hopefully your dcs have lovely memories. Very hurtful - sorry.

Babyblues14 · 25/05/2017 23:43

You have no idea what kind of relationship she had with them. You are going off what the op is telling you.

RoseandVioletcreams · 26/05/2017 00:17

I have to admit if my DD passed away ( god forbid) and her DH was still making efforts to keep family in touch...I think I would leave him something in my Will, it would be very sad not too. But I would def leave her share to GC.
It does happen that people leave stuff specifically to their dils you know!!

Esp if their sons were difficult!

As PP said though op your conscious is clear you have done the right thing.

Pallisers · 26/05/2017 01:25

You have no idea what kind of relationship she had with them. You are going off what the op is telling you.

Well yes. I think it more rational to respond to a thread going off what the original post says than off what some later random poster's (that would be you) spidey-sense says.

R2G · 26/05/2017 01:31

YANBU I feel to have expected your children to be left something named to them. YABU to feel beholden to your SIL. You're projecting.

80sMum · 26/05/2017 01:39

I am trying to put myself in the position of the testator. I'm imagining that my DS died, leaving my dil and her two children on their own, and my DD didn't have the greatest of relationships with me. To whom would I beqeath my Estate? I think I would give half to my DD and half to my son's children, to share equally between them but to be held in trust until they each reached the age of 25.

BlondeB83 · 26/05/2017 01:52

YABU and very grabby.

SumThucker · 26/05/2017 02:23

Some posters are obviously incapable of answering a question without resorting to nastiness. Says an awful lot about them.

YANBU, OP, I can imagine how hurtful that is.

Pallisers · 26/05/2017 02:51

Bet you every single poster who has said "you are very grabby" would be devastated if their mum or dad left everything to their brother/sister and nothing to them.

SumThucker · 26/05/2017 02:57

Definitely Pallisers.

kittybiscuits · 26/05/2017 06:09

You have no idea what kind of relationship she had with them. You are going off what the op is telling you.

That's pretty much the basis of Mumsnet.

Honestly, it's a shock to me sometimes how many really horrible people there are on Mumsnet. Who post on threads and just see it as an opportunity to throw accusations with little or no foundation at a poster who is hurting. This thread is a disgrace.