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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

274 replies

ThespianTendencies · 24/05/2017 21:38

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 25/05/2017 00:54

YANBU to be disappointed that your childrens' grandparents left nothing at all for them in their will - not even a few sentimental trinkets or a small amount of money held in trust for their future - especially as they had a good relationship.

YABU to have any expectation of a claim on somebody else's money. Your PILs could have left all their money to the Cats Protection League or the Donkey Sanctuary and they are perfectly entitled to do so as it's their money and they have no obligation to leave it to any particular person.

Pallisers · 25/05/2017 02:16

Surely people can leave their estate to whom ever they choose? So why would you be angry?

This is one of those posts which makes me want to reply "please repeat the letters/numbers in the box to show you aren't a robot".

Like just imagine. You have a sister and parents. You are all happy and fine with each other. Dad dies and leaves everything to mum. Mum dies and leaves everything to ... your sister. Nothing to you.

Do you say "well people can leave their estate to whomever they choose. Why be angry? Hey sis what do you think about Abide With Me as the final hymn?"

Or do you think "christ on earth, what on earth did I do to my mother and what did she feel about me that she cut me out?"

AvaCrowder2 · 25/05/2017 02:29

Families can be really unfair. Lord knows how others can be. It doesn't make it fair. Best wishes,

LaLegue · 25/05/2017 03:07

I'd be angry, confused and deeply hurt to OP

People do love to point out that you are not entitled to expect anything from anyone's will, as if you need reminding of that. It doesn't change the fact that it's a shit thing to do, to ignore their grandchildren like this.

If it were me I would have put my deceased son's share of my estate into trust for his children. Or at the very least bunged then 10k each for university or their first car. Just giving something would have been the decent thing to do.

pollyglot · 25/05/2017 06:32

So the op has a family (a mother, at least) and a home? Presumably the MIL thought that you and your children would have "prospects" from your own parents, while her daughter is obviously lacking close family support. Yes, it would be totally fair to split the estate, but would she then have a home and a nestegg should she need it?

cansu · 25/05/2017 06:47

Yes you would have expected them to leave what would have been their sons share to your children. V strange. I understand how you feel.

malificent7 · 25/05/2017 07:00

Im with you op.. completely thoughtless about your dc.
I suspect they were deeply old fashioned and did things by the book.

eddielizzard · 25/05/2017 07:07

i'd be extremely upset too.

you have to try to move on though, as difficult as it is. maybe your sil will uphold your mil's wishes and be generous, but if you're ungenerous in your regard of her she's less likely to.

famousfour · 25/05/2017 07:09

I can see why you would be disappointed that you children are cut out of their grandmothers will. It's not too surprising you haven't received anything though. I don't think you need to be beholden to your SIL though - just get on with your life!

NavyandWhite · 25/05/2017 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrygate · 25/05/2017 07:22

I take it "spinster" has joined the ever growing list of words we can't use. I'm going to stick to yes / no

metalmum15 · 25/05/2017 07:25

Now I am beholden to sis-in-law as she holds all the purse strings

I felt a bit sorry for you up until this bit. Presumably, in the last 7 years you've been earning some money or receiving some kind of benefits to pay your bills and look after your children? As obviously that isn't actually your PILs responsibility. Or have they been subbing you all this time and now that's stopped, you're not happy? Some strange holes in this story.

metalmum15 · 25/05/2017 07:25

Now I am beholden to sis-in-law as she holds all the purse strings

I felt a bit sorry for you up until this bit. Presumably, in the last 7 years you've been earning some money or receiving some kind of benefits to pay your bills and look after your children? As obviously that isn't actually your PILs responsibility. Or have they been subbing you all this time and now that's stopped, you're not happy? Some strange holes in this story.

Cel982 · 25/05/2017 07:25

I'm Shock at some of the responses here. Choosing to disinherit the flesh-and-blood children of your wastrel son is a big deal. Yes, of course the GPs can legally leave their money to whomever they want, but it's still a shitty thing to do to acknowledge one branch of your family and completely cut out the other, especially when you're talking about children who - it would appear - haven't done anything to warrant this exclusion.

If your ILs had died intestate then your children would be awarded half their estate, OP. I'm not surprised you're hurt and angry, I would be too.

YANBU.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 25/05/2017 07:26

Thank you for those who have offered support. it is very upsetting. Not for me, but for my children who adored them and who they adored. NavyandWhite there is no more to this story. WE have had great relationships since I first met them in 1989. I had to navigate my way through the loss of my dh - difficult as he was - without any support of any kind as they were suffering his loss too. I know I am not 'entitled' to anything but none of us are 'entitled' to a birthday present but we do appreciate and come to expect them and feel a little wounded if we don't get anything. I am human just like the rest of you an I am hurting and feeling betrayed.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 25/05/2017 07:36

OP I would feel hurt too especially on behalf of my children. It's not even necessarily just about the money - it's about an acknowledgement of the relationship.
You could look into contesting it on behalf of your children - might be costly though and no guarantee of success.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/05/2017 07:38

Spinster
Sausage dogs
Beholden
Human

...I'm thinking not.

TheNaze73 · 25/05/2017 07:39

Sorry, it wasn't your will to decide. YABU

DeadGood · 25/05/2017 07:46

Yawn - the usual "you sound so GRABBY!!" crowd are out in force, I see.

Of course YANBU OP. The bit about "help OP out every once in a while" - utterly shit.

beepbeeprichie · 25/05/2017 07:57

I tell you what YABU about OP- coming on here and expecting support over a will question. You should know that anyone that expects or hopes for an inheritance and vents on here gets called grabby and entitled. YANBU to expect that they might provide something for their grandchildren's future. Of course you're not entitled to it and it's their money to give to the donkeys if they so wish, but its hurtful. By giving everything to their daughter and not the children of their son must hurt. The problem with situations like this is that there is no way to discuss or confront them and you're left wondering what their feelings to the children were. You have my sympathies.

CecilyP · 25/05/2017 07:59

it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then

You say there is no more to the story but I wonder how you know this. If it was your MILs intention that you should be helped out, she should have put it in writing- like in a will! Perhaps she thought Sil would subsequently leave everything to your DC. In which case she was ill-advised. It might be worth seeking some legal advice.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 25/05/2017 08:11

My SIL told me that her mum had said that. Why so much suspicion on here!!!!?????

OP posts:
HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 25/05/2017 08:17

How can she be a spinster AND have run away with a neighbour and married him abroad ?

AppleOfMyEye10 · 25/05/2017 08:22

For the children yanbu, I do think it's odd that she hasn't included them.
But as for you, you sound like a nasty, grabby thing. Why on earth should she leave you a cent, the audacity of you to feel entitled Hmm you are not her child so why on earth are you comparing what her daughter received to yourself?

oleoleoleole · 25/05/2017 08:22

Did you do all that so that you and your DC would inherit? It's obviously backfired. Whilst it's very sad they chose not to include their DGC you have coped this long without their money so nothing has changed.