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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

274 replies

ThespianTendencies · 24/05/2017 21:38

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/05/2017 22:21

No answers OP?

nogrip · 24/05/2017 22:22

Busted, OP

Salmotrutta · 24/05/2017 22:23

I'm always slightly amused that the assumption on these threads is that the OP is English/in England.

The law is very different in Scotland.

Just pointing that out.

BillyButtfuck · 24/05/2017 22:25

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 22:25

They have one surviving child and they chose to leave all that they own, their daughters only way to have something of them, and you are jealous.

Your kids dad died, it's him that left you like this not his parents. I'm sure you got whatever he owned and seem to do ok with yourself and the kids. I genuinely can't understand why you expected anything? She mentions helping you out in the will and I guess that's for the grandkids benefit. Why isn't that good enough from someone who owes you literally nothing.

Waltermittythesequel · 24/05/2017 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 22:27

OP you will get a whole string of people saying you are grabby, greedy, entitled to nothing, horrible person etc.

You are not. What happens with wills is not the actual money but what the will is saying. I think you are hearing from MIL and FIL "you aren't really family and neither are your children". That is hard - and wrong of them. They should have acknowledged their grandchildren in their will. They didn't. They are entitled to do what they want with their money. And those affected by it are entitled to think they were wrong and cruel to their grandchildren.

Spectre8 · 24/05/2017 22:30

Wow YABU OP. Your basically saying your owed money for making sure you and your kids maintained a relationship with MIL and SIL didn't as much. Why are you expecting anything? Do you think because you let your kids have a relationship with their grandparents they deserve money? Its their money to do what they like with it and its not for you to get so enraged about.

kath6144 · 24/05/2017 22:31

Op, YANBU - my mum died last year, her will (and dads which was a mirror - written long before we got married) stipulated that should myself or DB die before them, then any issue we had (ie kids) would get our half of the inheritence.

We re-wrote ours 2yrs ago, my DC are still teenagers, but we put a similar clause in, as then we don't have to re-write them when GC come along, as the will-writer pointed out. I thought it was a fairly standard clause, but from some of the replies on here, it seems not.

No way would I leave it to only my surviving child, if the other pre-deceased me and had kids. I would also be pretty upset if DH pre-deceases his parents and they then ignored our DC and left all to SIL. I know its their money, their choice etc, but its a mean thing to do.

And as someone who watches heir hunters, just because a relative has died, doesn't mean their 'branch' is written out of the family tree. So under intestacy laws, your DC would have inherited I think, had your Mil not had a will.

LadySalmakia · 24/05/2017 22:31

I think it's pretty shitty of them, tbh. I can quite see why they didn't leave you anything directly, but not to put 50% into a trust for your children is crap. It's hard enough to get any sort of start these days and even a small inheritance could help them out enormously as adults.

I know no one is owed anything from someone's will, but the usual thing that most people do, and what intestacy laws suggest, is to leave it to their children so it can be passed on in turn to grandchildren. I don't think it's wrong to be upset that your children have lost out on this.

If it were me I'd have left half to the grandchildren but in trust to 21 and their aunt could stay in the house (presuming she lives there?) for life if she wished, when 50% would revert to your children. Perhaps if there were a lot of money a small amount for you, £100s or low 1000s if there was a lot of money floating around.

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2017 22:35

It's unkind.

They could have left what would have gone to their son, to his children.

Some are kind though, if my DH had predeceased his parents, it would have all come to me. (he didn't!)

They could have left some in trust.

tigerskinrug · 24/05/2017 22:35

Upsetting that they didn't leave the dgc anything, but you are making out that you should have been left something because you maintained contact with them. Surely you did that for your dc, not for a share in the inheritance?

Plumkettle · 24/05/2017 22:35

AugustCarrot · 24/05/2017 22:36

YANBU that they didn't bequeath their grandchildren in the will. My DM's will reads 50/50 to myself and DSis but if I've passed then my DS gets the money.

DH's parents the same with him and his brother. If DH dies I get nothing DS gets it all.

However YABU to think they should leave money to you.

Tequilamockingbirdturd · 24/05/2017 22:38

I totally understand why you are upset I would be too, I can see why they didn't directly leave you any money, but it would have been nice for some money to have been left to her grandchildren in trust so help with a deposit for a house or car. It would be interesting to see if your SIL does actually help out her brothers children in the future. You need to find a way to move on and let it go though. What's done is done and resentment only hurts the holder

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/05/2017 22:40

I don't think yabu op, I know my parents will states that everything is divided by us siblings but if any of us die first their share goes to their child/children, and that's exactly what would have happened even if it didn't state it. I understand not mentioning you personally but the kids should have gotten 25% each I would have thought

GoLightlyHollie · 24/05/2017 22:42

Op it is something I've noticed on mumsnet; the majority of posters seem to think that no one should expect anything in a will.

So for example, your dad could be wealthy, have a lovely home you grew up in all your life, your mum croaks it, your dad marries again, his 2nd wife and by extension her offspring get everything and you get nothing. Most posters think that is perfectly right.

Huge digression but my point is to never expect sympathy from anyone in an inheritance post on mumsnet.
I'm with you though. Sure, your in laws have the right to leave their money to whomever they wish, that isn't to say it wouldn't have been kind to leave something to the people who spent most time with them etc, i.e. you and your offspring. I'd feel somewhat aggrieved in your situation too, especially on behalf of the children.

MangosAndPapayas · 24/05/2017 22:44

Not read whole thread but their daughter is their priority.

If she has no children (and an unreliable husband) her own care into her old age is her responsibility. She is likely to be totally alone and will need to provide for herself as she ages. If she needs care or help at home, she has no children to help with that either practically or financially. She could be looking at paying herself for a care home or 24 care at home. It's perfectly normal for parents to want to provide for your child in circumstances like that.

You on the other hand have had the financial benefit of a long marriage and have children. You are in a different position. Quite apart from the fact, you are not their biological child.

Bottom line: their money; their choice. No one - not even a child actually - has the right to demand or expect a parental legacy.

You sound like a nasty piece of work if I'm being honest. Why are you so entitled to their money?

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 24/05/2017 22:47

Clearly if your husband had lived, you children would have benefited from the estate. I wonder if they did not really think this through.

I would investigate challenging the will now. And possibly have a discussion with SIL where you bring this up and ask if she can help with specific commitments for the children such as Uni fees.

Siwdmae · 24/05/2017 22:48

Beholden to your sil?! Utterly ridiculous! Have you considered supporting your children yourself?

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 22:51

*Bottom line: their money; their choice. No one - not even a child actually - has the right to demand or expect a parental legacy.

You sound like a nasty piece of work if I'm being honest. Why are you so entitled to their money?*

This is the kind of thing I mean. You'll get more than one poster saying this on MN - like Golightly said never expect sympathy on an inheritance post on MN.

Yet I don't know anyone in real life who wouldn't be sad and rejected at your PIL's will. And yet also a bit disappointed that the tough life you've led, dealing with an alcoholic husband (the financial benefit of a long marriage?????) and rearing children single-handedly, won't even get a bit of relief like knowing your children have the start of a savings account or a deposit on a house.

Nothing you can do most likely but don't believe the people here who tell you that you are a nasty piece of work. You are not. you are a normal human being who made the mistake of posting about this on MN.

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 22:53

Beholden to your sil?! Utterly ridiculous! Have you considered supporting your children yourself?

I'd say she did actually support her children during the 18 years of marriage to a bullying alcoholic and the 7 years since he died when she reared them alone. Wouldn't you?

PaintingByNumbers · 24/05/2017 22:53

"you are a normal human being who made the mistake of posting about this on MN."

so true

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 24/05/2017 22:54

OP I feel for you. I'd be gutted too.

OwlinaTree · 24/05/2017 22:57

YANBU. The gc should have inherited their father's share imho.

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