To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

[ThespianTendencies]

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

I'm amazed by this thread.

OP, you are totally not BU

They had two children and should have divided the estate in two.

I wonder how you SIL feels about indirectly benefitting from her brothers death.

Surely contact with family is normal not something to be applauded and rewarded with money?

Yes her husband was a poor one but we choose our own partners and are free tchildcare leave at any time.

The DIL was their child, she didn't have to do anything to deserve the money as it's natural that parents pass their assets onto their children. The OP was not their child and could remarry at any time and have more children and perhaps they wanted their assets to stay in their actual family.

Like with their actual grandchildren? I don't know what is wrong with you people. But something definitely is.

Thank you everyone who has offered opinions without being abusive, judgemental or spiteful. I have asked that MNHQ remove this thread as it has caused me upset at a time that is upsetting anyway! Before my dh died, he was signed off both jobs owing to his alcoholism (he had been a very hardworking, intelligent, driven man) and life was very difficult with two young children and a dh who was drinking wine for breakfast, lunch and dinner and collapsing on the floor through his excesses all the while denying he had any problem. When he died I downsized our home in order to keep things going. Yes there was money from his 'estate' that I received but I paid for the funeral, the house move, a memorial - I continued to take my children on holidays to build new lovely memories and my daughter's private education was upheld until I could not cope financially with it any more (a further 6 years). A year after he died I had a breakdown. I never asked for help of any kind then - nor was I offered any. I have had to have work done on our new home and never had I asked for, or expected any contributions towards our lives. I made sure that contact was maintained with their grandparents for all of our sakes, they were the last contact we really had with their Dad and it felt vital that we were together so we could continue to talk about him (in a better light than they had grown to become used to seeing at home) and for the benefit of my in-laws as they had lost a son and my children were the only two grandchildren. That is why I feel slighted - not because I am 'grabby', not because I am 'expecting' anything . Our children expect birthday presents - should we not give them for fear they may grow up 'grabby'. Have you never said or typed anything in the heat of the moment and just felt that for a minute you would like to express yourself unedited??So for those of you who have seen my point and read through the anger to see the upset and feeling of hurt I thank you. For the others of you who were so quick to label me - go and take a look at yourselves before you start hurling stones at people you don't know. Thank you.

Rainbows - I am nearly 52, no more children for me and I have no intention of remarrying at any stage. I had my children later in life and am still parenting them to the best of my ability. I don't have boyfriends here, nor do I impose my adult life on them in any way other than to let them see I have friends. You are making my life up for me!

Thespian you certainly had a rough ride on here but plenty who could see how painful this has been for you

The bottom line is as I said above there is no legal duty to leave money to grandchildren but that many wills (mine included) say if any of my chilren die before I do and their chidlren survive then my estate goes instead of to that child of mine to their children to be shared. That is what most standard wills of grandparents say but there is no legalobligation to do it that way.

I always worked full time even when there were babies so that means that my children will not need an inheritance from anyone to sort us out financially as I work and earn but not all women do that. I think the sooner women stop giving up work and hoping feckless alcoholic men will provide the better. Keep your full time job even if it's tiring. It tends to pay off and make sure your daughter pick very very high paid work even if they don't like the sound of it. It makes a remarkable differenec to their lives when they do so.

What is very very high paid work?

Well it's all relative but I mean the kind that means you won't worry if your parents in law don't leave you money. Eg my daughters and I are London lawyers. They will eat and live well even if no inheritances as they earn their money and it's not a minimum wage job.

Maybe you could just drop the goady fuckery now?

Mine aren't clever enough to be lawyers but I do agree with you sort of.

Maybe you could just drop the goady fuckery now?

Seconded.

Thespian, these threads are always full of complete arseholes, really sorry about that. take care of yourself.

janetbrown i work. Always have. I support special needs children in main stream schools. Now you can stop second guessing my life. I did not meet a wealthy alcoholic. He was not an an alcoholic when we met!! And..... get this...... we met in the workplace where we were both senior manager!!!! Now ypu just trot off now and troll someone else.

It's Xenia.

Anticipating an inheritance is laying yourself wide open to disappointment imo (unless you know what's in the will, of course). People do the weirdest things. DP's grandfather left his entire £500k estate to the British Legion, not to his only child and/or grandchildren. His ex MIL left her personal estate (£40k) to her first grandchild, despite having 4 GCs by the time she died, she had never changed her will. That trust was worth in excess of £100k by the time SS was able to access the money, but there was never any bitterness from her other children, despite them being far poorer than SS's mother. SS accepts that his GF may redress this in his will, by making bequests to the other 3, and has absolutely no problem with it.

Had I been your MIL, the will would have made provision for your children, but she did what she thought was right and appropriate at the time. I understand how disappointing and hurtful this is, but think being "utterly enraged" is a bit strong.

All of which reminds me that I must make a will, otherwise my estate will go to my bipolar brother who will blow it on harebrained business schemes in his next manic episode.

Op you sound like a wonderful mother and you've had a hard time both in life and on this thread. Please ignore the goady arseholes on here and try to move past this disappointment. I hope your sil opens Isa's for your kids / pays for uni or something like that.

kayteed thankyou. X

I think most people who read your posts were in side thespian the problem is the goady fuckers are always the ones who make themselves heard!

*on side

I feel bad for you OP as I would have thought your PIL may have left something to you and the kids in lieu of their son being around.

However, I think you have more right to feel hurt than enraged. They didn't owe you anything.

You're also in no way 'beholden' to your SIL, it's not like she's now in control of your money and you have to go to her for a monthly handout!

It's exactly the same as it presumably was with PIL....that if they chose to help you out in some way, it was a gift or favour. It's exactly the same for SIL.

Flip I think people are a lot more sympathetic about the dc not receiving anything.

Frankly, it's a bit mad to think your ex-inlaws should leave you anything!

Very easy to airily declare not to "expect anything" from a parent's will... when you know full well that you are a beneficiary of your parent's will.

Well I fully expect my parents to leave everything to DB, and to try and do so in (what they think is) a hurtful way because they are very materialistic, toxic people, but I already have the attitude Gillian suggests and it means I find their behaviour silly. I expect it will still be rubbish when they die, but I won't be stressing out about their estate at all.

So I think Gillian's advice is right and not situational at all. Expect nothing, be pleased with something, be laid back.

I would say some of the goady fuckers have several user names and are poster liberally on a number of threads. Sad bastards.