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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 18:16

You're 23 and you only think you might like a family....don't do it. You don't sound even vaguely like you actually want a baby.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 18:17

Yes, that is a good way of describing it. Your posts are just that - flat.

No life or enthusiasm.

I think I too might have felt that way if, at 23, I was already being lined up to be a stay-at-home wife to a consultant in a nice posh house - instead of starting out my career, clubbing, house-sharing, and... generally being 23!

Not to diss what could be a totally wonderful relationship OP... but, remember that at 23 there's a pretty significant gap between you and that's something that you both should acknowledge. He's moved into the 'consolidation' phase - it doesn't mean that that needs to apply to you too and it doesn't mean that if you don't feel ready for things he does, then he's the one in the right and you're immature/indecisive/not serious etc.

You're still really young. Enjoy it. And forget about babies for a good couple of years, definitely!

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 18:18

Well, I'm not interested in clubbing or house shares. Thanks, though, but were not all the same.

OP posts:
Mumchance · 24/05/2017 18:18

More that, if you're going to have a baby, it makes sense for me to be the one to not work and look after it.

Says who? Because your job isn't as 'important', and you don't earn as much? Bugger that for a game of soldiers. You're not the one who wants a baby in a year. You've got aeons of time, and I think you shouldn't feel rushed into anything you're not sure about, and you clearly aren't. If he wants, the baby, he needs to figure out how he is going to do half the parenting.

NotYoda · 24/05/2017 18:19

You don't sound enthusiastic about having a child, and you'd be right not to. There's loads more talking that needs to be done before embarking on this

Mumchance · 24/05/2017 18:20

You don't need to be interesting in clubbing or houseshares, OP, but you shouldn't be writing off your life to be a SAHM to a child you're far from sure you want at 23, because someone else thinks it 'makes sense.' What do you like? What do you want? Who are you?

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 18:21

if you're going to have a baby, it makes sense for me to be the one to not work and look after it.

-no, it doesn't.

He isn't more important than you. His careeer isn't more important than yours. And money isn't everything.

You could in fact say that out of the two of you, he's had more years to finish his training and get ahead, so for you to be equal in your partnership and if HE is the one who wants a family in his early 30s, then he should take advantage of his qualified status to go part-time at least, allowing you to also spend your vital 20-something years career building, like he did. He could easily return full time when children go full time at school. Then you'd both have had the crucial career years.

:) Why do I get the feeling that he would never consider that in a million years?

Be careful, OP - no, he's not more important than you and if you become parents, in order for it and your relationship to work, he would need to step up.

NotYoda · 24/05/2017 18:22

FizzyGreenWater

Yes. Your post is hard-hitting, but it's what the OP needs to hear

Kleinzeit · 24/05/2017 18:22

I didn't see it exactly as a Master Plan! But that perhaps, having lost his own family so young, he is trying to make up ground and planning his life to create his own stable career and home and family and he is pushing the OP along in that direction too. But it's all too fast and a bit of a fantasy and if they rush things then the reality of family needs is going to hit him with a big bump!

NotYoda · 24/05/2017 18:22

posts

NotYoda · 24/05/2017 18:23

If you read a number of posts on this thread the OP isn't alone in thinking that 'it's what women do'

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 18:24

I think he does Klein and I feel the same.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 18:25

No, of course we're not all the same. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that if you were on board with where he wants to be at this point in his life - you would probably not be posting.

It's blisteringly obvious that you don't want a baby at 23, nor are you at all ready for one.

It also seems quite obvious that you and your DH are on very different pages, and I guess what we're trying to say is that your page is just as valid and important as his.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:26

And money isn't everything.

it really is if you don't have it!

but on MN you can run a happy family on love and hugs alone Hmm …..

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:27

OP it's okay to say that you don't want a baby yet

It doesn't mean that you can't hope for one in the future

cestlavielife · 24/05/2017 18:27

What work do you do op ?
You don't have to give it up.
Childcare comes out of both wages

Have you friends? Maybe some who have kids?

ALittleMop · 24/05/2017 18:28

At 23 some people are ready to be parents, but in my circle most are absolutely not. I didn't even know who the fuck I was at 23.

Do you have a career, a job, things you want to do and be? Would a child, now, interfere with that?

Family support is great (though often comes with strings) but is absolutely not essential to happily parenting young children.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/05/2017 18:30

TinselTwins - fair point, but I'm saying that in the light of OP's posts about her situation. They do 'have it' - in that he's finished training, is earning well (and will earn better) and they already have massive mortgage etc.

So my point there would be that they also have the wriggle room for - if OP wanted to build a career and DH wanted the kids - they could potentially downsize from the massive mortgage in order for him to cut back on career building for a few years, for example.

Mumchance · 24/05/2017 18:30

I guess what we're trying to say is that your page is just as valid and important as his

Absolutely. And, OP, it may seem incredibly presumptuous to say so, but I bet that if your mother were alive and you'd told her what you've said on here, she'd say the same. You don't have to go along with someone else's life plan, and you certainly don't have to have a child at 23 because your husband is trying to fill a familial void. Because having a child is not at all like having a parent. You can't make up for the absence of an older generation by reproducing like crazy, especially if all this is happening at your expense.

BiddyPop · 24/05/2017 18:31

Even if you do have a baby, it doesn't mean that you need to give up work and be a SAHM. There are very good nurseries/Creche's, and childminders/nannies, who can give the support to 2 working parents. Or even to a single parent (if you want to think of it in that way - not that you would be single but if you have the child rearing responsibilities while DH does the long and unsocial and non-negotiable hours).

But if you are still just enjoying being 23, do that.

You can still have plenty of energy in YOUR early 30s for a baby, when you've got a chance to enjoy life, see the world, explore life, do a few hobbies, and get ahead on activities that babies tend to restrict (like dinners out or theatre shows or music gigs or climbing mountains or skiing or sailing or mad weekends away with friends....).

That said, you can get backpacks to take babies up mountains and there are cinema showings for babies etc. And an 8 year old is well capable of charging up mountains as well!

miserableaboutbrexit · 24/05/2017 18:34

I have 4 dc, I am not in contact with my parents, Dh only has a father, who provides no help or support.

We've never had any help with any of our dc other than from friends. It's doable, I'm sure it's easier with help but we've never known any different.

If you want dc then I definitely wouldn't let lack of support put you off. It's been hard but not overwhelming and obviously my dc are my life and my love (and dh of course!!) and make my life worth living in all honesty.

nina2b · 24/05/2017 18:36

Your title is not very nice.

Garlicansapphire · 24/05/2017 18:36

Seems an odd excuse not to have a baby. Have you discussed this with your DH? Does he want them? If you don't then I think you need to say that loud and clear not use lack of parents as an excuse. I'm presuming though you have discussed this with him as youre recently married and its important to be clear on these things before you hitch your waggons together.

I got absolutely zilch help from anyone - parents too elderly on both sides. I managed and I'm not exactly superwoman. (Modest)

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 18:39

I get where you are coming from and it does seem a bit of a silly reason. However, I will say this. If we didn't have support from my mum and my partners sister when our second was born I honestly don't know what we would have done. She was born with heart disease that has no cure and ended up down the transplant route which was a plane ride away while we waited indefinitely to get a new heart and get home. Yes without support we would have manage but we also wouldn't have been able to get to the hospital when they called telling us to prepare for the worst. (We don't drive and my mum did) so I can see why support is needed but I don't think it's a reason not to have kids as plenty of people work around that all the time. My experience probably isn't helpful but it is another perspective. (Haven't read past the first page)

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 18:42

Well this is what I mean pain, the number of times I have heard "I could not have done it without my mum/dad." Usually mum. Which neither of us have. Childcare would be more than I earn.

OP posts:
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