To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

But the thing is, I think nut having a family of your own does make you want your own. Maybe that's wrong though. I don't know.

Then I do strongly recommend some couples counselling before you start your family, so as to get some of these issues out in the open and resolved. You both need to understand where each other are coming from and respect each other's feelings, including the irrational ones, yours as much as his. DH and I did couples counselling for different issues - he wasn't sure he wanted a child, I was desperate - and it was well worth it. It took time but it meant that when we did have a child, he really wanted to, and when DS turned out to have some additional needs, we were both there, on it, together. My worry is that if things go tits-up with his family dream your DH will just collapse or else he'll check out of domestic life for work and leave you to deal with it.

The idea that you have to give up your job doesn't make sense to me either. At 23 you could spend a few years building up your career and then share things more equally if you have children later on. If that's what you want to do. See there are all these options. But your DH can only see one option, which is to start your family now. He's got tunnel vision.

I'll never earn as much as DH though, I am on just above minimum wage at the moment .

The childcare needs to be seen as coming half from your wage and half from his.

It isn't the case that because you earn less actual cash, your choices are worth less and should be subsumed for the overall bank balance of the family.

If everyone is to be happy and equally valued, it just can't work like that. This is I think what folk mean when they say he will have to step up - he cannot have it both ways. He cannot continue with his life and career exactly as it was before children and have the children.

It is probably another good reason why you should in fact both wait - until both of you are more deeply settled with how you want your joint life to proceed.

Malfish I was 24 (and married) when I got pregnant, I wasn't interested in clubbing etc, houseshares are my idea of hell... I wouldn't worry about those opinions

You might find you don't actually feel you need that much support :) Your babies might be a joy, they probably will be to be honest as you will love them a ridiculous amount :)

I really dont want to be insensitive pain - that does sound really very hard and I'm very sorry you had such a distressing time. Thank goodness you did have support around you.

But malfish are you really not going to have babies in case you are really, really unlucky and have a child with a very rare condition? There are around 700,000 live births every year and only a teeny tiny proportion have any health problems.

You sound like you're making excuses. Its okay to not want children. I know it can be very annoying when you get married and everyone expects you to start producing heirs...

Then I do strongly recommend some couples counselling before you start your family

That's a great idea, marraigecare is really good, it's a christian organisation but the courses aren't about god, it's about discussing each other's financial skills/plans/aspirations and attitudes towards things like kids and parenting

If you and dh both want to be parents you'll find a way. Lots of us have no practical support and get through. When they were born, my dc had living GPS. One was very elderly and lived in another country, my mum had a degenerative neurological disease and was cared for by my dad. Sh died when youngest as 6 months. Dad died a year later.MIL died too. We coped and had good fun.

OP, if you don't mind me asking, how old were you when your parents died, and (if you were young) who brought you up? Are those people still in your life?

I think it is wise to think carefully before you have children - but I would add my voice to those who say you absolutely can manage without having involved parents who help with childcare, @malfish11.

Both dh's and my parents were still alive when our three dses were born, but we had moved for dh's work, so none of them lived close enough to have offered any child care - and anyway, both dh's parents were still working, and my mum doesn't like small children, so in reality, I doubt they'd have offered.

I built a support network for myself. I did NCT classes and went to NCT groups both before and after the dses came along, and I went to Toddler groups too - and through these, I made some wonderful friends - and we all gave each other a lot of support.

When the dses went to school, I made more friends at the school gate, and my support network grew.

We were able to afford our living expenses on dh's pay, so I was a SAHM, from before ds1's birth until after I had ds2. I did go back to work for about a year, but when I got pregnant with ds3, my take home pay (as a theatre nurse) would have covered the bill for the three of them at nursery, with about £2 left over - so I went back to being a SAHM.

Yes, parenthood is hard work - and if you are a SAHP whose dp works long hours, then a lot of the child care and housework falls on you - but I look at my three sons, who are now 20, 22 and nearly 24, and I am so full of pride in them, and have such joy in knowing them, that I wouldn't have changed a single thing.

Just to echo that if you are not sure then wait. Both of you are relatively young. You have twenty years of potential child bearing ahead of you.

So wait, and say you'll review inthree/ five / even ten years time. If you want children then you will find a way without support, which is the position that more people than you realise are in.

garlican not insensitive at all. All I have is my mum and even that can be extremely rocky. My partners sister was only able to help one or two nights but to be fair she also had a heart baby that same year so things were tough lol. I honestly don't believe that even in situations like mine, having no support is reason enough. I just don't think it is I think having kids should be because you want one and not always about the practicalities. My daughters condition is quite rare and many babies are born perfectly healthy and even with the ups and downs it's relatively easy with just the one.

I guess that could be a starting point op. Have the one child (don't rush into a second because your hormones may make it sound like a great idea lol) see how things go, try to et to school age while just having the one (so you experience all the ups and downs) and if childcare costs are an issue at least your one child can be in school full time before you have another. Just see how it goes with one and if you feel a second would be too much without support (don't be fooled into thinking one is easy another will be too, because in my experience it isn't but also even with a healthy child it is a lot harder) then stick with one knowing that you can always cope no matter what because it is just one child. You are still young (I'm the same age) and if you wanted to wait until your first child is say, 13 then having another would still be quite easy as the 13 year old will be fairly independent. You have age on your side (depending on your partners age, mine is 41 this year so age is slightly against us lol) good luck in whatever you choose though but a decision like having kids has to come from the heart. Even though it's hard I love my babies and that makes everything bearable.

I had no family who could help and I had 4 DCs in 6 years. DH works abroad more often than not. When necessary we employed au pairs to help, other than that I just got on and did the parenting myself. You soon make friends with other Mums. It never once occurred to me not to have DCs. I am sometimes envious of the amount of help some parents get from family members, but there are many threads on MN alerting me to the negative aspects of this!

My parents are both deceased and PIL live in another country.

You get support from other places and family is what you make it.

YABU if you want kids. If you don't, then don't have them.

Strange question indeed.

What level of education do you have OP? Your relationship sounds incredibly unbalanced, you've basically been with your DH since you were a child, have you ever been independent?

When kids were young I lived hundreds of miles from family members on both sides. We both worked full time. We used childcare that cost us a fortune til they went to school - then used before and after school childcare.
You cut your cloth according to need............. in any case it's unreasonable to expect parents to look after your children when they have already done that.
If parents offer or choose to help that is a bonus of course.

I think your thoughts are rational & should form part of your debate

Emma, my dad's still alive ... my mum died when I was 14. I lived with my dad for a bit. Then I didn't really live anywhere permanent just slept at friends houses and I lived in my dads caravan a bit and then moved in with oh.

I've got some GCSEs and an nvq.

What do you do now when dh is working?
Do you work same hours ?
How would finances work if you had dc and gave up work?
Talk before dc
Will you equally have access to his earnings as family money ?
Do you have friends locally?

If you don't want kids, don't have kids.

If you do want kids, have kids. I'm managing with fuck all support at the moment and it's not ideal, but I love them and I take it one day at a time.

I'm now so confused!

Having no family does make you want your own, I agree OP. I was orphaned in my teens and always knew I wanted children, BUT before I did so I went to university, learned to take care of myself, made good friends, built a career, kissed a few frogs and then married a man who knows I am his equal and is happy to join in juggling jobs and domestic life. I wasn't pushed into it when I was uncertain by an older partner who had full control of the purse strings and no intention of sharing the workload.
DH's parents live abroad so we always knew we'd have to pay for any support and we did (nanny, babysitters - we've got 3DC). So it's completely do-able without parental assistance but I'm not sure I would do it in your position, yet.

Hi OP. I've only read your first post. So apologies if discussion has moved on.
I had no partner when my first was born. I lived with my Mum DB & DS (both very much younger and in school.
My Mum was very hands off and worked full time with a very active social life. So I was to intents a single Mum of three.
I was fine.
I went on to have 2 more DCs in 3 years while married to an abusive dick head. I left him (DV) when my youngest was 16 months. I had 3 under 5 and by now had no contact with my 'family' due to said abusive dick head.
I coped fine. You cut your cloth to fit as my DGM would say.

I do appreciate people saying their parent slige a long way away or were busy but it's not the same as not having anybody, really, I'm not saying that to be horrible it's just how it is?

Sorry I got that wrong OP, you did mention your dad but I obviously didn't retain that bit of information

I do think it's a bit worrying that you went straight from an unstable living situation to living with your DH, and your relationship is rather unequal. He is older, with more education/training and a higher paid job, and he might think (and persuade you) that means he gets to call the shots. But it doesn't.