To not have children because of our dead parents?

[malfish11]

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

I don't really know to be honest. I like the thought of having a family, I think. DH is 30 in September.

OK - Dr is slightly different to my (engineer) DH - who does long hours but can drop things if necessary most of the time. You will probably be the person, not necessarily parenting alone but the person who would be on call if something goes wrong or having to cover DC being ill etc.

We had crèche, partly as always have cover (and as a chain, they could call on other branches for cover if needed) whereas childminders don't generally have the same cover for holidays or their own illnesses - but may take DCs who are a little unwell faster than crèche would.

When a little older, au pairs may make sense as additional help or as childcare. When DH was away 2 weeks out of 4, the AP did school drop off, collected from school twice a week, and did some housework too. And was company for me. You can get APs who do more or less than that level of household support. Our APs came through an agency and had to go to English classes as part of their contract, so they also made a network of friends and were guaranteed to be out at classes 2 evenings a week.

Getting a cleaner makes huge sense. We had one before the APs, and while we managed for about 2 years without one after APs finished, we have a service again for a year and love it.

Organisation is hugely important. Packing bags the night before, meal planning, diary planning ahead of time etc.

When DD was small, we had oodles of clothes for her. Not necessarily expensive ones, just LOTS. So the laundry could get backed up if need be and she'd still have plenty. We also do laundry on the basis of trying to wash a load most days and get that dry, but only folding and sorting once a week, so there's a clean clothes basket in the kitchen to rifle through if we need something. We only iron shirts.

And also having a well stocked freezer and store cupboard, and being able to make fast meals from store cupboard items if need be. Always having a spare bottle of calpol before the 2am temperature. And not letting things like milk or nappies run low - always having at least 2 days supply in the house.

Sorry, slight brain dump there, hope it makes sense, but go for it!

OP if you really want a baby believe me nothing will dampen that desire! support or not....thousands of women manage without family or friend support or even a partner, but it takes maturity and acceptance of the inevitable restrictions a child brings.

I had 2 under 2 abroad with no support at all, and a DH who travelled for work constantly and was too tired to help when he was home...

BUT l really really wanted my DCs to the point of not being able to think about much else...

also l was in my late 30s had run my own business, travelled a lot and lived alone, so was ready to make some sacrifices to my freedom and lifestyle to have a family.

The friends l knew that struggled were those who assumed life would be just the same and a baby would ' fit in' and that no sacrifices were required. Some had an unrealistic idea of motherhood, it does require effort!

Personally l was so happy to finally have my family nothing seemed too hard...and l had lived and done lots of the things that were important to me.

You are very young and the burden will fall on you mostly so make sure you are really prepared to put the baby first ....or wait and live a little first....

I don't really know to be honest

Then you are not ready.

I thought your OH was a lot older than you. Seven years is nothing.

I was 31 having DD, we'd been married 6 years and enjoyed getting to know each other and have some fun together before contemplating DCs, I went back to do a Masters when DD was 9 months old (FT in year 1, part time around work in year 2) and we managed it all. And, as I said, both DH and I have professional jobs which involve travel and are both managers - so perfectly feasible

I do want a child. But realistically if I find it all really hard I can't then put it back so I want to give it careful thought.

Hi op, I don't think YABU. I had my first when I was 26. She was diagnosed with a disability. I found those early days awful. V little family support and hubby worked all week, didn't see DD1 in the week because of it. I've seen friends with family support and I see how much easier their life is because of it. Lots of children with DD1's disability have lots of hospital appointments and stays. I'm really lucky as DD1 doesn't but if she did, I honestly don't know how we would cope. My friend has a son with same disability and when he is in hosp, her parents do school runs and after school stuff with her other son. Her PIL help out too. I just wouldn't have that. I remember those early days as feeling completely alone and abandoned. So I don't think YABU. Support makes a massive difference. However, it's not the be all and end all. Both DD's went to nursery while I worked part time. I got a different job when they started school so I'm around to do pick ups and holiday care etc. So it's doable. It just would be tonnes easier with support. Good luck with whatever you decide

"I don't really know to be honest. I like the thought of having a family, I think."

I suggest you think a bit more until you do know. You might never be 100% sure but you need to be a damn sight more sure than you sound right now!

I've just had my first child, and even though I always knew I wanted children, my DH is incredibly supportive (he works from home and does more than his share), and my mum helps out occasionally, it's still incredibly hard work.

Being a SAHM with a husband who works long hours is my idea of hell tbh. But each to their own!

Oh and your DH is still young at 29. You are too. How long have you two been in a relationship for? How long have you been living together?

Well this is what people keep saying to me, Emma, that oh, it's so hard even with partners on hand and parents to help out! So obviously I am worried.

Been living together for 5 years so a while.

Do NOT Have children sooner rather than later if you do want them but just not yet

Don't get me wrong, I know very young mums who wanted to be young mums who are about as content with their choices as it's possible to be

However my friends who had them sooner than they would have ideally chosen I feel tend to "rebel" against it from time to time. They're good mums, but also have a grass is greener element to how they feel about it and are more likely to leave their kids with whoever's available to go and do "young things". There is an element of resentment and trying to catch up and re-live things they think they missed.

You'll be fine without family help, if you have them when you're ready !

It's hard but worth it if you want children in the first place.

I think you definitely need a husband/partner who does his share. Family support is optional if you have that, but essential if you don't, IMO.
However, there are single parents who manage without support, but I don't know how many would choose it.

If your DH wants a child, and you make it clear you aren't planning to be a lone parent while married to him, then he'll re-prioritise. If he's already a consultant, even better -- then he can take advantage of the various schemes aimed at consultants who want to work part-time or flexibly, or to job share.

Your latest updates about your DH put a different perspective on the issue. He is pressurising you to have children (at a fairly young age - 23 and 30) but doesn't want to change his lifestyle to accommodate said children, leaving you to make all the changes.

I think it's telling that you are worried about social services taking your baby away if you have PND - you're already expecting that it will be difficult, and I should point out that normally they'd expect the other parent to be the primary carer until you recover. You think you'll probably give up work - do you actually want to do this? Plenty of people manage to work after having children. What are your ambitions for your life and career? Are you in a job where you can return to work easily after a few years as a SAHM?

If he really wants children why won't he make some of the changes to make family life easier, like changing his role to a more family-friendly role? Is he controlling on other ways?

If you are not sure about having children, you should postpone making a decision. At 23 you have plenty of time.

He has trained for years and we couldn't afford our mortgage without him working.

He may be older but that doesn't necessarily make him wiser. (29? a mere child ) Tell him to hold his horses. You both have bags of time. So why the hurry? He sounds a bit bossy and terribly driven - enormous mortgage, desperate to start a family, working all hours. Is he a Man with a Plan that he expects you to fit in to?

To be honest neither of you sound ready to start a family. He wants one but he is unprepared for the emotional and practical legwork (though I'm sure he will be financially supportive). And you are (quite reasonably) still uncertain. Give yourself time to think this through, as much time as you need. Don't let him browbeat you. And since neither of you have families, you might benefit from a bit of couples counselling to talk through the implications of that before you go ahead.

Do you work now OP? Are you prepared to sacrifice that for your DH's career?
Immaterial of the situation with your parents (which shouldn't influence your decision either way), you don't sound like you're remotely bothered about having a child, you sound a bit non-commital really.

What do you actually like doing for fun? Your posts are strangely flat... you're so young! are you ok?

I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. I have a job. Might look into further training one day.

Ahaaaaa now it all makes more sense :)

I was wondering at how odd your post sounded - it was as if you were asking a question which you really weren't even sure about yourself, almost as if it were a whole idea alien to you in the first place.

And it is. Because this isn't coming from you, but from him.

No, from the tone of your posts, I think that you very much should not have children now (that would have been my opinion even if you'd stopped at the post which said you are only 23, by the way). But the rest of it really puts the tin lid on it. DO NOT have a baby because it's what he wants but not necessarily you. Especially at only 23. And especially especially if that person fully intends to continue his life and career exactly the same while delegating most of the childcare to you. That is really really not a good idea.

Overall the picture here isn't great - I know it's only a snapshot but your DH is not exactly coming across well here. One could say it sounds very much like he's got the great career, tick, finished his training, tick, found a wife, got the big mortgage, tick tick... so now it's time for the kiddies to come along. You? Only 23, been with him since you were 18, quite a bit younger, and clearly not yet sure what you want to do with your life, or even whether you really want children. Hmmm.

At 23, I would have said I didn't want children. I certainly wasn't interested in having them or even giving serious thought to whether that was part of my life plan. Because at 23, that's the way it should be - unless you definitely are in the 'I really want children young' camp.
You are clearly not. Do you work? Do you have a career? Do you want one? What are your dreams? Do they include opting to be a stay-at-home-parent in your early 20s? Because that's quite a choice. And not one HE wanted for himself, that's for sure.

I think that you should say to your DH exactly what's come out of this thread. That at 23 you are far too young to be thinking about children yet. Maybe in five years. You want to work out exactly what you want from life, career, everything. You have plently of time. And because he is the man, so does he. If he wanted to make sure that he became a father at 30... he should have picked a partner nearer his own age, for a start. :)

I would be very interested to hear his response to that. Because if he's a man worth having, it should be an enthusiastic yes, it has to be right for both of us, it's only fair you get your stab at developing a career too, like me, now that we are starting to be financially comfortable, yep I wouldn't have wanted babies at 23 either.

If you get anger, disappointment, pressure, manipulation, and the attitude that you should be falling in with His Master Plan... then it could be time for a serious think.

Oh Kleinzeit cross-posts! A Master Plan indeed!!!

Well, for starters do you even want kids? Now? When I was 23 one thing I knew was I was not ready for kids!
Are you ok means just that?

DH and I have four degrees each, but that's not any kind of alibi when it comes to being a largely absent parent to a small child! My five year old doesn't give a shiny shite that I have three postgraduate degrees and went to university for a million years.

And we moved out of central London to a cheaper part of the country to allow us to change our work-life balance in order to have a child,.

OP, I'm actually getting more than a bit concerned about this. Are the things you are saying echoing things your DH is saying? Neither a career that has taken a lot of effort and time, nor a mortgage are reasons why his job can or should be regarded as beyond compromise, if he wants a child. But I think it's deeply unreasonable of him to expect a 23 year old to give up everything to be a SAHM for a child she's not sure she wants yet or at all, when he's the one rushing her, and has no intention of compromising his career.

This is nothing to do with an absence of supportive grandparents, and everything to do with someone expecting their spouse to do all the parenting while their life continues unabated.

I didn't really mean that. More that, if you're going to have a baby, it makes sense for me to be the one to not work and look after it.

You do have support, you have each other.

I'm an only child, parents died when I was 21 and 25. I had DS at 26 knowing I was on my own, his father was never on the scene. I was financially secure (well relatively, i had a mortgage and a good job, although i left when pregnant for something more 9-5). I did the whole thing on my own, it wasn't that hard, and I am certainly no supermum! DS wasn't a particularly easy baby, he didn't sleep fully through the night til he was 3 at least but whilst it would have been easier with family around, it wasn't impossible without.

And what i really missed was someone to share baby stuff with, but you will be able to share all that with your DH. I really don't think having no living parents should prevent you from being parents yourselves.