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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
PidgeonSpray · 24/05/2017 16:43

YANBU.

If you don't think you could raise a family without support, then don't do it.

There's no way I could have kids without family and friends to help.

There's plenty of other enjoyment you can get out of life without being tied to a child 24 hours a day x

sunbird17 · 24/05/2017 16:49

Growing up, my parents both worked full time (with my Dad being away during the week for a few years). My paternal grandparents died before I was born and my maternal grandparents lived abroad. My parents coped fine.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 16:50

"DH is a doctor, he needs to work long hours.

I don't think I am immature. DH wants us to think about having a family soon but I am concerned we have no support."

A lot of doctors work long hours but there are doctors who don't. Doctors who want children and want to spend time with them choose specialisms and working hours that are compatible with family life.

Sadly, it's often female doctors who make those choices, while a lot of male doctors still prioritise careers and expect their wives/partners to do the vast majority of childcare.

It's typical, really, that it's your DH who's talking about starting a family and it's you who's thinking about how it might work in practice. If he wants a family he needs to think about his work/life balance.

Unless you're perfectly happy to look after the children by yourself while he's working such long hours, of course.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 16:50

DH is a doctor, he needs to work long hours.

I don't think I am immature. DH wants us to think about having a family soon but I am concerned we have no support.

AHHH in that case YANBU!

Your DH needs to listen to your concerns, because as a doctors partner the majority of the parenting pressure will fall to you! It is one of the least family friendly jobs there is!

I don't have family support (I HAVE family, but they're not supportive Wink ) but I have an OH who can take his share of days off if kids have a bug, and who does his share of re-arranging his work life so that our family life works. Your DH can't do that so I don't blame you for worrying that you don't have other support

Kleinzeit · 24/05/2017 16:52

It sounds a bit as if you are asking "but who will look after me?" and that's a sensible question to ask. Pregnancy and new motherhood are demanding. They make us vulnerable. Working 14 hours a day and some weekends doesn't leave your DH much time for nurturing either a baby or you. Turn around and ask him, what will he do if you get PND? Do not accept "we'll manage somehow", ask him for specifics - how exactly?

And if he just says "other people manage" then understand that you are not the immature one in this.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 16:54

Well said klein.

NotYoda · 24/05/2017 16:54

DH is a solicitor. Could be a partner/rolling in it/retired soon

He made compromises when mine were young which meant he was around. No regrets

Italiangreyhound · 24/05/2017 16:55

Just seen your update... "Thanks, looks like we're trying for a baby then!"

Great news.

By the way you are not immature nor are you wrong to think about it and how things will work out.

AliceTown · 24/05/2017 16:55

Completely agree with Kleinzeit. It is so important for you to have support - it's just not necessarily parents. Having a supportive partner is absolutely essential. So he either needs to be there or pay for you to have someone with you. You definitely shouldn't be struggling alone.

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 17:04

Thanks. I don't know if we could afford external support (big mortgage) so just have to see I suppose.

OP posts:
Tw1nsetAndPearls · 24/05/2017 17:14

Sorry I posted and then had to run as ds needed me.

I was going to say that DH and I have 2 children with no real family support - in fact family opposition. We have coped despite going through some very difficult times.

However we have each other. My husband works from home and is very hands on and I know I couldn't cope without him. Right now I am unwell and so he is in many ways having to cope on his own - and it is very hard and neither of us would want it to be this way for much longer.

We would like a third child but we are realising that if there is a chance that I may get ill again it wouldn't be fair to expect DH to cope in his own again.

Kleinzeit · 24/05/2017 17:17

By the way I am not saying that having children is impossible without a Mum on the scene, not at all. DH and I had no family living nearby (though my Mum did come for visits at some critical times!) As necessary we used a nursery, and a cleaner. My Mum also lived a long way away from her own family, my Dad worked long hours, and her GP prescribed a cleaner (though not on the NHS Grin) both to shift some of the housework burden and also as adult company for her. So there are ways and means. But your DH needs to understand that family life isn't something that he gets to take for granted while you carry the domestic load for him.

At 23 you could reasonably spend a few years (a) having fun and / or (b) saving up so you can afford some paid-for support. And (c) building up your own support network of friends and contacts in the area. Flowers

hiveofactivity · 24/05/2017 17:21

malfish - you're right to think about support if your dh is going to largely be a weekend parent. The reality is if you're the main carer all week, you may still find yourself the default parent at weekends too.
Some women are ok with that set up. But its not for everyone.

Do you intend to be a SAHM or to go back to work?
Are you happy to do the lions share of the parenting?

Once you've thought about that, then think about whether you want kids. Then think about whether you want them with someone who will continue to work long hours.

Many people drift into parenthood without thought. It shows maturity to give it serious thought.

Westray · 24/05/2017 17:21

Just seen how old you are OP.

Very young.
I would be having some serious fun before having babies.

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 17:22

DH is keen to have children sooner rather than later (he is older than me) :)

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 24/05/2017 17:27

I have never lived within 150 miles of a relative.

When DS was 6 weeks old we moved abroad, where DH worked 12-14 hour days, 6 days a week, and I knew not a soul. He saw DS awake one day a week.

We survived. Tbh had he kept the same working patterns (12 hours out of the house 5 days a week, IME, is pretty 'normal' and can be managed, but at weekends as well is a real strain) we might have come back from abroad separately, but we ended up moving back here to a slightly less full-on job.

As essentially a lone parent, but an introvert, I forced myself to go out to baby-type groups pretty much every morning, just to speak to other people. I am, however, quite 'tough' and self-supporting. if i was someone who needed more 'nurture', i think it might have been a lot worse.

Westray · 24/05/2017 17:29

Maybe, but it takes two OP.

And presuming the the age difference between you in not huge, he will have decades in which to have kids.

I suspect that you are not ready. Even asking questions like you have in this thread signals that you are not quite sure.

If the time comes that you want to be a mother the feeling will be overwhelming- you won't give the issue of family support a second thought.
You have at least another 15 years comfortably to decide if motherhood is for you,

Mumchance · 24/05/2017 17:31

What stage of being a medic is your DH at? If he's still training, mightn't it make far more sense to postpone having children for some years in order for him to have more control over his schedule? I know loads of medics, male and female, and they have taken time out of training, changed specialisms, done what I think is called 'Less Than Full Time training' etc in order to have children.

I'm just slightly dubious about someone who is pressuring you to have children very young when he seems to be saying he will be generally absent because of his job.

What about your job? Do you want to be a SAHM?

BiddyPop · 24/05/2017 17:33

We have almost no support, DH travels a lot for work and I do a bit again more recently.

DD went to crèche when she was 4 months old, full time, but near our offices so commuted with us daily. DH would drop in mornings, I would collect in evenings. I managed to mix-feed until she was 11 months old (expressed at lunch until 7 months, which was sent to crèche following day for 2 bottles of 4, and BF at home morning and evenings until 9 months, dropped morning feed first and finally the evening dream feed went at just about 11 months).

DD is a much loved DC, but is still an only DC, as that has suited us.

She's now 11. We've gone through early years, getting to primary school and afterschool club, summer camps, outside clubs, friends....managed them all, some better than others.

We have had VERY limited support from family. DPs and DPILs live 250 miles away, and have had very little practical involvement. Maybe 8 weekends where DD stayed with them so we could go away. A week in summer (that we can cover with camps if needed) to do things with them. DPILs came up twice when DH's travels clashed with mine to stay over (we had an aupair at the time but I never felt it was fair to ask them to do overnights alone - DH was away 2 weeks out of every 4 at the time). A DAunt living near us collects DD from afterschool hockey training once a week this year but we had juggled that ourselves before now.

We have made good friends with neighbours who have always said they're available to cover school/afterschool club emergencies or to call them if we need babysitting urgently. I found reliable teenagers for babysitting for social events a few years ago (and we had aupairs for 5 years so that was our babysitting before that). Parents in school have always tended to help each other out - in both emergencies and with longer term arrangement such as car pooling for the offsite hockey training.

Whenever DD was sick, we have just juggled who had more urgent meetings/priorities at work, changed things around and generally each done a close to full day (one would go in extra early and finish at lunch, the other drive to meet them with DD and swop to do the afternoon at work and a later finish than normal, and we'd both do more work at home once she was in bed - so if she was off for a week, we'd each get maybe 3.5/4 days real work done, catch up over the weekend, and just take whatever time off we absolutely needed). But we did have understanding bosses, who saw that we would get things done when needed and not just take time off on a whim, and work on catching up as well.

It was never part of our thought processes that we would have a lot of support, because we don't live close to them. My DPs lived 250 miles from their parents when we were young so had little or no practical support (and indeed were an ocean away for their first DCs first months) - they had 6! And my DF's parents also had far less practical support as they were 250 miles away from their parents, having 7 DCs, and in an era when that distance took all day to travel (few cars, not a great train service, so hours on a few buses to get all the way).

It didn't stop any of them having DCs. My DF and DGF were both senior people in their professions. My DM and DGM were both professionals before marriage, but admittedly were SAHM's after that (marriage bar for DGM, and DM was too remote in her new home to commute to work as the hospitals were in the city and she had no car initially and then too many DCs and few childcare options in those days).

Oldraver · 24/05/2017 17:34

OP...I live in a military town....almost all of the parents have no support...and they have all managed..

I've never actually heard the 'you will need support' to have children. Maybe that's because of where I live but it seems a strange concept to me

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/05/2017 17:39

I feel sorry for parents who have adult children who then plan their families based on the assumption that "granny will look after the baby"

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 17:39

It's all I've heard. DH isn't training, he's older than me. I don't think it's about being ready to be a mother or not, he says we should try within 12 months which would mean I'd be 24 nearly 25. I'd probably stay at home with child.

OP posts:
Westray · 24/05/2017 17:42

Op but if you are having doubts then that means you are not ready.

He may want kids now, but you have to want them too.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 17:44

I agree with klein:
"At 23 you could reasonably spend a few years (a) having fun and / or (b) saving up so you can afford some paid-for support. And (c) building up your own support network of friends and contacts in the area."

And with Mumchance:
"I'm just slightly dubious about someone who is pressuring you to have children very young when he seems to be saying he will be generally absent because of his job."

How old is your DH, OP?

WhiteCaribou · 24/05/2017 17:46

It may be that you just haven't given us your opinion but there's a lot of "he says we should do this" and " he thinks we should do that" as if his wishes are paramount and you have to do what he says. What about whatYOU want? If he said he didn't mind either way when or if you have children, what would you want to do? Have then in the very immediate future? Wait a while? Maybe never have them? It really needs to be a two way discussion, not him telling you what to do and you saying "yes dear" especially as the majority of childcare will fall to you.

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