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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
justanotheryoungmother · 24/05/2017 20:58

If you don't want to have children then you don't have to Smile

If however you want children but this is holding you back, then I'd advise you to have them. Grandparents are an asset but not a necessity; I'm 19 with DD1 (do have a DP but he works) and if I didn't have the grandparents' support then I'd survive and manage, and I'm sure you can too Smile

BaggyCheeks · 24/05/2017 21:08

It's good to hear you talking about wanting to do something for yourself.

I would offer my own life as a cautionary tale, however - if you want to train as a nurse do it before you have children, especially if you don't have flexible child care. I was 23 when I got pregnant with DS(4), I was due to be entering postgrad teacher training, and put it off thinking I would do it when he was a bit older. We then had DD two years later, because at that point it "made sense" to get the neediness of young children out of the way in one chunk, with plans for me to then go into teacher training when she's at school. As they older, and we know what the reality of having children actually is, I worry that it will now never happen. DH will have to pick up a lot of the slack for me to be able to be away full time studying, and that's without the shift work student nurses have to put in - nightshifts and everything.

TL;DR - if you seriously want to enter nursing, do your training BEFORE you have children. It's far easier to slot children into existing work arrangements than it is to find work arrangements that will work around children with no employer goodwill built up.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 21:11

I don't know much about nursing training but I should think it would be pretty impossible to do within school hours!! You would need lots of help with childcare and you won't get that from your DH or elsewhere, will you? Much better to train and qualify before having children.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:12

Maybe it's just not the best job to have with children?

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 24/05/2017 21:13

Mine are both dead and the lack of support never entered my head. My children, my responsibility. We have both managed to work too so it's totally doable.

Most people I know who go on about support really mean they want a baby/child but not 24/7 so they can still have their ore children lifestyle.

Westray · 24/05/2017 21:14

It will be 10 times easier to do nursing before you have kids.

In some ways childcare becomes more difficult when they start school, so many holidays, they get sick, they will start to do extra curricular activities needing lifts after school etc etc.

Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:14

How are you going to do nurse training whilst they're at school? Placements are on the wards! Nights, weekends, 12 hour shifts starting at 7am, 3-4 times a week, plus uni work.

Seriously, do your training first. (I'm a nurse).

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:17

I might not be able to do it at all vroom it's just a thought of something I might like to do.

OP posts:
Westray · 24/05/2017 21:17

Maybe it's just not the best job to have with children?

Any job becomes difficult when you have children.

If you are thinking of training though you should do that now before kids come along.

BaggyCheeks · 24/05/2017 21:19

Well I don't think anyone has found the best job to have with children Smile All working parents have childcare issues to sort out, it's just a case of looking realistically at what the working ours would be, especially in the worst case, and figuring out what would work for your family. Loads of nurses have children, loads of parents work nightshifts, but for it to work they need to have both parents pulling their weight equally.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:21

Yeh but then it's the support thing again isn't it :) I guess maybe the best thing to do is have kids, stay at home with them and maybe re assess in the future.

OP posts:
Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:21

Maybe it's just not the best job to have with children

Don't be daft. It's a great job to have when you have children because its shift work. I have managed to work as a nurse without any family support nearby and children were at nursery. It's longer hours but less days. DH does the drop offs and pick ups.

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 21:23

"I guess maybe the best thing to do is have kids, stay at home with them and maybe re assess in the future."

No!! We're all telling you the complete opposite! It's much easier to get into a job you like - especially if that means (re)training - before you have children. It will be a million times harder after you've had them.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:24

I don't know, I'm still confused. Why train then not be able to work for years?

OP posts:
Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:26

Why would you not be able to work for years? Hmm

Do your nurse training, work, have kids, go part time.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:27

Yeh but who would look after the children when I was at work, even part time?

OP posts:
LongDivision · 24/05/2017 21:27

Without any living parents, we found the first few years a little bit of a struggle. It was hard sometimes to notice how much love and emotional (if not physical) support other friends had from their parents. It sometimes aches when someone complains about grandparents bringing too many presents, "spoiling" their grandchildren, or offering too much advice, etc. I'd love to have those problems! But now that DS is at school, somehow I feel a bit less emotionally vulnerable about it, and we are building a lovely family made up of friends. I'm sure your parents wouldn't want you to stop having children because they are not here. I guess what I want to say is that it's not so simple even if you can afford to buy support, but that it is worth it and it just might take your life in a new, purposeful direction.

Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:28

A nursery? Childminder?

What do you think we all do?

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:28

I do definitely feel like that LongDivision sometimes my heart hurts with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 21:29

yes but shift work means working when nurserys and childminders aren't open.

OP posts:
Westray · 24/05/2017 21:32

DH does the drop offs and pick ups

vroomster- fine if you have an OH who can do this.
Many of us are not so lucky.

Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:32

Some open at 6.30am. And like I said before my DH does the drop offs and pick ups. Private nurseries open early and shut late. Hospitals also have on site nurseries.

Do you really think everyone has grandparents around to provide childcare?

NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 21:33

Yeah but most people just get on with it. Who has granparents to do early morning or late night care? Not many.

You're looking for reasons not to do it. You don't need any not to.

Vroomster · 24/05/2017 21:35

Many of us are not so lucky.

Please don't assume my childcare is a walk in the park. It's a stressful juggling act.

Westray · 24/05/2017 21:40

It's a stressful juggling act.

As it is for many of us. I don;t have an OH who can do school drop off or pick ups, that's all.

Shift work may work OK for you, but I have an OH who works long irregular unplanned hours and stays away from home 2-3 nights a week, often at very short notice.