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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have children because of our dead parents?

450 replies

malfish11 · 24/05/2017 13:43

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/05/2017 19:48

Also, there's no nice way of saying this but I know lots of doctors and not one of them has a partner whose educational attainment and earning potential are significantly mismatched with their own. So that and the age gap make me a bit suspicious of your DH.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 19:49

I knew him when I was at school so maybe it's a bit different, don't know.

OP posts:
Happicuppa · 24/05/2017 19:50

It's a bit worrying that you say you're so confused now op, because it sounds a bit like you are going to literally decide whether to have kids based on what people say in this thread.
obviously people have given great supportive advice but this decision needs to be yours and your dhs, based off of honest conversations.

Do you have any other goals, long or short term? any career aspirations or anything else you are saving for?

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 19:56

Not really. i do think I want children though. But I'm worried I'll be a rubbish mum.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 19:57

"I knew him when I was at school so maybe it's a bit different, don't know."

There's a 6 year age gap, isn't there? (23 and 29) You say you've been living together for 5 years - when you were 18 and he was 24? How old were you both when you met?

I mean this kindly but it does sound as if you were young and vulnerable when you met him - and it sounds as if you hadn't (and still haven't) had chance to think about what you want from life. It's so important to do that, if you can take his wishes out of the equation?

whynomoresmileyfaces · 24/05/2017 19:58

I have no support and a DH who is away from home at work 14 hours a day most days and is often abroad. You get used to your norm and adapt. To be honest if I suddenly got support I wouldn't know how to handle it.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 19:58

Yeh he was in sixth form then. I knew him a bit obviously we weren't together then!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 20:00

"I'm worried I'll be a rubbish mum."

We all worry sometimes about not being a good enough mum - but is there something in particular that makes you think you'll be rubbish? Do you have low confidence in general?

Trooperslane · 24/05/2017 20:02

My parents are both dead.

DM met DD but had very severe dementia at the time.

DMIL is still alive and well, though elderly. DFIL died a few years before my DF.

It breaks my heart to know that DD didn't know her (would be 😍) grandads but she brought so much love to DM, us and continues to for DMIL.

she is the love of our lives and my life would have been so much less fulfilled without her.

We are not even 4 years in.

We have no day today support and guess what - if you want to, you can find a way.

And everyone thinks they'll be rubbish - you've no training, there's no manual - not saying it's easy. You'll find your way.

And most importantly when the shit hits the fan, tomorrow's another day.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 20:08

emma I suppose because I've never really had good parenting myself. I still feel like I don't know if anything I'm doing is right.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 20:16

OP
Flowers
I definitely think you would benefit from some counselling to help you make this decision and feel positive about whichever decision you make.
I'm sure you would make a wonderful mother if that's what you decide. But I hope it's your decision and not something you do because your DH wants it and you feel that you "should" do it.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 20:17

Thanks... not sure about counselling. I do feel alone.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 20:18

Sorry you feel alone Flowers
Why aren't you sure about counselling?

Ginmere · 24/05/2017 20:20

It's hard having children when both your parents have died, I know from bitter experience, but totally doable. My PILs lived about 3 hours away so weren't able to help out as much as they would have liked. It was difficult hearing from other mums about the shopping trips, nights out they had whilst their parents looked after their DC when I was stuck indoors night after night and even worse biting my tongue when they slagged off their parents for not helping out more. Having my two DSs was a blessing and made me feel I had family again if that makes sense?

Crumbs1 · 24/05/2017 20:22

We have never had support from our mothers (both our fathers died when we were children)'or wider extended family. My husband worked away a lot and does very long hours.
In each place we've lived we've had brilliant support from surrogate grandparents/aunts. These have been neighbours, older work colleagues, my husband's secretaries and even the school receptionist at the children's primary school. Not the same as doting grandparents but someone to call on if I needed to take one child to hospital or had run out of nappies due to d&v. Thinking back, people have always been very kind and made the children feel special.
You'll cope just fine and sometimes not having to balance support with a degree of interference might be easier.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 20:24

It does gin that's really why I do want a child. emma I don't know I suppose it can't solve anything. I am happy for what I've got.

OP posts:
Mumchance · 24/05/2017 20:24

Honestly, OP, I think the problems you're worrying about lack of grandparental support, whether you'll be a good mother aren't the most pressing ones for a lot of the people listening to you on this thread. You sound extremely young, extremely vulnerable, from a deeply unideal background due to the loss of your mother in your teens and essentially being homeless after that, and married to someone who assumes his career is your joint priority and is pressuring you into having a child before you're ready, rather than encouraging you to live your life and possibly consider getting the qualifications you didn't get earlier (I assume because of your bereavement and unstable living situation.) Have you considered university and/or training for something you really want to do? The next step may be children for your DH, but I'm far from sure it should be for you.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 24/05/2017 20:32

All grandparents either dead or another country , sister 5 mins away but don't get on
Have awesome support from friends " the family you choose"
There's loads of advice and info flung at you when you have kids you really need to learn to filter

NameChange30 · 24/05/2017 20:35

I agree with Mumchance (not for the first time on this thread! Smile)

OP, the reason I suggested counselling, is that it's a good way to work out what you want with someone completely impartial who won't be pressuring you one way or the other. You say that you feel alone - a good counsellor is someone who listens and supports you, so they will help you to feel less alone, and hopefully more confident about getting support elsewhere (from friends as well as your spouse/partner).

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 20:37

I know. But one hour a week or whatever, it's not enough. It's not what I need.

I would like to train as a nurse.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 24/05/2017 20:38

More of a reason to start a family I'd say

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 20:49

Ignore those who keep bringing up your age gap. Your age gap is nothing. My age gap with my partner is 17years. We have a lot of differences and I will be going back to school and being the earner I don't for one minute think that me being more "intelligent" makes me see my partner as any less. I'm finding those comments quite shocking.

If you feel you want a child then that is what you should do. Obviously you both have to agree lol.

I had so many worries while pregnant I would cry thinking I wasn't going to be a good mum and I'm not great but my kids are happy and can't want for anything. Like I said before you both have age and time on your side. Maybe have one and see how it goes and wait til they are more independents before having another, that way you won't feel so worn thin.

Mumchance · 24/05/2017 20:50

It's good to hear you talking about what you want and what you need, OP! If you want to be a nurse, why not? Figure out what you need to apply, and start planning!

You could have more than an hour a week counselling, but when I was in counselling, I found the sessions so challenging I was reeling for quite a while afterwards. You might want to start off slow and build up.

Emma, I get agreed with very seldom! Grin

PainCanBeBeautiful · 24/05/2017 20:52

If you want to be a nurse (which I'm thinking if also doing) then I'd say do that first as I have two young kids one of whom lived in hospital a while and it's hard graft. Probably best to do the hard footwork before having kids, at least that way you get a feel for it first.

Original poster
malfish11 · 24/05/2017 20:57

It makes more sense to have children first. As then have them and then do nursing when they are at school. I might not be able to do it anyway!

OP posts:
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