DH's costly birthday party plans

[Loopytiles]

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

I hate these ' no children events' , they excludr everyone who can't find people to look after children.

And if I'm having a big event l want my own children with me. Not farmed out elsewhere. In fact I've recently turned down 2 no children events, because they just piss me off big time.

Loopy, you say you feel less important than his friends. I love DH dearly, but I see him every day. Given the choice of a weekend away with him and the DC, or a weekend away with 30 of my good friends (as well as DH) I'd go for the latter in a heartbeat. Maybe your DH feels the same? Nothing beats a get together with old friends.

What about a weekend just the two of you, though, agent, somewhere nice without the DC?

He sees old and new friends regularly.

We spent over £2k going to NY for 5 days and stayed at the Waldorf with dd's (4 and 6) in tow.

I didn't want a party as I hate them. Would rather go away.

Genuinely, I'd rather have a weekend with my friends (as long as DH was there too)

Fair enough

Op you said not going would be the death knell for your marriage. Is that what you really want?

As you said before he's never done this before, it's a one off. Are you sure this is the straw that broke the camels back and you wish to end your marriage over it?

I can't believe he's spent or due to spend £4000 on jollies for himself, want to blow another £2000 more and people are saying, 'Aw, poor DH, he deserves his ickle party weekend. You're only 40 once.' And your kids are only young once.

We have 3 camping trips planned as a family this year, and I have a couple more with Scouts/Cubs that I help out with as my kids are involved. I must be a 'loo snob', though, because 2 bogs for 40-50 folks getting pissed is a definite no from me. I really don't care for drinking when camping, either. I'll have a glass of wine or G&T if in a group, but more than that disrupts my sleep and makes me need to pee a lot and we camp to recharge our batteries and reset our clocks.

I love festivals, but even at those, these days I go with a group and hire one of those yurts that has its own toilet and shower block for yurt people.

I'd also go for the weekend with my mates and take him too. I love him to bits but I see him every day. 😂

I don't mean that I would end the relationship over it, because I wouldn't, more that not attending would be a major statement, embarrassing and he would be really angry.

at "showers for yurt people"

'Op you said not going would be the death knell for your marriage. Is that what you really want?

As you said before he's never done this before, it's a one off. Are you sure this is the straw that broke the camels back and you wish to end your marriage over it?'

So it's her fault if she doesn't kowtow to his demands and he throws the teddies out the pram and threatens divorce over it?

No, I don't want to end the relationship, but nor are we happy together, a lot of the time.

a weekend away with 30 of my good friends

I don't even have 30 good friends. I have plenty of acquaintances
and friends I bump into at events or at the pub, with whom I might spend a couple of hours chatting. But not good friends
who would be prepared to give up an entire weekend, sleep in a field, and struggle to find childcare for said whole weekend.

Nothing beats a get together with old friends
Unless it's in a tent in a field on a cold night with insufficient sanitary arrangements and no hope of a shower. And a Sunday morning spent clearing up plastic cups and beer cans.
It sounds truly awful.

OP your OH is not really considering your feelings at all here is he?

I would have no hesitation about refusing to go.

But I wouldn't find myself living with such a selfish knob, so it's a non issue.

"What I would like is for him to reduce the budget for his celebration to £1000 and do something closer, ie not 3 hours away. "

This sounds very reasonable.

there is no point in half the posters going "woo! Party! Camping! Live a little!" and the other half going "ugh, have a naice tea party instead" based on their personal preferences.

The difficulty here isn't that the OP and her husband don't have the same preferences, but that he won't compromise and is waving away all difficulties. A man who waves away difficulties is a man who is used to his woman dealing with them.

Baffled by people saying £2500 isn't a lot to spend on a party. I guess it isn't to some but to others it's masses.

Just asked DH what he would do if one of his three best friends suggested this for a "0" birthday.

"I'd tell him to sort his head out!" and if he still insisted "Then I wouldnt be there, no fucking way would I go camping anywhere, never mind 3 hours away with no showers and almost no bogs"

He is up for a party anytime, anywhere and will put himself through financial and logistical corkscrews for friends. But even he wouldnt go.

In MN world it isn't much peach, back in the real world, this party is costing more than my wedding. It's a ridiculous amount to spend on a crap party. Why can't he hire a nice house (a big one) and have a normal party. It doesn't have to be 3 hours, camping, no DCs, knowing full well his wife will be miserable but he really doesn't give a fuck as long as she is there to host and clear up. Tell him to sod off OP. Sounds like no one ever has.

Baffled by people saying £2500 isn't a lot to spend on a party

I think it's a mad amount to spend as well.
Even moreso if you aren't comfortably off enough to barely notice it missing from your coffers.

My preference would be the camping but you can't afford it so don't do it. He has plenty of other treats coming up.
If you are not sure what you can afford do a proper budget and include everything.
Also sorry for repeating myself before, about festivals, I completely missed your first reply.

I can imagine the aibu posts from guests summoned to this special celebration- he's being a bridezilla about this party and needs a reality check. He's expecting guests to make expensive and complex arrangements (6 hours' driving and petrol, acquisition of kit, childcare for an entire weekend) and then offering a beer in a barn and a cold hard floor without hot and cold running. Can't you get one of his friends to help deliver the reality check of how unappealing and selfish it is?

Exactly, Katy!! 6 hour drive, 2 loos for 50 people (possibly no shower at all), Spring time, have to supply all gear (if you're not a camper, even hiring it out is not without cost. You can hire a campervan but that's in the region of £50+ at the least/day), for a barn party. Oh, and childcare.

Gimme a CCC site anyday.

Honestly this place is a different world. Since when was it ok to swallow all your family's resources to have a 'look a me' birthday shin-dig?

Cannot believe this thread. The world is a different place. Surely a couple can come up with better ways to spend a couple of grand! As for the kind person who is giving a thousand pounds as a gift, I know I would be disappointed to think it had been spent on a camping party. The phrase "easy come, easy go" would spring to mind. However, your kitchen would have given me great satisfaction in that it would seem a more valued way to spend someone's hard earned money.