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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's costly birthday party plans

231 replies

Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:07

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/05/2017 15:53

Dont forget to tell him that his budget is down £350 that he owes you for half of theadditional kitchen costs. No way should be allowed to get away with your spending £700 on the house when he didnt sacrifice any of the his birthday money to the same thing.

GrumpyOldBag · 23/05/2017 15:56

i've been to a couple of milestone-birthday parties like this and enjoyed them far more then I expected as I'm not really a camping person.

If this is what your DH wants and you can afford it, I don't see the issue.

How you spent your birthday money a while ago isn't really relevant.

Greenkit · 23/05/2017 16:06

If he is getting £1000, let him blow £1000, no more

And when you get chance, get your £700 back from the joint account, even if its at £100 a month.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/05/2017 16:07

I think it is relevant.

The reason the OP couldt have a trip away with DH for her birthday was that they needed to pay the balance on work on the house. A decent spouse would acknowledge that and pay back half of what she had to spend out of her birthday money so that they both had the same amount to spend on themselves.

The fact that he hasnt given that a thought and is just spunking it all on himself, along with other money that they could do with using towards things for the family such as a new car, suggest monumental selfishness to me.

QueenOfRubovia · 23/05/2017 16:12

Your DH sounds childish and selfish. He wants a mini-festival for his own birthday regardless of the cost, and putting his wife and children
at the back of the queue for consideration.
I would disengage from the organisation of this orgy of self indulgence. I'd tell him firmly and calmly that I've thought about it seriously and that it's something I really wouldn't enjoy and therefore to make whatever arrangements he wants. That it's his choice to spend a weekend in a tent in a field, but it's my idea of hell. So go and enjoy.

GerdaLovesLili · 23/05/2017 16:28

A toilet calculator suggests your DH is vastly underestimating the number of loos required. www.tardishire.co.uk/index.php/portable_toilets/18 (I had no idea before todaya that a toilet calcualtor was even "a thing" )

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 16:30

@GerdaLovesLili that website is in the bu sines of hiring you loos,

2 for 50 people will be fine.

Plenty of campsites don't have that number!

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 16:32

Toilet calculators Grin

OP posts:
GerdaLovesLili · 23/05/2017 16:34

2 loos for 50 people will be fine. Plenty of campsites don't have that number! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!Envy (not envy)

FeckinTerrified · 23/05/2017 16:35

OP, due to family bollocks, drama, childbirth and finances, i didnt have a 40th but am having a 45th instead - maybe you could do that for yourself with the same budget.

Westray · 23/05/2017 16:36

I can't get excited about adults being indulgent over their birthdays.

Fine when you are 8 years old, but otherwise very precious.

waterrat · 23/05/2017 16:44

oh god life is short - let him have his party! that is not actually a big budget for a party for that many people - if it's what he wants let him enjoy it.

I don't see the relevance of the cost of family holidays etc - it's a one off big ocassion - I have to say the bit that seems maybe less fun to me is the no kids rule - would you prefer it if kids were involved?

It sounds like you are unhappy with him about other things - having a big party for a big birthday, enjoying time with friends and spending a sum you were given for your birthday is all very very acceptable and normal OP ..

Puffpaw · 23/05/2017 16:49

Why doesn't he pick an actual real festival and organise a bunch of mates to go to that. It will be cheaper (for you) and people can choose if they want to glamp or camp, bring children etc

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 16:54

What do you want from your marriage op? What do you want to happen?

Is your anxiety so bad you can't just let him be happy, have his night and enjoy it, be happy for him?

Part of the joy of these things will be the planning. Right now from his perspective you will be sucking all the joy out of it,

I think there is more than compatibility issues here, there is deep seated resentment, a desire to control how he behaves and jealousy of his social circle.

Personally I would throw myself into helping my husband, making sure he had a brilliant weekend, let my hair down and party till the small hours. He's has told you you can afford it, but all you can think about is what you'd rather spend the money on than his birthday,

I've got to be honest, if you want him to prioritise you, lead by example. Then let him reciprocate, what you are doing is just going to cause more damage and I don't think blaming your anxiety is the best way to manage this,

This weekend is going ahead, so try to enjoy yourself, cause no more fights over it, plan to go, help him and have fun.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 16:57

I am fine with the no DCs: I dislike mixing lots of DCs with very boozy events.

He will be going to an actual festival in addition, puffpaw.

Waterrat, he is spending much more than the sum he is being given on the party, at a time when money is an issue for our family.

OP posts:
bruffian · 23/05/2017 16:59

Does he take drugs? I went to a 40th camping party and a load of people were off their heads on e and coke. 'naice' middle class parents. It was awful.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 17:00

It's not all about the anxiety: there are a lot of factors, of which anxiety is one.

What I would like is for him to reduce the budget for his celebration to £1000 and do something closer, ie not 3 hours away.

I frequently do prioritise DH, but it needs to be reciprocal.

I don't resent his social life at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 17:00

No drugs.

OP posts:
Kokusai · 23/05/2017 17:02

Fundamentally the issue is widely different amounts of money and fun time?

Cuppaoftea · 23/05/2017 17:08

Yeah I'd definitely tell him he's got his £1000 gift to sort himself a party with his mates (whilst reminding him you spent two third of yours on the house!) but no family money will be boozed away when he knows you can't afford it.

OVienna · 23/05/2017 17:08

Loopy YANBU and also I wonder what's going to happen when the half of his friends who do have kids find out it's child free and don't come? I sense a toddler-style tantrum and sulk. Do I have that right?

It's a lot of time to find childcare for. People happy to cover an overnight for a wedding might not see a two nights, three days piss up on a campsite in quite the same way. What I predict will happen is that people will say they need to bring their kids and the whole 'feel' of the event will change. He's not 25 - rallying 30 to 40 child free people is just not going to happen I reckon. You mention a loud, all night party too. I think he's in cloud cuckoo land.

I wonder whether he needs to be asking himself what's missing from HIS life to be honest.

And yes - the question of your overall compatibility jumped out as the issue here to me too.

OVienna · 23/05/2017 17:10

You say YOU don't have childcare issues. It sounds like he is just assuming that will be equally true for everyone else. He does sound self-absorbed.

mewkins · 23/05/2017 17:12

If he is planning now and will be able to save enough by then then I think you will have to just go with it and try to be gracious. It seems like you are a bit resentful of your birthday not being celebrated... But I am not sure that him being equally resentful about his will help matters. I think the party is a bit of a red herring here and there are other issues which need to be discussed.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 17:18

Yeah I'd definitely tell him he's got his £1000 gift to sort himself a party with his mates (whilst reminding him you spent two third of yours on the house!) but no family money will be boozed away when he knows you can't afford it

But that's the issue. He says they can afford it.

Oblomov17 · 23/05/2017 17:18

I completely disagree with Westray. "Indulgent and precious"?

In this day and age, when most mum's are running kiddies to activities, and can't take a piss in peace, I refuse to be a martyr and apologise for having some me time, or the rare occasion of making me a priority. I rarely spend that much, am not high maintenance, but when I have a party I do it big styleee!!

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