DH's costly birthday party plans

[Loopytiles]

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

This thread us so contradictory, OP.

You said you make big financial decisions together BUT he is adamant that he is going to have this party whether you like it or not.

You said it was a mutual decision to use your birthday money on the kitchen BUT there was no other option.

You said he prioritises the children BUT will spend all available cash on the party meaning no family holiday.

You said he was angry with you for suggesting he was selfish even though you didn't use the word BUT you clearly do think he is selfish.

Does he realise you think this is a selfish improvident use of money which could end your relationship? Have you told him this?

DH thinks enough people will come to make it a good crowd. He has been telling people no DC invited.

We usually do have childcare issues, but a relative has offered to help on this occasion.

He is unlikely to be able to save up due to other expenses (eg house, car).

I say again, go to an actual festival as a big group, cheaper, more flexible and more fun

He says they can afford it.

He says that they can afford because he wants them to be able to afford it. But when their finances are not stable and they need to get a new car for the family, I dont think they can afford it.

Or to put it another way, they may have the actual money but it needs to be prioritised elsewhere.

He had decided that this is happening and will brush away any objections that come in his way, no matter how reasonable they may be. He sounds like an arse.

He does prioritise the DC, in terms of time and money and pulling his weight with parenting, but not in this particular instance.

We could still have some kind of holiday, just a lower budget one like camping or visiting relatives with day trips or something.

The party isn't a "deal breaker" for me, but it's a kind of flash point for our other issues.

Before DC our differences didn't matter too much because we had more money and leisure time and he could do festivals and stuff while I did my thing.

But they are having a holiday, they are turning the trip to a wedding abroad into one.

Does he realise you think this is a selfish improvident use of money which could end your relationship? Have you told him this?

But again, this is her view, not his. He thinks they can afford it.

I don't think the money is the issue, it's a red herring. I think the issue is the op simply doesn't want him to do this.

He is going to an actual festival, in addition, with a smaller group of friends. Invitees would be unlikely to want to pay £00s for festival entry: I guess DH could subsidise it!

I think its time you did start using words like "unreasonable" and "selfish"

If you cant/wont then you need to question whether this fight to save your marriage is worth it, because at the moment there is no compromise. What you have is you giving and him taking and that wont stop until you refuse to keep giving and demand a bit back. Start with the £350 kitchen money and work up from there.

Why are you not asking him for that?

We have up to a week away every summer. This year it's a wedding abroad, the party would be affecting next year's plans.

Or to put it another way, they may have the actual money but it needs to be prioritised elsewhere

Again, in the ops view. His view differs, he says they can afford this and the other things, she disagrees, they already have one holiday abroad planned and it costs more than this.

I think op you should think about what you want from your marriage because I suspect it can't continue for much longer.

How is the money a red herring when he would be spending cash they need to spend elsewhere so other things that are for the good of the family would have to wait?

What if the OP had said "No, not paying for the kitchen out of my birthday money"? All hell would have broken loose. But he can spend every penny, and much more, on himself and the rest of the family will have to wait for what they need.

Bluntness He says they can afford it but means if his wife and kids make sacrifices, he saves for his piss up instead of an essential new used car for the family, ignores what still needs spending on the house etc.

He sounds beyond selfish, he's just been gifted a grand he can do what he likes with. Though £700 of that, the same share the Op paid towards their kitchen from her gift, would be useful towards the new car I imagine!

This isn't my understanding, she's been very clear his birthday party will impact on the plans for next years holiday abroad only and will reduce the budget for that, not cancel it just reduce it. He disagrees.

And as I said, he wants this to happen despite all the legitimate concerns of the OP, so he will of course brush away any objections.

For me the money issue would actually come second to the fact that he is extrement unlikely to get 40-50 people, without kids, for 3 nights for a mini festival. More likely to get people going for one or maybe two nights, needing the brings the kids or just not bothering as the hassle isnt worth, especially if they dont already own camping stuff which isnt cheap. Also, 3 nights means it will go over at least one school night, which means a day off work/childcare for school runs etc. Its simply isnt practical when so many friends have school aged kids. Friday and Saturday night then ok, but not three. I suspect that all this money will net them is a half empty field and enough leftover booze to sink a battleship.

We do need to look at the family finances, and upcoming expenses (eg car loan, current car is ancient and garage says is on the way out!) that will make clear whether I am being overanxious about the money,

Thread has usefully confirmed that having suggested to DH that it won't be possible/desirable for some (possibly a lot of) invitees, invitees' attendance/opinions is not something I should worry too much about.

And as I said, he wants this to happen despite all the legitimate concerns of the OP, so he will of course brush away any objections

Do you know them? You speak like you do? All I can see is she has concerns and anxiety, he doesn't share those concerns. She thinks the money will reduce the family holiday budget pot for next year, she says he says not. She says as they other expenses like a new car, they won't be able to save up to replace next years holiday pot and have to holiday in the U.K.

As said, I think money is a red herring and there is a much wider relationship issue here.

As for whether it would be a success, I don't know his friends so couldn't comment.

There is a difference between your DH paying for a party he is throwing and arranging for people to go to a Festival (which you say he could subsidise!). Reading tickets are £200 a pop. He isn't going to get his 40-50 people party that way.

He says he can afford it. Is your money truly joint? It doesn't sound as though it is if you had to pay "your £700" towards the kitchen. He may have saved up for the party which is why he says he can afford it.

I do think it is less about the party and more about the resentment that your birthday wasn't acknowledged in a way you'd have liked it to have been.

The money spent on my "wanky self-indulgent" party was money well spent and even 2 years on people comment about what a great night it was!

You need either ynab or good budget, I thought we could afford a lot more than we actually can and now it is all laid out with agreed priorities life is much smoother, we reassess every month.
Sounds like he is having enough fun already and the party is not needed.
What do you save in to your pensions?

Well, i think it sounds like a bloody stupid idea.

But OP I think you should go along with it, smile sweetly and tell him how much you are looking forward to it and then when it all goes pear shaped he won't throw it back in you face and blame you.

He needs to grow up. To me he sounds like he still thinks he is in his twenties in that post student bubble of spending long carefree weekends with with friends, parties, festivals and the like.

I am always reading on here about big event parties planned over several days with the expectation that everyone will be just as keen as the host. It never happens ... in the real world people have responsibilites like kids and mortgages and jobs. It might be a cheaper option for your DH to have a party like this but his guests aren't going to think that - not everyone will have camping gear for a start. And has it occured to him that camping in a muddy field in freezing cold 300 miles away from home is not everyones idea of fun. I'm certain that nearer the time he will find that people will start dropping out.

I know that the person who desperately wants this to happen is saying that they can afford it when the person who isnt particularly arsed about it isnt sure that they can. In that situation I would think that the OP is probably closer to reality than he is.

Its like when we were buying a house. He was convinced that we could afford to borrow the absolute upper limit of what the bank would give us and on paper that was true. However, it would have mean serious cutbacks in many areas and was also based on an assumption of future promotions/pay rises that may not (and didnt) happen. We bought a cheaper house and even that was a struggle at times, but it wasnt until those struggles happened that he finally admitted that I was right. Up until then I was constantly reminded that we would have more room/bigger garden etc if it hadnt been for me........ When someone really wants something, they will do anything they can to make it happen, even to the point of ignoring facts that are staring them in the face.

I would be very interested to know if they could afford it if the OP wanted to spend that sort of money and he didnt.

Having the money and being able to afford something are two very different things. I think the OP gets that and her DH, and others on here, dont.

I'm really boring and I would rather spend the money on a kitchen too OP. You get to enjoy your kitchen every day, the party is just one night. I can't imagine ever spending £1000 on a party but then like I say I'm really boring! I don't think a birthday is worth spending that kind of money on, after all we have birthdays every year. If it means you have to miss out on other family things I think its a bit selfish of him.

Sorry if it's already been asked (I'm. On the app and it's not letting me view the whole.thread for some reason). But how much is the wedding abroad costing and who's friends is it going to see? Just because if it's your friends he may see that as "your" thing that you are spending a lot of money on?
I guess I can see where he is coming from in a way in that he obviously doesn't ask for this every year and to him it is something he will remember for the rest of his life. But it does come down to whether you can afford it.

The overseas wedding trip is probably costing around £2000. It's his close friends' wedding.

So he wants to spend £4k in one year on things for him and his friends? Has anyone ever said no to him in his entire life?

Have you asked him for half of the kitchen money back? Sorry to keep asking but I am wondering why you havent/wont.

I don't feel I need to ask for it back, I don't need it for anything, it went into the house, and he put lots of money into the house too.