DH's costly birthday party plans

[Loopytiles]

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

"When you love someone, you sometimes do what they want, even if it isn't you choice, because you truly love them and want them to be happy."

I do do what DH wants, frequently, or facilitate DH doing the things he wants to do with friends where anxiety adds a level of difficulty.

I do resent him over certain things, and he resents me for holding him back.

Elbows is right. Camping is fuck funny. Written by Julia Davis, staring Steve Pemberton, it is really good.

Poor you OP, he sounds awful.

It's a ridiculous amount of money to be spending on a birthday party for himself, when it is going to negatively impact your finances.

The whole relationship sounds similar to a couple I know in real life and she puts up with an awful lot in order to not get divorced. The DH is already divorced from his first wife (left when their DC was young) and I think she feels he could easily do the same to her so she doesn't stop him being selfish but seethes with resentment about it. It's really not healthy.

I will check out that show, FlyingElbows! Might cheer me up.

Being flippant: I wouldn't worry about the party because it doesn't sound like you'll still be together by next spring anyway.

The more you post about him the worse he sounds. I don't think YABU. You sound eminently sensible and prudent. He doesn't. He sounds selfish. You don't. He sounds extroverted. You don't. I'm struggling to see the positives here. Sorry.

I agree. Maybe he should be planning his party on his own. Might be best, for both of you.

Hmmm so the OP has anxiety, and half the posters think that supporting her means not having his party, which he obviously wants, because otherwise he's just mean.

Meanwhile the OP is still resentful because she didn't have a good birthday, because she didn't plan one and then got upset when her suggestions weren't arranged by her partner.

I feel like the OP is conflating lots of issues, along with little dripfeeds about how they don't really match and he is mean to her. Also, about how she always puts her family first and is constantly self-sacrificing.

Let him have his big party. And go on your cheaper holiday this year. (She didn't say she wouldn't get a holiday at all, just that it would be a cheaper one). Surely that's an okay sacrifice for your partners big birthday?

Personally, I can't think of anything better than a weekend away camping with 20 or 30 pals who I love - it sounds like the best way to celebrate a milestone.

And then afterwards, or even strait away, you should check in with a doctor or counsellor to help get on top of your anxiety, and maybe both of you should see a relationship counsellor. Living with anxiety long term is horrible. Living in a resentful relationship is also horrible. Maybe he doesn't know the difference between your anxiety and always being not into his plans. Maybe he needs some help learning about how anxiety works and how to support it.

I haven't said I'm constantly self sacrificing. Agree that am mixing up a lot of issues.

I am having treatment for anxiety already, and overall managing it well.

Also haven't said I put family first and DH doesn't: have said DH puts DC first, which is true.

Gosh. If I'd had to spend my birthday treat money on a joint family project because we'd run out of funds, my DH would have made sure I got it back, even if that meant giving up some of his own birthday money to make it fair. (Although to be fair it's more likely that we would both pool the majority of our birthday money for a joint family project... also I don't think I've got any "birthday money" since my 18th! )

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. Sounds like you're making a lot of sacrifices for your family life that he's not making or willing to make, and I don't think your resentment over that has anything to do with your anxiety.

I better go. I'm off to prepare for our 10 days caravanning, this Friday. Stock my wine fridge, make a curry. Hot showers. King size bed.

We have lots of friends who always go for the bank holiday too. Lots of tents. Loads of caravans. One of my friends always makes fresh scones. Later I'll reciprocate with a nice G&T.

Similar to the shite party Op's Dh is planning.

Amazed at the amount of posters saying this is a stupid idea and sounds awful and he's an idiot.

Some people enjoying camping and beers and a party, and its not an unreasonable request. Its not Vegas or Ibiza.

Personally if I was given birthday money I wouldn't assume it as 'part of the family finances', unless we were struggling for basics, I'd spend it on something I wanted, a party, a new bike,

I think theres a wee bit of martyr complex going on here...

I think the advice to let him get on with it but not to lift a finger to help is tempting but in someways the worst possible.

It does nothing to address the bone of contention - which is the uneven use of resources and it lacks love, which is a relatively essential agreement in a marriage.

If your real issue with him is that he wants to pretend he'd sort things and then dump a heap of work on your plate at the last minute, it might be a way to let him see the consequences of his actions. But you say you're more bothered about the use of money, and he's already taken onboard your concern about children being there.

Letting him do it, but resenting him and showing that resentment by being unenegaged in something he's happy about is a step down the road to divorce. Tackle the real issue, don't pseudo punish him.

He sounds very selfish and you're a bloody saint for putting up with him. You have to spend the majority of your birthday money on home improvements because that was the only money at hand, he's spending over double the amount he's been given on a big blow-out party for himself! No wonder he stated projecting onto you when you hadn't even used the word "selfish", he knows full well that's what he is.

And I second the notion that your anxiety is probably less your problem. more a natural response to living with someone like this...

Sounds fun @Oblomov17 ! I love a good camping trip. Where are oyu going?

Not a martyr complex I don't think: I used most of the gift for the home improvement because it was necessary at the time. Nor am I a saint!

That sounds nice oblamov!

Sod the camping. I'd prefer Vegas or Ibiza. Dorset (for us this week) just doesn't cut it, comparatively!

I love a good camping trip, too, with my family. Getting sloshed and being hungover in a tent? Nah.

And she's not saying no party, but instead for him to use the £1000 he's been given on the party, not an additional £1500.

He does not treat the anxiety with kindness. It / I frustrate him.

Why are you even there? A caring partner, even if they are 'frustrated' by their partner's issues, still supports their partner. They work with them and try to understand.

I don't have a problem if someone wants a big rowdy-dow to celebrate. I think your problem is much deeper than a big party you can't afford. I think your problem is that you are incompatible in areas that are not easily compromised on. And as a result YOU are the one always compromising.

You say you are having treatment. Does that treatment include counseling? Because I think you need to really talk to someone about your marriage.

I'd try and get on board with it or else he will forever throw it back at you.

However I would say that you don't want it to mean you can't upgrade the car and also have a holiday so look at budgets and what "he's" going to cut back in the meantime.

Yes, treatment includes counselling, but talking about the relationship isn't currently the main focus.

I think couples counselling might be good. The incompatibilities and resentment are a problem. Thanks for the varied views and advice!

I think it sound like a really great party, and a lot of fun for everyone.

I am not hot n camping bt would go if a friend organised something like this.

At this stage in life, 40s-50s, with so many people divorcing or getting cancer, it is worthwhile celebrating milestones.

If there are issues in your marriage, deal with them separately.

It is a shame you put your £700 in the bottomless pit that is a new kitchen. Maybe that was a bad choice.