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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's costly birthday party plans

231 replies

Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:07

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:37

Yes, we do have compatability issues Sad.

OP posts:
Kokusai · 23/05/2017 13:37

Finances are not yet back on an even keel, unfortunately.

But you do have the £2k, you just would prefer it to go on a family holiday? Since you said you will still have a family holiday but you'll just do something cheaper?

MistySparrow · 23/05/2017 13:38

YANBU.

I hope you can manage to do something nice for you as it doesn't sound like he will.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/05/2017 13:39

I kind of understand the vague resentfulness at him doing more than you did for yours (this happens regularly in my relationship too!) but I don't think that's a fair way of looking at it, because then he'd be limited by what you did each time. However next time it's your opportunity, be more insistent on getting what you really want ( like time away with him, or whatever) and don't give in to the feeling that it should be as much for everyone else.

BUT I think, given that this party would mean taking money from the family holiday, it's not unreasonable to think it is too much. It's one thing for him to spend the 1k on it and another to spend the 1k and the family holiday budget.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/05/2017 13:40

It doesn't sound like you can afford it.

I'd suggest he takes the £300 you took and puts the £700 into responsibilities as you did.

If he can't see why this is necessary & is as much of a selfish twat as it appears, then it's time for you to evaluate what you're getting out of thus relationship because it sounds like you'd be happier without him..

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:40

I don't know what finances will be like next year, I expect a new (used!) car will be the top priority, but we have always previously prioritised family holidays. Last year we did budget UK camping as money was going into home improvements. This year we are attending a wedding abroad and making that our holiday, which is costing a bit more.

OP posts:
blankface · 23/05/2017 13:40

50 guests and 2 loos - put the very basic accommodation and only 2 loos on the invitation, likely to prune the number of acceptances I'd guess.

I'll decline mine in advance Wink

Jayfee · 23/05/2017 13:41

I think this is more about your relationship than anything else with the party somehiw typifying things that worry you about yourself, him and the two of you together. There aren't any easy answers. Some people, sounds lije your oh, are extrovert and
ike to be at thecentre of the actiion.

TheCraicDealer · 23/05/2017 13:41

Well the venue/site, heaters and lighting and music costs are all going to be fixed regardless of the numbers who attend. I would ask him how he's planning on making up the £1,000, shortfall and make it clear that I wasn't prepared to forego the kids' holiday or anything else that benefits the family as a whole to fund this.

I would also add that I wasn't going to help with the planning, set up and logistics (which will all be even more of a fucking pain in the arse than sleeping in a field). If he finds himself getting annoyed by ringing round trying to get a decent price for a hog roast, heaters and bar services on top of his normal job, he might just decide to sack the plan off.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 23/05/2017 13:42

Could you not compromise and do a large scale 1 night event my friend did a mini festival for her 40th. It was amazing they had VIP passes, live music etc. Loads of people donated time and stuff such as cakes instead of presents 🎁. Hire costs would be lower and people can sort out their own accommodation.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:44

He won't sack it off, he is determined and good at organising things!

You're right jayfee, this disagreement is tapping into bigger issues. I guess I feel that if all was well with the relationship, and I was a good wife, I'd be merrily helping organise it already.

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Whatsername17 · 23/05/2017 13:45

I think its crazy money to spend on a party. That is a family holiday and an amazing one at that.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 13:45

How about you have a week end away with your dc and leave him to his party?
Doesn't sound like you are that high on his list of priorities that he would mind you not being there tbh.
Don't be organising it for him...

PovertyJetset · 23/05/2017 13:45

You as a family unit can't afford it. Simple really!

I don't understand his attitude tbh. I don't know any partners who would put a kid free jolly above family needs. Weird Hmm Sad

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:46

I've suggested he seeks one night alternatives (eg pub room hire, house party) costing the £1000: he doesn't like any of those ideas.

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/05/2017 13:46

OP this isn't about the party or who spends their birthday money on what, is it?

There's something much deeper going on in your relationship that needs addressing, and seeing it all in money terms is allowing you to avoid the true issue. What's this really about?

prettywhiteguitar · 23/05/2017 13:46

Spring camping will be freezing!!!

He sounds selfish, is that your compatibility problem ?

PovertyJetset · 23/05/2017 13:48

I sounds like he wants a little wife who will look after the house and children and stay pretty and he can do as he pleases. And because he's the main income source you're expected to suck it up?

Am I close?

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:48

He is generally very committed to the DC, he just enjoys the odd (big) blowout!

I won't organise it for him, definitely not. Not attending at all could be the death knell for our relationship though. Then again so could going if we fall out.

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PopGoesTheWeaz · 23/05/2017 13:48

why are you not bringing the kids? Sounds like you could make this a mini family holiday. We do something similar with a group of friends (about that number including kids) and it is a lot of fun.

No need to provide heat by the way, campers will bring their own solution if they want one

PopGoesTheWeaz · 23/05/2017 13:49

sorry, just saw that you said spring. Make it in june if camping and hosting others.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 13:50

Ok so ask him where the £1k shortfall is coming from? Make it clear that is sure as hell isn't coming form the family holiday pot, and remind him you are still waiting to be paid back your £700...

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 13:51

No need to provide heat by the way, campers will bring their own solution if they want one

Nah I reckon a party like this needs a central fire pit

TheCraicDealer · 23/05/2017 13:52

Hmm, that's unfortunate. There's something a bit egotistical about wanting a child-free two day event for your birthday, when there are cheaper more appropriate options. Yes, it's a big deal, of course you should celebrate, but you and most of your friends have young kids and their own lives and commitments. The days of your twenties and early thirties where people could zip off to a campsite a few hundred miles away to get pissed in tents for a whole weekend are long gone. So that, in addition to the cost and other issues playing out in the background, really does paint a picture.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:52

He does earn much more than me, but we both work FT and we take the big financial decisions together.

Money is a factor in my mind at present because I'm worried after spending so much on our home improvements etc, and other expenses looming, but I probably worry too much about that. (Anxiety/upbringing/cautious nature!)

You're right though, the devil, there are much bigger issues, in that I feel of low priority, that he wants his own way on things (eg where we live, home improvements) and gets angry if I stop him getting it. He has his grievances with me too.

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