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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's costly birthday party plans

231 replies

Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:07

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/05/2017 19:10

I see that but dont you see that by not mentioning it, you are tacitly approving his idea that you do what you should, he does what he wants.

You say that you are basically incompatible, do you mean that he will not compromise or if you pushed it then he would?

greeneyedlulu · 23/05/2017 19:20

Do it, enjoy it!

RandomMess · 23/05/2017 19:37

If the weather is poor it will be rubbish! Why doesn't he just subsidise his closest mates going to a festival together?

So the car pack up and you can't buy a new one because he spent £2k+ on a festival to celebrate himself that his wife didn't enjoy/want and his DC couldn't go to because it was a piss up event?

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 19:39

'Do it, enjoy it!'

What if she loathes camping? I can't imagine demanding my spouse do something he hates and 'enjoy it' because I want to do it. My husband hates long walking routes. So I do them with other friends. I like rock climbing, but I'd never expect someone who hates heights to do it with me.

I love camping, but this type of set up, in Spring, sounds shit.

newnameoldme · 23/05/2017 19:43

apologies i've skimmed through but feel your Dh isn't being entirely selfish and it sounds as though he's organising an awesome birthday wekend that you'll be spending together without kids. it's obviously really important to him and you may as well give full support and throw all enthusiasm in too and enjoy it!

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 19:43

I am OK with camping, just not with the plans for this particular weekend (distance, facilities, heavy boozing, need to prepare the venue and tidy up, cost etc).

I often do stuff my H prefers, for example outdoorsy stuff with the DC, socialising in big groups. And sometimes he does it without me, which is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 19:44

We won't be "together": he will be with his mates and I will be either skivvying/worrying about everything or drinking with some of the friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 19:50

I don't usually drink much for MH reasons, but in the short term it can be a good temporarily anxiety fix (though makes it worse the next day) so is useful in occasional, difficult circumstances like this trip!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/05/2017 19:50

All the other issues aside, I can't see why it is going to cost so much.
Many of our friends love camping, but they would all just pitch up on a camp site then socialise through chatting and a few beers round a campfire. This would cost a pittance. Having a DJ doesn't really go with the camping bit, but even if it did, then surely you are talking £250 ish. People would bring their own beer - I can't see how he is getting to the totals you are talking about.
However, I don't think 50 of them would travel 3 hours to do this, especially throwing in the childcare issues for some.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 19:54

Most campsites don't allow loud, late parties, which is what he wants, or have a barn (in case of rain). the ones you can hire out completely often don't allow loud parties either.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 19:59

Does he expect you to skivvy round, clean, set up and take down, play hostess whilst he gets pissed with his mates?

Westray · 23/05/2017 20:00

Sounds grim.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/05/2017 20:03

I can honestly see this being an embarrassing and expensive flop. I certainly wouldnt go if we were invited to this. Not least because it would cost me a fortune in the basic camping gear, and because there is no way I would share 2 bogs with 50 other people for a whole weekend

Are there any showers? Fresh water? Chemical toilet disposal? Electric hook ups? These are all the basics that any camper would expect and a hell of a lot less than most non campers would want!

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 20:03

I know that the person who desperately wants this to happen is saying that they can afford it when the person who isnt particularly arsed about it isnt sure that they can. In that situation I would think that the OP is probably closer to reality than he is

I honestly suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. There is always three sides to every story, his side, her side and the truth.

Op. I think it's just not your bag. You don't want to go and camp with these people for this long. And the thought of it is giving uou anxiety.

I'm not sure trying to stop him is the answer, but I'm also not sure you can feign excitement and happiness for him either and enjoy it. Sometimes these things are better than we think. Can you make a deal you don't do the skivvying? Agree responsibilities?

Usually on camping weekends we get the blokes to do a lot,,,from put the tents up whilst we explore, to doing the majority of the heavy lifting. In addition no cooking other than a cup of tea, so food needs to be though through.

BeepBeepMOVE · 23/05/2017 20:07

It's sounds fun, lots of friends having a laugh- all the hygiene loo snobs can stay at a b&b.

£2500 is not a huge amount for a one off big party, he's not doing it every year. Just because It's not your cup of tea why shouldn't he get to?

There is nothing wrong with wanting a big shindig instead of a quiet family friendly holiday.

SaucyJack · 23/05/2017 20:13

I think you're being unnecessarily negative there Pyong. From the sounds of it, most of the other guests will be old festival buddies of the DH- and they'll probably be more than happy to piss in a bush and forego electric hook-ups.

The main issue is that he wants to spend an extortionate amount of money on an over the top do when he could probably have just as good a time camping with mates for about a quarter of the budget if he can keep his expectations realistic.

mewkins · 23/05/2017 20:13

I would definitely go as well - with or without kids. I think Bluntness has this spot on. I also think that if you can get at least one holiday abroad next year, with or without the party, your money issues can't be that huge to be honest. So what, you have to change your plans a bit for one year to accommodate the party. Life's short.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 20:18

Yeah, life's short! Piss money you can't really afford up a wall on frivolities and go along and 'enjoy' something you find utter shit. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 20:26

Yeah, life's short! Piss money you can't really afford up a wall on frivolities and go along and 'enjoy' something you find utter shit. hmm

To be fair here, the op has been honest and said she's not sure if she's being over cautious about money and they need to look at finances. And it is his fortieth, the fact she thinks it will be utter shit doesn't change the fact he thinks it will be brilliant and has about 20 child free mates as well as many others. He was also happy to bring kids but the op said no which is fair enough.

There is also loos on site and possibly even a shower. As well as a venue for the party. The issue is it's his thing and not hers in all senses. So should he forego what he wishes for his birthday because she doesn't want to do it.

I'm honestly not sure who is being unreasonable, and as much as I wouldn't fancy it, I would support my husband in these circumstances and make it as enjoyable as possible, as would he me. But we are different people with a different relationship and clearly not the same marital problems as rhe op and her husband.

Westray · 23/05/2017 20:34

all the hygiene loo snobs

Well I must be one of those loo snobs.

50 pissed people sharing two toilets for a weekend sleeping in a muddy field surrounded by empty beer cans.

Couldn't get much better really.

AgentProvocateur · 23/05/2017 20:44

DH and most of his friends are 50 this year, and they've all celebrated with parties, trips abroad etc, because over the last two years they've lost two good friends to cancer and one to a stroke. Life is short - your DP should have the party and celebrate with friends. That's what's important.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 20:45

yes, we could do something cheaper for the family holiday, DCs and DH would be fine with that, me less so! Based on past experiences camping/visiting relatives is less fun for me than a week abroad.

Yes, he would (subconsciously) expect me to skivvy! He would do the advance organising and set up of the room (I would help) and tent, and help with the clear up, and expect some of his friends would help. He would organise some kind of food but probably want me to cook breakfast and "host" on the main evening. I would "fuss" a lot, due to the anxiety.

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 23/05/2017 20:46

Camping three hours away with very basic facilities? No thank you.

I doubt that you would get that many people wanting to go, especially if it is a child free weekend. Not everyone has access to childcare.

“Amazed at the amount of posters saying this is a stupid idea and sounds awful and he's an idiot.”

Really? Basic facilities, 2 loos between 50 people and you think most people would be up for this? Hmm
Some people enjoy camping, but I doubt that this will as popular as you think, given that it would be a 6 hour round trip and children aren’t allowed.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 20:48

At the heart of it I feel, have done for a long time, that I am less important to him than many other things, including friends. It's obvious he wants to have fun with his friends, so yes he should do that, the Q in my mind is whether I should go. I think perhaps not.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 20:54

Don't go, Loopy. I think you have to stop enabling this. 'Fine, do what you want (and you never said no party, just a £1000 one, sounds reasonable),' and then you do nothing. Just nothing. He asks, you say no. He guilt trips you, says you're not 'supportive', you say, 'No, I'm not of this. I'd have thought your family would be more important and you'd want to stick to a budget of £1000 so that the family could enjoy other things. I'm disappointed and hurt and no, I don't have to 'support' this by doing stuff for it.'

And then don't. Don't go. He organises it all.