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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's costly birthday party plans

231 replies

Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:07

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:55

He did originally want to invite DC, but I argued that mixing young DC and boozy 3am parties is not ideal and that I would not be providing childcare for the DC attending!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/05/2017 13:57

Sounds like stupid plans tbh. Child free camping weekend, hmm so only those without children, or grown up children can go. I don't fancy a hangover in barn with rubbish toilet facilities.

StarHeartDiamond · 23/05/2017 13:57

Does this campsite have a shower or showers?

We don't have a tent and I would be Hmm at the expectation we'd need to buy or borrow one, and all the camping gear, to go to a very basic field.

Organised glamping? Maybe. Proper campsite? Maybe, but very unlikely. Actual basic camping with hardly any toilets or washing facilities? Heck no! Also, what if it rains?

Have a normal party (free hire function room etc with disco) and go glamping as a family for his birthday treat.

SaucyJack · 23/05/2017 13:58

It sounds like a ridiculous amount to spend for two nights camping. Do he want the prestige of having his own festival in his honour?

Is there not a cheaper option? Couldn't you all just go to a normal campsite with a some friends?

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:58

He hasn't got full details, but there are reportedly "a couple" of toilets and "a shower".

Rain should be OK in terms of the actual party as there's a barn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:00

I suggested the campsite thing, but he wants a loud, very late night party, and most campsites don't allow that Grin Would also need to be indoors in case of rain.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/05/2017 14:00

"Not attending at all could be the death knell for our relationship though."

Nothing would get me camping, so my husband wouldn't do it for something that he wanted me to attend, plus he'd rather a family holiday if it had to be one or the other.

That issue aside, you can either afford it or not.

40

Hissy · 23/05/2017 14:00

Is there any way you can have a sensible discussion about this, to give him more of what he would like to achieve, but work to a better budget?

somewhere between your position and his there is a middle ground

You did not want a big bash. he does.

It's not about you stopping him getting what he wants, but this should be a joint decision when there is money coming from the family pot.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/05/2017 14:03

Could you suggest he forgoes one or more of his expensive weekends away with his mates in order to make up the shortfall?

Also, I'd missed the bit where you hadn't really had much choice in using your Birthday money for the kitchen. It is sounding like he is taking up a lot more of the family resources for his personal whims. Is that a fair assessment? And have you ever discussed that directly?

WomblingThree · 23/05/2017 14:05

Well I think it's bloody pathetic, a grown man with a family spending that sort of money showing off to his mates. If he must have a party, then he's got his £1000 birthday money so that's how much he should be spending on it.

I'm the last person to do the whole "family money" thing (separate finances all the way) but in this case, when the OP had to spend her birthday money on the kitchen, how come he gets to spend his on a wanky party. Plus he's obviously taking money out of the household budget as well. Wanker.

I don't understand why adults need huge wanky "look-at-me" birthday parties, especially like this. Who the fuck is going to want to go wild camping in the spring, plus it's incredibly presumptuous to assume that everyone can get childcare for a weekend. I think you will find he won't get many people coming. If you've got any sense, you'll have left the twat by then anyway Loopy.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:07

Yes, we discussed that. He got angry because he felt I was accusing him of being selfish. (I hadn't used the word - I can understand his desire for the kind of event he wants, I just think it's not a great plan and too costly).

Have tried to find compromises, but he's adamant his plan is best, and that we/he can afford it AND other stuff.

OP posts:
Almahart · 23/05/2017 14:07

We are big campers but wouldn't travel three hours especially if we couldn't bring kids

Puffpaw · 23/05/2017 14:08

Will his friends all be ok leaving their children behind for a weekend in a field?! It's a lot for him to ask both of his friends and of you as a family. I get that he will only be 40 once but if you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:08

Sorry, we discussed the family resources issue, my response was to boom boom!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:10

He thinks people will sort out childcare and want to come: I don't think they will.

He has a fair number of friends without DC, or close friends who would come alone and leave DC with their partners, perhaps 20.

OP posts:
MickeyRooney · 23/05/2017 14:10

If it was me I would separate.
He doesn't sound like he is one bit invested in you. i would see this as an opportunity to reassess my relationship towards him and begin a cooling off period, with a view to a divorce.
he sounds like a narc.

Puffpaw · 23/05/2017 14:11

He got angry because he IS being selfish

CheerfulMuddler · 23/05/2017 14:16

I feel like the money is your big stumbling block here, and I'm not entirely sure from your description what's going on.

He seems to think you can afford it and you seem to think you can't.

Is that because your anxiety is tied up with money worries, that splurging big amounts just sets off your anxiety regardless of whether you have the cash?

Is it that you have fundamentally different approaches to money - you'd rather have more savings/be more financially cautious, he'd rather spend what you have now and not worry about the future?

Is it that actually you can't afford it, but he's being a selfish arse and won't listen to reason?

Or is it that you can afford either a nice family holiday or a party, and you'd rather spend the money on a holiday than a party?

Or a mixture of these things?

I think a big party for a special occasion is a lovely idea, but I think if it's causing you this much anxiety, he should be trying to find ways to make it cheaper. BYOB and food contributions instead of gifts rather than you paying for food and booze. A village hall and silent disco rather than a party barn. (Village hall usually costs £20 an hour and silent disco is about £130 for 50 people). Him sacrificing some of his other spendings to scrape back the cash. This is the sort of thing you need to talk through together to find a way of making it work, but he absolutely can't spend family money on something that's making you unhappy.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 14:18

Jesus, he sounds like a teenage wanker. 'I want a big do! Me, me, ME!' 'Oh, but we can't afford it without sacrificing our finances/stuff for our kids.' Continues banging on, 'I want this big do! Me, me, ME! And you, you need to 'get on board', that means, you do what I want when I want.'

What's his milestone birthday, 21?

A childfree weekend camping in the arse end of nowhere with 'a couple' of toilets and showers? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Thing is, he's used to getting his way.

My ex-h has a dad like this, it was his way or the highway and everyone had to pull in tandem with him. He got very stroppy if they didn't. Neither one of his sons has anything to do with him now.

I'd tell him, 'You're going to do whatever the fuck you like. That's your MO. Go right ahead,' and do FA.

Wouldn't go, either, and I love camping. But a site like that? Not a chance. Nor without my kids, I have nowhere to leave them for a weekend and camping is something we enjoy together. The thought of over-indulging on drink at a party and then retiring to a camp bed is something I'd never consider. Or of packing up all our gear and setting up our tent without our kids for some overblown teenager's party.

StatisticallyChallenged · 23/05/2017 14:18

It's not like you're opposed to a party and 1k would still easily meet most people's definition of a big bash imo. He's being ridiculous when from what you are saying you can't afford to throw additional money at this.

It's also going to be expensive for the guests as most won't have camping equipment

Dh and I renewed our vows last year and wanted to celebrate with friends - we hired a house in the country for 1200 (could have been cheaper but we needed to be close to a particular ceremony site), everyone slept in actual beds and has proper bathroom facilities and all anyone paid for was the booze they brought.

Friend had a camping weekend for her 30th and was upset that loads of folk wouldn't go. Because...tents!

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/05/2017 14:18

Whether you can actually afford it is surely fairly easy to put down on paper (or a spreadsheet!) isn't it? So is the disagreement that he thinks money will magically appear from nowhere? Or that he's thinks you won't spend money on something you think you'll need money for? Or that he isn't leaving enough contingency for your comfort (and if this - who is being unreasonable here, you say you have anxiety over this, but you did run out of money on the kitchen and had to take it from your gift...)? From your discription, it does sound like he's being selfish, you haven't said that to him, but maybe you should?

PrimalLass · 23/05/2017 14:19

Sounds crazy to me. I don't 'get' throwing yourself a huge party for big birthdays.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:21

Think the family holiday vs party is probably the closest to how it is, cheerful muddler. I do worry too much about money given our incomes, but we have some big expenses so can't afford everything IMO.

I don't think he cares if his actions cause me anxiety: he thinks my anxiety is a PITA! Which it is, to be fair, but I try really hard to manage it and do stuff even when I'm anxious about it, so it's not like it restricts what he does IYSWIM.

OP posts:
AppleOfMyEye10 · 23/05/2017 14:21

Op he sounds delusional and also very selfish and immature. This plan will fall flat, so many issues which he doesn't seem to think will be a problem.
But there's no point arguing with a fool, just sit back and let him do all the planning and working out the logistics. When people start asking him questions he will realize what a silly idea this was.

Btw he is selfish spending money you don't have. Even if he spent half the gift amount he could do something nice.
It's also my dh's milestone birthday this year and he is spending it taking DS and I on holiday.

VinoTime · 23/05/2017 14:22

Dropping that amount of money on a birthday party sounds absurd to me I'm afraid, especially in light of the other financial commitments you have. I'd rather go on a family holiday.

Could you not throw up a gazebo in the back garden and do a big barbecue for friends and family instead? You could make it an all day thing. Could even put up a bouncy castle (space willing) if young children are going to be there and get a couple of fire pits going for later on in the evening. It would give you the 'outdoorsy' element without asking people to camp Wink