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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's costly birthday party plans

231 replies

Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 13:07

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/05/2017 14:23

sounds great for summer. Hellish for spring

OnGoldenPond · 23/05/2017 14:26

Actually i disagree with other posters saying why not do it if you can afford it. They can't afford it if the only way they can pay for it is to forego the family holiday.

By the way, I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than go on a camping party with no proper bathrooms! Shock

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 14:26

'I don't think he cares if his actions cause me anxiety: he thinks my anxiety is a PITA! Which it is, to be fair, but I try really hard to manage it and do stuff even when I'm anxious about it, so it's not like it restricts what he does IYSWIM.'

Have you ever thought, that your anxiety may be because you live with a selfish wanker?

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:27

"My way or the highway" certainly resonates!

To be fair to DH he has never hosted a big party before, with the exception of our wedding, when we also disagreed - he wanted a big "do" and I didn't! He also lost a parent young, at a similar age to the one coming up, so it's a big deal for him.

Sorry, am drip feeding now! Not intentional.

"I'd tell him, 'You're going to do whatever the fuck you like. That's your MO. Go right ahead,' and do FA."

That is likely to be my response, but in more polite terms.

OP posts:
ShaniaTwang · 23/05/2017 14:29

Sounds like hell to me and an unfair allocation of funds frankly. It's totally beyond me why anyone would spend money equivalent to their annual family holiday, whatever that may be, on a child free party for themselves. Op, yanbu.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:29

I have, expat. My anxiety problem predates my relationship with DH, but he isn't helpful over it that's for sure.

OP posts:
CheerfulMuddler · 23/05/2017 14:30

Hmm ... you said somewhere upthread that you spend this sort of money on a holiday most years, and your children are young. I don't feel like asking to have a cheap holiday just this year because there's something he really wants is THAT unreasonable. Your kids will probably be just as happy running around a field as they would be doing something expensive and a holiday is something you get most years, while a big party for him is something special.

However ... it is an ask. It's something you have to agree to together, it's not something he can just demand.

And yes, anxiety is a PITA, but it's a bigger PITA if he just rides rick-shod over it. And it's not your fault. And he needs to understand that and treat it with loving kindness.

Fliptophead · 23/05/2017 14:31

If you can afford this now then as a family you can afford to be paid your birthday money. Take yourself on a holiday.

Fwiw I think he's behaving like a spoilt child and I wouldn't go away for someone's wedding for a weekend and sure as hell not a birthday party Hmm

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:32

Yes, the DC are indeed just as happy with budget holidays or visiting relatives.

He does not treat the anxiety with kindness. It / I frustrate him.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 23/05/2017 14:35

" don't think he cares if his actions cause me anxiety: he thinks my anxiety is a PITA! Which it is, to be fair, but I try really hard to manage it and do stuff even when I'm anxious about it, so it's not like it restricts what he does IYSWIM."

Wow, he is a real prize isn't he.

Even though your anxiety predates your relationship, I bet it wouldn't be as badif you weren't waiting for him to spunk a load more money away on himself while otjer stuff needed doing or wondering when his next strop was coming ad he demands his I eat.

Tell him you are fully on board with his party and he can get on with the planning. But you aren't going and will be taking a short break with your children (Sun £10 holiday or something like that). I can't honestly see how he would miss you (don't mean it in nasty way at all). He acts like this because he knows he can get his own way. Show him this time he can't.

I'm also pmsl at his expectation that 40-50 friends are going to be happy to leave their children, drive 3 hours, borrow or buy camping gear and get pissed in a barn and have access to 2 manky toilets. Lets hope there aren't many who will overdo the alcohol and throw up!

bruffian · 23/05/2017 14:35

I think spending that amount of money on a birthday is childish and silly. Particularly if your family holiday will suffer.

Tazerface · 23/05/2017 14:36

I think he sound selfish as well and I would be firmly letting him know that a) it's unfair that the bulk of your birthday money went on a kitchen and b) that he wants his money topped up.

If he really wanted it and it could be afforded I would make it very clear that his birthday doesn't take the place of a family holiday. I wouldn't want to go, camping is my idea of hell on earth.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 14:36

'He does not treat the anxiety with kindness. It / I frustrate him.'

Sounds like anything that doesn't stroke his ego and fan its flames frustrates him. Shortchanging your own kids on a holiday so you can have a fucking weekend long birthday bash (without them) is so stunningly selfish and wanky I couldn't muster any respect for a person like that.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/05/2017 14:37

I have had a message from a poster enquiring about the venue DH has found, as she is seeking a venue Grin Perhaps I should introduce her to DH!

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 23/05/2017 14:44

Let him have his party and organise it. Be as enthusiastic as you can - don't point out the pitfalls. But I would advise he does a save the date describing the child-free event and sending a link to the site ... he'd get a good idea how many would want to turn up ...

Raaaaaah · 23/05/2017 14:45

Sounds fun.

I suffer from social anxiety and DP most definitely doesn't. I think that it is hard for someone who doesn't feel anxious to understand irrationally high levels of anxiety about social events. I got really stressed about DPs 40th but he loved it. Personally I think that this is his Birthday and unless it is a really ridiculous idea, embrace it.

Oblomov17 · 23/05/2017 14:45

I am shocked at how many people have posted saying Dh is unfair. Why shouldn't a grown man have a big party for his 50th?
He can afford it. As his wife you wouldn't chose to spend the money that way, if it was yours. No problem. But your bitter resentment comes across in bucket loads. That would upset me greatly. If my dh cared so little about what I would like, that he resented what I chose to do, because it's not what he wanted.

When you love someone, you sometimes do what they want, even if it isn't you choice, because you truely love them and want them to be happy.

Is your marriage over, more so than you care to admit? Because it sounds like it might be.

messofajess · 23/05/2017 14:46

Well I think it's bloody pathetic, a grown man with a family spending that sort of money showing off to his mates. If he must have a party, then he's got his £1000 birthday money so that's how much he should be spending on it.

This

I have anxiety as well and although my medication dulls it a tiny bit this would fill me with the horrors. But honestly I think it will all fall apart while he is organising it and he will realise trying to get 50 people to camp, 3 hours is away is really daft. I know that still doesn't take away the feeling of: "Why wouldn't he rather have a holiday with me and DC, or think of the whole family instead of himself" because thats what I would be hurt over.

SaucyJack · 23/05/2017 14:49

The venue sounds great TBF Loopy.

Presumably if your friends have similar interests then many of them will have tents, and will love the idea of getting pissed and roughing it in a portaloo.

He just needs to get over himself a bit and find a way to have the party he wants on a sensible budget. I'm quite sure he can camp somewhere with a few crates of Magners for less than two grand.

Oblomov17 · 23/05/2017 14:50

I love a good party. 40th or 50th. Putting aside a sum of money for a big do, is not the crime to me, that it seems to be to some posters.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 23/05/2017 14:50

I am shocked at how many people have posted saying Dh is unfair. Why shouldn't a grown man have a big party for his 50th?
He can afford it.

But surely the question is whether they actually can afford it. If they had buckets of cash then it's up to him if he wants to spend £££ for his birthday, but the fact is that they're still "not on an even keel" from house renovations and this will impact on other family choices.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2017 14:54

'I am shocked at how many people have posted saying Dh is unfair. Why shouldn't a grown man have a big party for his 50th?
He can afford it.'

No, he can only afford it by sacrificing other things for the family. He has £1000, he wants a shindig costing double that. How is that fair? It's his 40th. He has plenty of money for a party, but he wants more. That's selfish.

FlyingElbows · 23/05/2017 14:56

Op you should track down the television comedy drama called "camping". It's basically about exactly the sort of event your Dh is planning and it's brilliantly awful.

winglesspegasus · 23/05/2017 14:58

mmmm my mortgage payment for a year

KatyBerry · 23/05/2017 15:00

hahaha o my god flying it couldn't possibly be that awful. Making him watch that would surely put him off the whole thing (does he have any friends who are likely to come along and do industrial quantities of drugs with inappropriate new girlfriends?)