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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:08

Imagine having to have your children spend time with their father and wife who couldn't care less whether they have the basics?

SaS2014 · 24/05/2017 22:09

JuicyStrawberry

think what you just said sums it up perfectly!

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:09

Noticeable pattern? Yes, as I said... Daily Mail, Channel 5.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 22:09

Flossy Dad's fault. He can't be arsed working. HTH.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:11

Oh and fatdogs you're not making sense again. Just stop.

Peanut14 · 24/05/2017 22:11

Gildonn I'm sorry to hear of your DS. Your partners ex said a horrific thing that obviously touched a very sensitive nerve. You reacted. I did not take from your post that prior to the comment she made you had the intention of stopping payments.

Posters are projecting their own situations on you. Some posters are being out of line and saying horrible things.

Take care of yourself in the pregnancy. You came here to vent after a horrible comment and all you got was more judgmental abuse.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:13

chasing maintainence by forgoing residence to the father (assuming the father wants residence) and then paying to the father

You really think disrupting the lives of a 12 yo and 15 yo is so pointless? Dont they get a say?
Is it so important to you dad does not pay you think children should be removed from their home and their resident parent just to avoid dad paying.

Fo you even like children fat ?

Jedimum1 · 24/05/2017 22:13

I haven't read the whole thread but some posters are forgetting that he's been made redundant anyway, he is not staying at home to avoid paying anything.

That said, if you had to pay the maintenance before as a household, I think you should still pay, as it's not the kids' fault. However, he's been made redundant... So not his fault either! I'd get professional advice on what your obligations are and make sure that his ex wife and children understand that he's not staying to make anybody's life more difficult, but because for whatever reason is easier for you to go back to work than for him to find a new one.

That said... Do consider that once baby is in your arms, you might not want to go back to work ... I know I went from a very inclusive equalitarian attitude pre-birth ( everything 50/50 re childcare) and when baby was here I didn't want anyone to do any childcare because I kept thinking only I could do it right! Of course, I was wrong, but it was a strong feeling back then!

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:15

Flossy Dad's fault. He can't be arsed working. HTH.

Erm he could find a job but he AND op have decided he should be a sahp and no longer pay for his dcs upbringing.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 22:17

@flossymootoo absolutely right that it was reinforced by he patriarchy and fostered by how society is structured. But I don't buybthat excuse today. For a couple ( and I am not referring to the post here and am just engaging in general discussion) who are both childless and meet having roughly the same standing in education and career, why is it always women who decide to take a step back in career. That starts putting down their earning power and they find it difficult to catch up, thus deciding then to have another child and then stop work for another period. After maybe 10 years, all they can get back in the job market is minimum wage or entry level work, thus cementing their financial dependence.
Very often on mumsnet, you will here women say it makes more sense because DH earns so much more, so they give up their work. Why? Patriarchy? Patriachy makes you devalue your own career and earning power? You have no agency of your own. Even if my DH earned much more than me, I would NEVER give up my job even of I made minimum wage. Having your own job means your have your money which you decide how to spend and how to keep. Having a job keeps you relevant and gives you opportunities. If women cannot see this in 2017 in the UK, please do not blame the patriarchy.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:18

Hedi try RTFT he has been made redundant not his fault. Him and OP have decided he does not need to find work and will just be a SAHP. Therefore he has chosen to let his children go without. With the OPs consent Hmm

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 22:19

@flossymootoo, I wasn't suggesting changing residence in this case. I was just talking generally about NRPS (dad's mainly) shirking responsibility.

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 22:21

Imagine going to work to earn money to give to someone who wishes your baby was dead. Fuck that.

Oh did the two children wish the child dead??? I missed that.

yet again. for the very many stupid ones. Child Maintenance is for the CHILDREN. Not the ex.

I do love the idea of a marriage where you refuse to put your hand in your pocket to help out the 2 people your husband loves most in the world beside yourself. Takes a special kind of love really. And yet so many on here have proudly said they would do it and encourage the OP to do so too.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:21

fatdogs because being a SAHM is important to some? Because childcare and working on low,wages don't add up? Because even equally educated couples don't necnessarily earn the same?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:23

I never gave up my career fat I dont believe women should bow to the will of men.
However I know that my connection to my children because I grew them, birthed them and brestfed them means walking away from them is not an option.
That is not driven by opression by men. That is nature.
What is driven by men is the condoning of women left holding the baby.
Of men having no responsibility.
Of it being ok to have new children and forget about the old.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 22:24

Only he is shirking his responsibilities because they are HIS kids. His and his ex's- nobody else's. HE is choosing not to provide for them. It's not up to the op to bail him out if he decides to cop out. The op may have decided to go along with his choice but ultimately he is to blame if maintenance doesn't get paid. He is a big boy and knows exactly what he is doing. Nobody is holding a gun to his head.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:26

Only he is shirking his responsibilities because they are HIS kids

The OP is encouraging and supporting him in this choice.
Do you think that makes her a good person?

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:27

was just talking generally about NRPS (dad's mainly) shirking responsibility

Why would an NRP who shirks responsibility suddenly want full time responsibility? For the money, maybe? Ok for the NRP to chase it but not the PWC?

Do shirkers make good parents? If you can't bring yourself to pay a basic maintenance, what makes you think you could begin to meet a child's needs?

diddl · 24/05/2017 22:28

What was the plan before he was made redundant, Op?

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 22:30

@needsahalo if being a SAHM is important then it's a choice made willingly and you assume the risks that come with it. All choices have risk. Working a.minimum wage job may be difficult once you factor in childcare, but it is still important to soldier on no matter how draining as in the long term it is better. My point is women or men as the case may be should not sacrifice their independent earning ability no matter how small it is. If they do so because they feel that being a stay home parent is more important and more fulfilling, then that is a choice they make. All choices come with risks. I personally would not make the choice. But don't expect to be fully insulated against the risks of the choice you made. No one else is with regard to their choices

twistyturnythings · 24/05/2017 22:34

Oh did the two children wish the child dead??? I missed that.

Exactly. The maintenance is for the children, not the exwife!

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:34

Yes, soldier on...8 hours x £8 = £64 a day. Before any tax or NI or pension or travel and clothing costs. Childcare for two preschoolers where I used to live = £51 per child per day. Can you make that add up? It is fuck all to do with ploughing on regardless. It makes no fucking sense. Being a SAHM is a joint choice - as reflected in Law.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:47

needs do not waste your energy.

fat will twist it all just to make sure OP punishing children for an adults actions is ok.

Some are do single minded the bigger picture even when it includes innocents is still not worthy of a look.

I am sickned by the handmaidens on this thread but also comforted by how many posters were the voice of reason, those who clearly care about children.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 22:48

@needsahalo it is reflected in law when it comes to division of matrimonial assets and imposition of maintainence. However, there's risk there as well as is evident in this case when maintainence is stopped as the later stops working. No choice comes without risk or drawback. You make those choice based on a cost benefit analysis and take the risks that come with it. I would never have children on a minimum wage job on the premise my partner is able to support them and will continue to do so. Some women would and so there's the outcome. Sometimes it works out and sometimes It's shit. It's not right and it's not fair but life seldom is. Railing about it will do no good. What I do know is that having children on a low income or an income dependent on the goodwill of a relationship or earning ability of another is extremely risky. We can talk all day about why such inequality exists but it does and my opinion is that if women bear the brunt of thisn inequakity then women have to make smart and sometimes painful choices to avoid them.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 22:50

OMG you are saying poor people should not have children!!!

Women earn less than men. Fact.

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