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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
Purplealienpuke · 24/05/2017 22:51

I'm not sure where you live but a friend of mine married a guy who had a kid from a previous marriage. When maintenance was discussed in court for that child HER wages were factored into the equation aswell as his even though they had kids of their own.
She shouldn't have been nasty but we're only getting your side. All absent parents should pay for their kids regardless of the new wife/husband/family!!!!!

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 22:54

What are you actually on about? We know nothing of the ex's situation. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Fuck all. She might be a bloody millionaire. And still be right to be pissed off that the ex is shirking his responsibilities. And good for you for being so clever you never felt co promised enough to have to make a decision that at some point might end up with you relying on someone else.

Please don't lecture me. I know the pitfalls. Still doesn't make it ok for one parent to shirk their responsibilities.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:01

#needsahalo I never said it makes it ok. But that's the way it is. And in this case, it's not the patent who is shirking. Well actually the DH might be but OP definitely isn't.
@purplealienpuke in England I believe income of new spouse may be taken to reduce financial outgoings of the DH when it comes to deciding how to divide matrimonial assets and that happens in court. But it is not considered at all in child maintainence by the CMS.

38cody · 24/05/2017 23:07

so you are going to work so that DH can not workand therefore not pay his CM? He needs to work as he has THREE children to support.
How scummy.

Fanciedachange17 · 24/05/2017 23:12

I'm approaching this situation now as the Exw with 2 DC at secondary school.
He hasn't told me yet. I've had it from the grapevine of mutual acquaintances. So payments will cease next month and I'll be in shit creek. (Yes I work but it's a low paid job with hours to fit around school times).
He always wanted to be a SAHD and send me to work. He is flipping useless and will spend all day on the computer ignoring the dc, or at least he did when they were little.
He has deliberately left a well paid secure job to become a SAHD to the new toddler he has with new wifey (OW)
The new wife has substantial income (pension) of her own (more than most of us earn) plus a well paid career. Good for her, that was part of the attraction for him.
The Dc are NC through their choice (v good reasons). I feel the fear of the Exw in this thread. No, of course she should not have said what she did, but the poor cow, how the hell is she going to manage now?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:14

fat there is no DH might be shirking. He is shirking!
He is choosing not to return to work there by financially choosing not to support his children.

Why are you so reluctent to say that?
You go round the houses like your sat nav is broken rather than admit the dad is being a twat and the OP is enabling him. Why?

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:20

@flossymootoo DH might be a twat and probably IS a twat. OK is not enabling him. Nothing to stop him from working or him demanding that OP pay the maintainence. Instead he has chosen to take OP's side. Probably because he doesn't want to piss off his new paymaster. As for not taking on the obligation, I am on OP's side with this one. She has no obligation. She was attacked, good on her to retaliate and ball is now firmly in ex wife's court. Why are you refusing to admit that ex wife could make this all go away by apologising. She doesn't want to, then she creates the stalemate that causes her children to suffer.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:27

Why are you refusing to admit that ex wife could make this all go away by apologising. She doesn't want to, then she creates the stalemate that causes her children to suffer.

They ate holding her to ransom over money.
Say sorry or your children will pay.
Would you bow down to that?
Would hou allow somebody to have such power over you and your children?

The OPS and wonder dads finacial abuse of the ex is very real. This is not some one off verbal rant. This will have a lasting physical impact.
OP admitted it on the thread.
Why are you condoning that fat?

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:28

Also I seriously doubt OP demands that ex wife strip herself off and flagellate her self in the town square by way of apology. A simple phone call and "sorry o flew of the handle and I was out of line" will probably suffice. She could even cite her fear and anger at the thought of her children going without which so many of you presume motivated her actions.

Blankscreen · 24/05/2017 23:32

Op could.you dh offer childcare for his first 2 children and then their mum and can get a.job/work.more

Your dh is then looking after all 3 of his children equally and their financial position will be depending on their mother's earning capacity. I think that would be fair

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:32

Again you are putting this all on the ex for a VERBAL insult that will not harm thd OPS baby.

The OP has addmitted she will deprive the children of money which helps feed them and house them yet you are still saying she is right!!
How fucked up can you be fat that starving children is worth it........sick fucker if thats shat you believe.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:33

I would if it meant the difference for my children. I wouldn't if I felt so strongly in my vitriol that they deserved it and that the satisfaction that rant brought me and my pride in refusing to bow down, in your words, are more important to my self respect. If so, I would make that choice and tell OP to stuff her money. What she doesn't get to do is vent her spleen and then expect OP not to react and to voluntarily meet her DH obligations. Why could she wish that DH dropped dead or was run over by a truck. She went straight for what would distress OP the most.calculative vile woman.

GaelicSiog · 24/05/2017 23:33

blankscreen they're teenagers. Teenagers don't need lots of "childcare."the mother may work full time already for all we know.

Blankscreen · 24/05/2017 23:35

Does their mum work. They are 12 and 15.

I think everything needs to be looked at in context.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:35

Op could.you dh offer childcare for his first 2 children and then their mum and can get a.job/work.more

RTFT
Children are 12 and 15 Hmm

I am sure they would happily go hungry so daddy can babysit for an hour sitting on his arse while mum does double shifts to pay his share Hmm

Get a bloody grip.

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2017 23:36

Op could.you dh offer childcare for his first 2 children and then their mum and can get a.job/work.more

How do you know that she already isn't working full time? She doesn't need childcare - the oldest is 15. Or do you suggest she works nights too? (oh, but then the father won't be available to look after his new baby)

Why should her ex jacking in his job mean she should change hers?

And anyway, fruitless conversation. The OP is never coming back.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:39

If ex wife was any sort of half decent woman, she would be cringing at what she said in haste and anger and jumping at the chance to apologise.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:40

A vile women is one that would spend time with children pretend to care for them then activley deprive them of food.

You cannot abuse an unborn child.
The OP is activley abusing 2 living ones.

So you would accept financial abuse by your ex and his wife?
fat you need the proper support if you think women accepting abuse on behalf of supporting their children is accepptable Sad

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:47

How is it abuse? The word is used to widely these days. Everything that is vaguely unpleasant is abuse. We all face humbling situations in life. We all have to apologise. If I piss my boss off and apologising would smooth things over and save me my job, is that abuse?
OP's feelings are hurt and the rant was deeply calculated and personal. OP wants some restitution so to speak which should be forthcoming anyway from any normally decent person who reacted in haste. To me this is a situation that can easily be resolved. If ex wife feels that this is causing her to "bow down" the problem lies with her.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 23:51

Why is everyone presuming that the op's step kids are going to starve without their money? I don't recall the op saying that.

Me and my exh have 50:50 residency so don't pay any maintenance to each other. My kids would not starve if my exh list his job, or even gave it up! Ffs there are some drama queens on this thread.

No one would advocate kids starving! And I'm sure that op and her dh will still feed and entertain the dc when they have them.

If the dc in question are 12 and 15 then I think we can presume their mum works and therefore they will not be starving to death!

Doesn't mean the op's dh shouldn't pay for them,he should, but saying that the step kids will starve if there step mum doesn't pay is ridiculous.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 23:53

Also, @flossymootoo if her children were going to go hungry I can get bet you she would have eaten humble pie by now. Maybe she has who knows . We are not likely to get an update and so this is conjecture. More probably the kids would still have food heat etc but ex wife would have to struggle or maybe do without. Which is why if the apology was not forthcoming, it means ex wife is struggling between her pride and whether it is worth her sacrificing her needs for the satisfaction of telling OP to lump het money and her apology.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 23:55

maybe the exw should go and find some mug of a step father to support her dc rather expect their step mum to do so.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 23:59

How is it abuse?

The ex was clearly upset and angry at the loss of financial support.
Wonder dad then phoned the ex and demanded an apology or the CM he should pay for his children would not be paid.
He is forcing the ex to accept his and OPs choice and she should shut up about it. He is using money for his children to get that. Does that not sound abusive to you?

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 23:59

Flossy how do you know that the op is actively denying the dc food?

We don't know that. The exw could be loaded for all we know and not need the money to support the Dc. Doesn't mean he shouldn't pay for them but downy mean they will starve if h doesn't.

I'm confused. Please can you copy the post that states the dc will starve without the money.

FlossyMooToo · 25/05/2017 00:00

maybe the exw should go and find some mug of a step father to support her dc rather expect their step mum to do so.

Or maybe the dad should support them?

Are you really this thick?